BREAKING NEWS!!!

Look. I know. This is supposed to be a Pictures and Distractions post. I know the rules, you guys. Can everyone please stop yelling?

I can't do a Pictures and Distractions post right now because I have BREAKING NEWS.

This is just like when you get all excited to watch your favorite show and you turn on the TV and find out that they are doing 4 hours of hurricane coverage instead. Or worse. The World Series.

And I know. I'm acting like Stranger is CNN now with all of this "breaking news" talk. Well maybe Stranger should get a little more credit for being an incredible news source than it currently receives. Stranger is still the only news outlet that covered Leotrix, after all.

Take that, MSNBC.

On to the breaking news. Yesterday I told you that I was panicking because YOU GUYS! BED BUGS!!!

What the Hell do you do about Bed Bugs!?

Last night a friend called me pretty late.

Friend: OH MY GOSH!!! I THINK I HAVE BED BUGS!!

Eli: Don't call me! What if I get them from you!

Friend: You can't get them over the phone. I'm just calling you for moral support.

Eli: Oh. In that case, let me look at everything on the Internets having to do with bed bugs.

Ok. Look. I know I tend to overreact. I know I have a bit of a problem in this area. Let's please set that all aside for a second and allow me to tell you what happened today.

The Flight of the Black Hoody

Last night I was in my office until 1:00 in the morning.

I'm not a workaholic. Not trying to convince anyone that this is something that happens to me often. Usually I have a very predictable schedule. But every once in a while the 1:00 nights happen. And last night was one of them.

I was sitting in the dark office, thinking about how strange it is that I've been in that dark office for nearly a year now. I still feel like the "new guy." And compared to some of my colleagues, I very much am the new guy.

Maybe it was because it was late and I was tired and alone. Maybe it was because of the lightening storm I watched out of my office window, a natural occurrence that tends to give the sense that bigger things than us happen. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I've had so many big life changes recently that I've been weathering more aggressively than usual, but my mind started waxing nostalgic and sentimental. Contemplative and maybe a little somber too.

Tan Lines to be Proud of

You guys. The Ironman is now four weeks away!

FOUR!

That can be counted on one hand! Unless you're my eighth grade shop teacher who only had three fingers on each hand.

I remember showing up to the first day of class and seeing how many fingers he had and thinking, "your fingers were chopped off? Really? So cliche."

But then I ended making a damn impressive wooden Model T Ford truck out of that class so my attitude changed entirely. Well. Truth be told I didn't make an impressive Model T truck. Mine was a total disaster. The wheels were uneven and I thought I could fix it by sanding down two of them. But the wheels were specialized rounded pieces so I have no idea why I thought this would work. Then when it came time to take the trucks home, I just picked a different one that went unclaimed but looked pretty good and that's the one I brought to Bob and Cathie.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

So the other day I wrote that post about how SweatBlock has completely changed my life since parents have stopped pulling their children away from me in public. Then SweatBlock saw the post and reached out, creating a promo code for Strangers who order it. Then at least one of you (HI LEE!!!!) accused me of selling out. WHICH I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DONE HAD SOMEONE TOLD ME HOW BEFOREHAND. But you guys. I didn't have the foresight to sell out. I WISH I HAD SOLD OUT. I had never communicated with SweatBlock before writing that post.

But I thought you would be interested to know that SweatBlock emailed me today to say that already the response from that post in terms of sales has been almost as good as the response they received when they appeared on Dr. Oz. Which can lead one only to conclude that you Strangers are sweaty beasts.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. And yes. I am in every picture. I just like myself that much.

With my best friend, Corey, in San Diego.

The Elevator Almost Killed Us

The other day I saw what Annie looks like when she thinks she's about to die. Annie is my close friend at work who I caught wearing a Ring Pop last week.

I asked her if she wanted to head down the street to grab a mid-morning treat. We hopped onto the elevator and began our descent.

Annie was regaling me with stories of her baby or some court hearing or something else. I wasn't really listening because I was distracted by her gnawing on the candy necklace hanging around her neck.

Then, suddenly, somewhere around the thirteenth floor, the power went out and the elevator came to a screeching halt. The lights were out and the elevator became so dark that you almost couldn't see the hand in front of your face.

And Annie Quinn Wilson, super mom, afraid of nothing, defender of the universe, SCREAMED.

SweatBlock is Like a Father to Me

You guys. My life has changed.

First of all, I want to just take a moment and recognize that this entire post is going to sound like a commercial. BUT, aint nobody be paying me for this. They SHOULD. Because I'm about to dedicate an entire blog post that will be read by eleventy million people all to one product made by some company that I had never heard of and just discovered. All because MY LIFE HAS CHANGED.

A little while ago I posted this picture on Stranger, much to your delight, I'm sure:

"Sam" Diego

I abandoned you for a few days and now everyone is mad at me and nobody is even telling me how good my hair looks right this second. AND THIS IS THE HARDEST TRIAL I'VE EVER EXPERIENCED.

My childhood best friend, Sam, AKA "POTTY MOUTH," finished his orthodontics residency and has started his practice after eleventy million years in school. In celebration that he has finally crawled out of the hole into which he went when he began dental school, a small group of us met in San Diego to crash on the beach for four days.

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE YOUR NEIGHBORS ALONE!

My next door neighbor is somewhere around 275 years old. She has a sign on her door that says "knock loudly." This sign is also accompanied by a picture of the Nativity.

Note: it is August.

I'm pleased that she's 275 years old and basically deaf. For one, I'm 275 years old in my soul so I just feel like we belong together. But also, it's good to have a neighbor with whom I share a wall who most likely can't hear the shower-singing of songs from The Little Mermaid every single morning.

I'm not going to say which person who lives in my apartment is doing this shower-singing because I don't want to embarrass him. I'll just say that it happens every single day. And it's quite enthusiastic. 

What Not to Wear

I am very lucky to be working side-by-side with my great friend Annie at the law firm. Annie and I were classmates in law school and competition partners in some oral advocacy competitions. She has been one of my closest friends over the years.

Since I met her in 2008, I've come to know Annie as the most efficient and productive human being on the planet. She's always accomplishing five things at once. And yet, she's perfectly pleasant to be around. She's also one of those people who always seems to know exactly what to do in all situations. This freaks me out. But it's incredibly convenient to have her in my life. You might remember her from my very awkward hot yoga experience several months ago.

Not only do we work at the same firm, but our offices are next to each other. We have grand plans to knock out the wall that separates us to have one mega office. BUT, with privacy beads, Annie insists.

Craft Lake City

A few years ago I happened to become friends with several different people who all run catering businesses on the side of whatever it is they do for their day jobs.

Note: I don't really know what anybody does for their day job. I mean, I could tell you where my friends work. I could tell you how long they've been there. I could even tell you what their job titles are in some cases. But I never have any clue what anyone actually does for a living. And, unfortunately, sometimes myself included.

Anna Swayne and my Polynesian friend Emma run food booths at various summer festivals under their little business "Island Hopper." They make unbelievably delicious Polynesian food that accounts for at least 85% of the reason that we are friends.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You guys. I've been working like a madman this week. One hundred million bagillion hours. I wish I could talk more about my job on Stranger because CRAZY. You guys. What I do is CRAZY. Sometimes rewarding. But always crazy. Maybe I'll give a little more detail soon. But I can't help but think that I might have the strangest lawyer job on the planet.

Because I was working one hundred million bagillion hours this week, I did very little picture-taking with my phone. So, I decided to take a number of Snuggie selfies for you. YOU'RE WELCOME.

And now, your NSFW!!! Pictures and Distractions:

With creepy Christian art in the background.

"Boating"

You guys.

I'm starting to sound like a broken record. But oh my gosh. CAMPING. 

A little while ago my friend Nic was all like, "come boating with my family on such and such weekend and it will be so fun and have you been working out and your hair looks like it belongs in a museum!"

Ok. I don't think he actually said the parts that came after "and it will be so fun." But whenever someone starts talking about misery, I just replace in my mind whatever they're saying with compliments. Because self-esteem.

When he mentioned the boating it seemed far away and not like a big commitment so I was like "sure. And thanks. I'm trying a new product to give it a little more volume. IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE!" And he was like, "huh?" And I was like, "never mind. You had to be there."

DID YOU GUYS KNOW PEOPLE HAVE A REGULAR DOCTOR?!

My communication to you about Tami has been a little controversial recently. Some of you have not been nearly as welcoming of Tami photos as you could be. And to be honest, Tami is a little hurt by it. She only shows the hurt through passive aggressiveness because that's just the kind of person she is. But she's hurt nonetheless.

I've been using Tami for purposes of getting attention since she came into being last week. Sometimes I use her as an excuse.

"Tami really wants you to stop talking now. I would like you to keep going. But Tami isn't as patient as me."

More often than they would like, I even text pictures of Tami to friends to remind them of her existence.