2017

Last year when I wrote my post for 2016, things were pretty bad. I had sort of lost my mind for a minute there. All of the stresses of work and life came to a head at once, and they led to what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown.

So when 2017 started, I wasn't in a very good place. And it was kind of a bad time for me to not be in a very good place because I had a lot going on. I joke with friends that I ate my feelings during that time, which is actually pretty true.

Before I knew it, I had a puppy. But still the same old problems. I found out that even a puppy can't make all your problems go away. Sorry for the spoiler alert.

The Top Ten Most Viewed Stranger Posts of 2017

Wat?

One of my favorite Stranger traditions is looking back over the year to put together the Top Ten post.

2017 was a really really fun year at Stranger. To be honest, every year I think that this probably can't go on much longer. I think everyone is going to get bored at some point or the internet fad will die down or The Suzzzzzzz will finally organize our family reunion where we'll all die by Snuggie suffocation (Snuffocation?).

But every year you keep sticking around and helping make Stranger something fun and thoughtful and slightly evolving. This year we had so much fun with Strangerville and Strangerville Live. We laughed about essential oils. We got to know Meg a little better. We ogled over pictures of puppies.

The Most Embarrassing Thing That Has Ever Happened To Anyone Ever.

YOU GUYS.

OMG.

I still can't believe that what I'm about to tell you actually happened.

This is beyond an embarrassing moment. This is something where I legit think I might have to move.

TO CANADA.

Just the other day I was thinking about that terribly embarrassing experience I had last December at that movie theater late on a Friday night and I was like "I haven't done anything embarrassing for a while. Good job, Eli. You're growing up."

And then this morning happened.

It all started because I noticed that the "Check Battery" light had come on in my car. It's actually been happening a lot lately. Ever since I jumped Matt's vehicle when it wouldn't start last month and then I think his car gave my car a car STD.

Silly Face Picture

Eli: Uh . . . Skylar?

Skylar: What?

Eli: Can you please explain to me what is happening here?

Skylar: What are you looking at?

Eli: A picture of the two of us from that party last night.

Skylar: What about it?

Eli: Well, someone just texted it to me. And I'm wondering what the hell is going on with you in this picture.

Skylar: Oh, I was very sweaty because it was hot and for some reason I had decided to wear a cable-knit sweater even though I knew it was going to be 100 degrees inside that apartment. I had also not been feeling very well and had a rash on my--

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You'll be happy to know the Snuggie, of such fame as the Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie, has made it to half a dozen lucky wearers in multiple United States of God Bless America. I'm told only one person has died so far. You know those websites that show where Santa is on Christmas Eve so kids can track his progress? We should have one of those for the Strangerhood. Awesomesauciness, can you hurry and build that for us?

Also, because I told you this week I was sick and then all of you were like "DON'T GO TO WORK YOU SELFISH BASTARD YOU'RE GOING TO KILL EVERYONE" I decided not to go to work because I didn't want the guilt of killing everyone on my conscience. Then I donated five dollars to [charity that will appease you] to make up for having gone in early this week.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Ollie makes a mean borsch.

Diphtheria OMG I actually spelled that correctly on the first try

Last month the Stranger troll said I was desperate because I shared the most recent Strangerville episode twice in one week and I'm nothing if not consistently pathetic so you should all definitely click on the below. Every time you do a troll learns one new grammatical rule.


In other news, I'm still alive, thanks for asking.

The neighborhood was probably worried starting around 9:30 on Saturday night when I found myself slumped over on Lynne's couch while two dozen well-dressed people tried to make conversation with me. This included our mailman, whom Lynne invited to our party after apparently developing a much more successful relationship with him than I have.

I really probably should have gone home. Nevertheless she persisted. I stayed out at the party until around 1:00 in the morning. So late that you can see Bob and Cathie shaking their heads from space.

Bad Dates

Last night Lynne had her big holiday party at her house so I made enough meatballs to feed the entire population of a medium-sized country. By the time the party started I was feeling like I had been run over by a dozen trains. Like, Depression Era trains.

I don't know what I've come down with but I am so sick right now. I was up almost the entire night rolling around in bed, aching all over, and pleading with the good Lord to take me home. Duncan tried to be helpful by lying directly on top of me all night long and then aggressively licking my face whenever I moved.

We've been in a half dreamlike state all day, wandering the house cloaked in a heat blanket connected to an extension cord that's so long that it can wrap around the world twice.

I am trying desperately not to turn to Web MD (I already convinced myself once this morning that I have Meningitis). But I seriously have no idea what I might have come down with. It feels different than anything I've ever experienced.

The point is, we have a brand-new episode of Strangerville for you today and it may be the last one because I'm probably dying. Well, unless Meg and Jolyn carry on without me. Which actually would probably be an improvement. Now I sort of hope I die.

Frozen

I want to write but my mind is frozen.

This is partly because it is negative eleventy degrees today in Salt Lake City. And, I know. Some of you live in Michigan or Wisconsin or Siberia or wherever and I shouldn't complain about our winters because you're doing it uphill both ways in a mini skirt up to here and a candy bar is a nickel but minimum wage is 10 cents and the only good jobs are at the mine.

I got lost back there somewhere.

The point is, my mind is frozen.

This is partly because I just took Duncan for a walk in the cold and dark and he demanded that I throw the ball in the snow for him eleventy hundred times. Duncan is immune to the cold, I believe. It has no effect on him. He could sleep in the freezer, and probably would if I put peanut butter in there. Skylar is mad at Duncan because Duncan "bit" him on the nose last week. Duncan didn't actually bite him on the nose. But Skylar was kissing Duncan on the face for 3 straight minutes while Duncan was trying to take a nap and he suddenly got startled and nipped at Skylar's face. Duncan walked away from that exchange more freaked out than Skylar. But Skylar is the only one who has held onto the emotion from it.

Scary Gandalf

It was Thursday morning and I was very late for work. Or as Brianne would call it, "having a typical morning."

Brianne decided some time ago that I never go to work. This is based on the two or three times in the last year that she has stopped by my office to see me and I wasn't there. Now occasionally when she sees me around 4:00 in the afternoon her usual greeting is "did you just get here?"

She also thinks that I don't dress appropriately for the office, a sentiment apparently shared by a colleague named Ryan who upon seeing this picture posted on Instagram recently