So Hot

So so so hot.

I'm not talking about myself.

I'm talking about the weather.

It has been so bloody hot here in Salt Lake City. Like, jaws of Hell hot. Like, so hot that if The First Eye tried to roll down the street in the middle of the day without protective socks, he would be in the E.R. within minutes having burn cream rubbed on each of his 1,000 toes. Can you imagine a worse time to work in that E.R.? Especially if The First Eye happens to have the same foot disease as me.

So on Saturday I thought, "Why not go run in the canyon down the street at 2:00 in the afternoon?" I couldn't really think of a reason not to. So off I went. I drug Daniel with me because I'm trying to convince him to run a marathon with me next month as part of our "unfinished business" pledge from when we participated in the Ironman.

Kitty Texts

My sister Krisanda received a strange text from an unknown number over the weekend. Never one to pass up on a good opportunity to weird others out, she responded. Below is her funny exchange. Oh Krisanda. Since the time you created The First Eye, you haven't changed one bit. Thanks for keeping me entertained for so many years.

Text exchange below:

Joyful Noise?

Last Friday night I did my Christian duties for a friend in need. Actually, I don't know if I can count this as Christian duties because I had ulterior motives.

My good, and hysterical, friend Mal (who you can find here) recently had her tonsils removed. I know what you're thinking: "didn't they stop doing that in like 1987? Also Eli, you are the coolest person I've ever heard of!"

First of all, thank you, and you too. But secondly, I understand that they apparently are still removing tonsils, but only once they get diseased enough that they actually start speaking on their own. This can be very convenient if you're the lonely type, but gets really complicated when trying to speak into a voice recognition machine through your phone.

So Mal had tonsils that had gotten to toxic level 5 and the doctor told her that he needed to dig out her throat with a buck knife or she would never be able to talk again.

In Which My Life Takes A Sharp Turn

Several months ago, sort of on a whim, I applied for a job in a country called Palau. Palau is an island nation in Micronesia, 500 trillion miles away from where I currently live. Why did I apply to work there?

1. It never gets cold there.
2. It never gets cold there.
3. It never gets cold there.

The position is court counsel for the Supreme Court of Palau for one year. Over the next several months after applying I corresponded with the court, believing it was unlikely that I was ever going to actually land the position and haul my little-old-self to the other side of the planet.

And then they rejected me. I got a polite email explaining that I was not selected for an interview, so I spent the remainder of that day with good friends eating ice cream and making the expected rejection as dramatic as possible.

As a part of my coping, I found incredibly cheap tickets to Mexico City and planned the trip. As fate would have it, Palau changed its mind about me shortly thereafter and asked me to be in LA for an interview on [wait for it] the same week I was supposed to be in southern Mexico.

The Mexican Ritz

Last week I adventured through the jungles of southern Mexico with my sister Krishelle, my uncle Will, and my 6 foot 5 long lost brother Daniel.

We arrived late Saturday night in Mexico City, snatched a giant rental car, and began our 900 hour drive into nowhere, stopping occasionally in towns we never could locate on a map. Eventually we made our way to a great little town called Campeche; saw incredible ruins at Palenque and Chichen Itza; had a short stint in Las Vegas Cancun; got burned so severely that my grandchildren will be born red; flew to LA for a quick meeting; rushed back to the airport to meet my now travel-worn group back in Mexico City after they made a 20 hour drive to meet me; saw more ruins at Teotihuacan; explored Mexico City; and then rolled back home for some reality.

Rest assured that along the way countless strange happenings took place. But for now, I'll just give you this one story: