I bet not one single person is going to emerge from the shadows wearing a jet black fedora, holding a staff, and shouting, "I cannot allow this to continue."
Probably no man who we previously thought was dead is even going to pop up, very much alive, at the last possible second to sabotage our merry pronouncements.
I'm almost positive no former lovers will have escaped from a rat-infested prison cell on the outskirts of a desert town in a part of the country where they still call flip flops "thongs" just in time to drop from a tree, a rattling chain strapped to his ankle, wailing from the heartache of unrequited love.
I'm not even counting on one gang riot to break out mere feet from the ceremony. Not even a small one, upset about the power consolidation of our pending union.
No dance offs.
No knife fights.
Not one group of kids and their dog pulling a mask off of wedding planner to reveal a villainous identity and pernicious plot involving bank heists and government corruption that goes all the way to the top.
Not even the slightest inkling of simple scandal.
Like an officious intermeddler barging in seconds before the official pronouncement to confess that while the groom was in a coma the objector fell in love with the bride who had spent several weeks lying to her betrothed's family about the existence of a relationship with their son who was nothing more than a stranger.
Like an officious intermeddler barging in seconds before the official pronouncement to confess that while the groom was in a coma the objector fell in love with the bride who had spent several weeks lying to her betrothed's family about the existence of a relationship with their son who was nothing more than a stranger.
I don't think I'll get something even as simple as that.
Just a wedding.
A boring, stupid wedding.
With flowers and cake and not a whispered rumor of a pregnant bridesmaid and a groom's infidelity.
When they told us the homos could get married I had something a little more dramatic in mind.
With flowers and cake and not a whispered rumor of a pregnant bridesmaid and a groom's infidelity.
When they told us the homos could get married I had something a little more dramatic in mind.
I mean, really.
You forgot one small thing. I’ll be there. I’ll be overturning the food table yelling “it should have been me!!”
ReplyDeleteLove you! So excited for you!
Krishelle
Krishelle, I'll help you with that table, it looks heavy. We can swap dating horror stories.
DeleteUgh. I’ve got some more really good ones and I’m sure you do too!
DeleteI’ll get the food table and you can get the cake table. That will be a good team effort.
It's a plan!
DeleteCan I claim a table? I too have dating stories, like the time I got robbed on a first date that never led to a second.
DeleteSarah you can flip over the gift table, just remember to lift with your knees. We don't want any injuries to ruin the big day.
DeleteGreat! Safety first.
DeleteThis sounds like it could have been written for The Onion
ReplyDeleteYou should drop hints about the location so your Utah-based Strangers can coordinate a flashmob dance off that crashes your wedding.
ReplyDeleteAlso I’m happy to FaceTime the officiant and claim to be carrying either of your babies. Maybe both of you! At once! It’s a scientific miracle!
I'd fly to Utah to be part of that flashmob
DeleteI would drive up to be prat of the flash mob tribute. Wearing my Snapple June for PTA pres shirt. I go old school for this.
DeleteSperm Competition- it's a real thing. (I learned about it at a Monarch Butterfly conference this summer) In humans we use the term heteropaternal superfecundation.
DeleteThis would definitely be the best drama for the wedding!
(How's that for my first comment ever?!)
...there are monarch butterfly conferences?
DeleteIf you had just INVITED US, we could have made all that happen. And more. But no...and now look what's happened. A regular old everyday normal wedding. Where everyone is extremely happy and happy for you. (We would all be happy and happy for you too, just more exciting.)
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a challenge if I've ever seen one. Come on Utah strangers, you need to burst in to this wedding claiming to be the best friend of Eli who has secretly been in love with him and can't watch him marry this perky rich youth! Then Skylar can run off in tears, and Eli can chase him, and you can chase Eli.... And at some point you all have to break out into song. I can't wait to see the pics!
ReplyDeleteIt would be cool if someone with an eyepatch and a wooden leg showed up and just stood skulking in a corner the whole time, though. Or my husband's criminal uncle (yes, he's Uncle Vinny)could come. He reeks of criminality so much that two churches he entered in Staten Island burned down like two weeks after he was in them. True story. Happy wedding, Stranger. You're all grown up!
ReplyDeleteBut I did fall in love with your brother WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING!
ReplyDeleteLOVE. I do not object, to the wedding or this truly excellent essay. Just wishing torrential showers of happiness on you both.
ReplyDelete"in a part of the country where they still call flip flops "thongs"
ReplyDeleteThis made me snort out loud. At WORK.
We no longer call them thongs????
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you think none of that is going to happen?
ReplyDelete- The Queen of Colors