Connie: Hi! How have you been?
Eli: Great! Just about to head out to the beach! How are you?
Connie: Wonderful. Wish you were in town this weekend. We could find a really wild party to go to.
Eli: Ugh. After the last one you took to me to, I think I'll be in recovery for another four years.
Connie: Didn't you enjoy it? I thought it was fun!
Eli: NO. Remember how I had to find my own way home because you disappeared around 2:00 in the morning. And I don't remember--did you ever find your shirt?
Connie: Who knows? They're opening a new club just across the border and I wish I didn't have to go alone.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Pictures & Weekly Distractions
After yesterday's post about the book writing, many of you sent me such helpful information regarding finding a literary agent and publisher. THANK YOU. You Strangers are the wind beneath my wings. I just asked Bette Midler if she was free to give you an individual performance as a thank you and she said that she totally is and will be dressed in clothes from the '80s and waiting for you on Youtube.
Several of you emailed asking what the book is about. Basically it's the story of a young boy who gets a letter inviting him to go to a school for witches and wizards and it follows his seven year progression in which he has to fight off dark magic and stay out of trouble with a couple of close friends.
I kid. A book like that would never sell.
I'll do a fuller post on it soon when I have the stamina to write it out. For now just rest assured: if you like Stranger, you should really like this.
And now, your pictures and distractions:
Several of you emailed asking what the book is about. Basically it's the story of a young boy who gets a letter inviting him to go to a school for witches and wizards and it follows his seven year progression in which he has to fight off dark magic and stay out of trouble with a couple of close friends.
I kid. A book like that would never sell.
I'll do a fuller post on it soon when I have the stamina to write it out. For now just rest assured: if you like Stranger, you should really like this.
And now, your pictures and distractions:
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| My worlds are colliding. |
Book Writing Update
I may have mentioned at some point here that I'm not exactly "in the know" on what the kids are calling "technology." Pretty much every medium of social media scares and confuses me. And what's worse, I have not attempted in the slightest to keep up on electronic devices.
Currently I own an ipod, which I bought in 2007 and have not upgraded since. I have never put a single thing onto that ipod. My sister Krishelle takes it from me every six months or so and returns it with an updated collection of tunes. She tried to make me part of the process the first few times because of something about "if you teach a man to fish" but as it turns out I'm like an inanimate object, and you can't teach an inanimate object to fish.
The phone I had in the U.S. before I came to Palau is what the kids are calling a "smart" phone. But this was only because that same sister stole my very basic and incredibly unreliable phone and replaced it with her old phone after she upgraded to something that I was pretty sure mankind would not develop before the great and terrible day of the Lord's Second Coming.
Currently I own an ipod, which I bought in 2007 and have not upgraded since. I have never put a single thing onto that ipod. My sister Krishelle takes it from me every six months or so and returns it with an updated collection of tunes. She tried to make me part of the process the first few times because of something about "if you teach a man to fish" but as it turns out I'm like an inanimate object, and you can't teach an inanimate object to fish.
The phone I had in the U.S. before I came to Palau is what the kids are calling a "smart" phone. But this was only because that same sister stole my very basic and incredibly unreliable phone and replaced it with her old phone after she upgraded to something that I was pretty sure mankind would not develop before the great and terrible day of the Lord's Second Coming.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Daniel's Departure
I wrote yesterday about how Daniel is now a week and a half into a three week trip to the U.S., leaving my poor pathetic self alone with Leotrix.
He only had a couple of weeks to plan the trip because he got pretty late notice that Palau wanted to send him to this conference. For those two weeks I watched the time slip away until suddenly it was Saturday evening, just a few hours before his flight was scheduled to leave.
Eli: Do you still need to do anything to get ready?
Daniel: Just pack and stuff.
Eli: Ok. So you're saying that you haven't packed yet?
I'm trying this new thing where instead of getting really frustrated, I repeat what I have just heard to make sure I understand the situation. I think this is called "therapy."
He only had a couple of weeks to plan the trip because he got pretty late notice that Palau wanted to send him to this conference. For those two weeks I watched the time slip away until suddenly it was Saturday evening, just a few hours before his flight was scheduled to leave.
Eli: Do you still need to do anything to get ready?
Daniel: Just pack and stuff.
Eli: Ok. So you're saying that you haven't packed yet?
I'm trying this new thing where instead of getting really frustrated, I repeat what I have just heard to make sure I understand the situation. I think this is called "therapy."
Monday, June 24, 2013
A Huge Surprise
So remember last week when I wrote the most vague post about all time and complained that I have all sorts of things that I wanted to tell you but that I couldn't tell you because it wasn't the right time? Well GUESS WHAT!? Now is the time I can tell and SHOW you some of those things! And I have been SO FREAKING EXCITED to share this with you!
And I should probably wait for another day or two to get a more full story. But guys, there's no way I'm waiting. Waiting is not a thing that I'm good at doing.
About a month ago Daniel's employer, the Ministry of Health of Palau, decided they wanted to send him to some health conference in Montana. I know. What on Earth is in Montana? Health conferences for people who live on the equatorial Pacific, apparently.
That health conference took place all of last week, which means, Daniel flew out of Palau ten days ago. Much to discuss on that topic later, but for now, we're going to focus on his birthday.
When Daniel found out that he would be going to the U.S. he decided that he would make the most of the trip and stick around for a little longer to visit family and friends in Salt Lake City and New Mexico (which is where his parents live). This makes sense because Palau is twelve hundred light years away from the United States of America so when you make that journey, it's important to stick around a bit.
And I should probably wait for another day or two to get a more full story. But guys, there's no way I'm waiting. Waiting is not a thing that I'm good at doing.
About a month ago Daniel's employer, the Ministry of Health of Palau, decided they wanted to send him to some health conference in Montana. I know. What on Earth is in Montana? Health conferences for people who live on the equatorial Pacific, apparently.
That health conference took place all of last week, which means, Daniel flew out of Palau ten days ago. Much to discuss on that topic later, but for now, we're going to focus on his birthday.
When Daniel found out that he would be going to the U.S. he decided that he would make the most of the trip and stick around for a little longer to visit family and friends in Salt Lake City and New Mexico (which is where his parents live). This makes sense because Palau is twelve hundred light years away from the United States of America so when you make that journey, it's important to stick around a bit.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Forrest Gump
Palau obviously doesn't get The Price is Right because it totally does not help control the pet population. As you can imagine, the over-abundance of "pets" is not exactly my favorite aspect of Palau living. It probably doesn't even come in top 500. I'm sure it would come in the top 1,000, but only because after a while I would run out of things to list.
I have limits, guys. I can't spend all day making a list of everything about Palau.
Anyway, living in Palau sort of feels like living inside of a zoo. Except there are no cages for the animals. Dogs, bats, cats, birds of all sorts, panda bears, elephants, etc. roam the streets like they own the place.
Ok, so I've never actually seen a panda bear or elephant here. But I'm sure they're around. I'm almost certain I've heard an elephant in the trees next to my apartment building.
I want all of the animals to just go away. They can go have their own island and leave the good people of my island alone. Except for the sea turtles, because sea turtles are magical and beautiful and I don't understand why we don't worship them. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. PEOPLE WORSHIP SNAKES!
I have limits, guys. I can't spend all day making a list of everything about Palau.
Anyway, living in Palau sort of feels like living inside of a zoo. Except there are no cages for the animals. Dogs, bats, cats, birds of all sorts, panda bears, elephants, etc. roam the streets like they own the place.
Ok, so I've never actually seen a panda bear or elephant here. But I'm sure they're around. I'm almost certain I've heard an elephant in the trees next to my apartment building.
I want all of the animals to just go away. They can go have their own island and leave the good people of my island alone. Except for the sea turtles, because sea turtles are magical and beautiful and I don't understand why we don't worship them. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. PEOPLE WORSHIP SNAKES!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Pictures & Weekly Distractions
Happy weekend, Strangers. We've got a great set of pictures and distractions for you this week. Enjoy, and stay safe. Beware of Leotrix riding on the back of the Queen of Colors.
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| This weekend is my mom's (Cathie's) 60th birthday. Happy birthday, big C. You don't look a day over [insert whatever age you want to look]. For 60 years you have done a pretty good job confusing, terrifying, loving, amusing, and entertaining all of the people around you. I don't know many people who are as loved and admired as you are, and as always, I feel so lucky to get to call you "mom." Here's to another 60 years! (Photo courtesy of Mindy Young) |
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The Inescapable Leotrix
Ever since Leotrix entered my life, I have existed in a state of constant nightmare. This is where you are having a nightmare but instead of it being a nightmare it's just your real life. Trust me. It's a thing.
Every movement I see out of the corner of my eye makes me think that Leotrix has returned. I thought this was impossible at first because a week ago I found Leotrix dead during my walk to the Stormtrooper (you might have heard my scream; at the speed of sound it should have reached you on Tuesday at about 12:17 PM). But then two days later I saw him again, scaling a wall.
I HATE Leotrix.
And now, because I'm aware of his existence, that thing is happening where I am suddenly realizing that Leotrix has always been around and I just didn't notice him until recently. It's like when you learn a new word and then after that it seems like you hear that word being used every 15 minutes. SAME THING. And yesterday, while going through some pictures, I noticed Leotrix where I hadn't noticed him before.
Every movement I see out of the corner of my eye makes me think that Leotrix has returned. I thought this was impossible at first because a week ago I found Leotrix dead during my walk to the Stormtrooper (you might have heard my scream; at the speed of sound it should have reached you on Tuesday at about 12:17 PM). But then two days later I saw him again, scaling a wall.
I HATE Leotrix.
And now, because I'm aware of his existence, that thing is happening where I am suddenly realizing that Leotrix has always been around and I just didn't notice him until recently. It's like when you learn a new word and then after that it seems like you hear that word being used every 15 minutes. SAME THING. And yesterday, while going through some pictures, I noticed Leotrix where I hadn't noticed him before.
Thank You, Please Come Again.
So I'm sitting here at my computer, avoiding productivity at all costs because, DUH, I LIVE ON A TROPICAL ISLAND. And I'm feeling a little like Jabba the Hutt physically and I don't know why. I mean, it might have something to do with the entire frozen pizza and half gallon of cookies and cream ice cream that I consumed all by myself at 10:00 PM last night. But, whatever. Enough with the judging! Do I judge you!?
I stopped by the store last night to buy the pizza and ice cream after wandering the jungle to visit a bunch of church members to see how they were doing, a story in and of itself. Inside the grocery store I saw like 14 people I know so I had to try to hide the two items I was trying to purchase because it was so embarrassing and I have Fear of Purchase Judgment (FPJ), which is why I always use the self-checkout in the states.
I know. Probably an overreaction. The way I was acting, you would think I was trying to buy Barbie cars. Again.
Then one guy spotted me and I immediately walked over to the produce and selected a large bag of apples.
Guys. I bought apples at the grocery store last night only because someone saw me purchasing a frozen pizza and ice cream at 9:00 and I was embarrassed.
Anyway none of this is at all relevant to what I'm here to tell you today.
I stopped by the store last night to buy the pizza and ice cream after wandering the jungle to visit a bunch of church members to see how they were doing, a story in and of itself. Inside the grocery store I saw like 14 people I know so I had to try to hide the two items I was trying to purchase because it was so embarrassing and I have Fear of Purchase Judgment (FPJ), which is why I always use the self-checkout in the states.
I know. Probably an overreaction. The way I was acting, you would think I was trying to buy Barbie cars. Again.
Then one guy spotted me and I immediately walked over to the produce and selected a large bag of apples.
Guys. I bought apples at the grocery store last night only because someone saw me purchasing a frozen pizza and ice cream at 9:00 and I was embarrassed.
Anyway none of this is at all relevant to what I'm here to tell you today.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Emails With A Polygamist
One Stranger, Sarah, started getting spammed via email by an obnoxious man looking for extra wives. A google search of this guy revealed that he has gone to great lengths across the Internet to find new wives to claim as his property. Sarah gloriously messed with him for a bit and then passed his contact info on to me. Below is the polygamist's (AKA "Genius") email communication with one J. Snapple, in its entirety.
And for the record, while I tend to try to be merely annoying and not mean-spirited in these things, I don't feel bad for crossing the line slightly with this one.
To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Big Spender!
My friend Sarah contacted me and let me know that you may be in the market for some good ol' fashioned polygamy. I would be interested in negotiations for marrying. Are you guys still looking?
Please get back to me as soon as humanly possible.
J.
And for the record, while I tend to try to be merely annoying and not mean-spirited in these things, I don't feel bad for crossing the line slightly with this one.
To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Big Spender!
My friend Sarah contacted me and let me know that you may be in the market for some good ol' fashioned polygamy. I would be interested in negotiations for marrying. Are you guys still looking?
Please get back to me as soon as humanly possible.
J.
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