But I at least have a couple I need to share with you. Yesterday my assistant walked into my office and said, "Uh . . . Eli? I have a package here from Wheeler Farm for you."
Wheeler Farm is this place near Salt Lake City that every child within a 100 mile radius visits for a school field trip at least 70 times during the course of their public education. For normal children, it is a magical place full of chickens and cows and unicorns, etc. Wheeler Farm is probably the reason I hate animals.
I opened the package and found this inside:
That's a sweater with a chicken on the front of it. And if I could figure out how to get the thing out of the box without spreading homemade confetti all over my office, I would be wearing it RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes you people freak me out. Which is why I love you. But this is also why I'm afraid of you and have just petitioned to get a restraining order against everyone in the world besides Paul Simon. Which is ironic because Paul Simon is the only person in the world who has a restraining order against me.
Crap to distract you from whatever you're supposed to be doing:
Magic vines. This is incredible. Thanks, Kenneth.
A million people have sent this to me so I guess I should share it. Although GROSS. Check out the top review. Thanks, all.
30 hilarious notes from children. Thanks, many of you.
Incredible photos taken by a mother of her two children in Russia. Thanks, Stephanie.
Cat heaven. Thanks, Melissa.
Homeless man vs. cat. Thanks, Jeff.
Art on the side of very dirty cars. Thanks, The Suzzzz.
IKEA/Gravity parody. Thanks, Mike.
One of my new favorite videos on Youtube. "What kind of Asian are you?" Thanks, Ben.
~It Just Gets Stranger
O.M.G. I was at work, getting all distracted by the stuff to distract me, and I began to read the Gummy Bear reviews. I am a nurse. And here I am, howling with laughter over my computer, with onlookers and everything, tissues everywhere, as I mopped up tears and wiped my nose and hoped like crazy, that my boss didn't wander by. I am going to buy some for the creepy married guy with 5 kids at work, who keeps hitting on me.
ReplyDeleteDo this now.
DeleteThe Queen of Colors laughs at you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHNxEVY9v98
ReplyDeleteWow - that is awesomely creepy!
DeleteYou really don't need a restraining order against anyone except the Queen of Colors. Can you even get a restraining order on chicken?
ReplyDeleteI sent your new favorite youtube video to our Diversity teacher here at the U's College of Social Work. She's half Japanese and I'm pretty sure that video is going to be seeing a lot of class time in the future.
ReplyDeleteTo distract you even more from your work, make sure to also watch "Actors read real comments from What Kind of Asian Are You?"
DeleteI saw that this morning! Hysterical!
DeleteYour assistant must be a very patient person.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard that Paul Simon is ON TOUR?!?!! With Sting...who is really not my favorite but PAUL. SIMON. LIVE. My mom and I are going to see him next month and I'm stoked. If your restraining order allows it you should totally go to a show Maybe he'll even call you up on stage to sing with him and it would be the most magical night of your life (until the whole restraining order thing comes up and you get arrested for touching him, but still. It'd be worth it.)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.livenation.com/artists/41464/paul-simon
I misread the 7th link as "Art on the side of very dirty cats."
ReplyDeleteI must say, I was incredibly disappointed when no artsy cat pictures popped up.
Today, as I was leaving a restaurant, I noticed a plate on the car parked in front of ours, and it quite terrified me. I wish I had gotten a picture, but I did not have my phone with me. It was a picture of a chicken with bright plumage, and below it, it said "de colores" The QoC has agents everywhere, it seems.
ReplyDeleteTHIS: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/008/6/5/jumpingllama0000_by_x7994-d71dc5u.gif
ReplyDeleteI hate animals, but I've never figured out why. I mean, I know that my hatred of cats happened when a cute little kitty cat diarrhea'd down my leg at the tender age of, like, 7. But I'm not sure where my dislike for the rest of the animal kingdom even came from. Because I like animals in theory, and from a distance, but that's where it ends.
ReplyDeleteThat sweater is amazing, Eli. The note was creepy, but the sweater rocks. We need to see a picture of you sporting the sweater.