First of all, I want to just take a moment and recognize that this entire post is going to sound like a commercial. BUT, aint nobody be paying me for this. They SHOULD. Because I'm about to dedicate an entire blog post that will be read by eleventy million people all to one product made by some company that I had never heard of and just discovered. All because MY LIFE HAS CHANGED.
A little while ago I posted this picture on Stranger, much to your delight, I'm sure:
You probably don't remember that I posted this because I've since assaulted you with pictures of Tami and so now this doesn't seem all that disgusting.
I swear I went through menopause or something in Palau because ever since I've been back I have had the most obnoxious sweating problems. You guys. I am not kidding you. My armpits sweat through my shirts all the time. It doesn't matter what the temperature is. It can be snowing inside and outside and I can be naked standing in ice water and my armpits will still be sweating.
It's like there's an electrical problem with my body. I think the Queen of Colors has somehow taken over my sweat glands. And it is so incredibly embarrassing.
Don't tell anyone, but a couple of months ago I finally resorted to sticking napkins in my armpits while sitting in my office. I went through an absurd amount each day but it at least sort of stopped what you see pictured above from happening.
Then about a month and a half ago I went to a pool party hosted by a person I had never met before. I was wearing a blue t-shirt that I had JUST put on.
The party host walked over to me, pulled me aside, and said, "I see you have an armpit sweating problem."
Eli: I'M SO SORRY! I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING! I'LL LEAVE! JUST PLEASE DON'T CAUSE A SCENE.
Host: I'm not going to ask you to leave. But I will ask you to put your pants back on.
Eli: Sorry.
Host: I used to be like you. I used to have to try to hide who I was. I used to live in fear, too.
Eli: You've had overactive sweat glands? But your shirt looks so dry!? HOW? DID YOU GET PROSTHETIC ARMPITS?!
He then motioned me toward the bathroom and pulled out a package of this thing called SweatBlock.
He told me that this product changed his life. I was skeptical. But also desperate. So I immediately went home and ordered some online.
They feel like wet wipes and you rub them on about once a week and they are supposed to keep your armpits from excessively sweating.
It seemed odd that this could possibly work. You rub them on and it doesn't feel like it's doing anything. No tingling sensation. No burning. Nothing. It just dries and you go about your business.
But oh my gosh. You guys. Picture me crying a little as I say this. Also, I'm clasping all of your hands and looking straight into your eyes.
I. DON'T. SWEAT. ANYMORE.
I'm not kidding you. I have now been using these for about six weeks. And my life has completely changed.
I'm considering starting a religion based entirely off of SweatBlock. I'm naming my first child "SweatBlock." And my second "SweatBlock two." And so on.
I just submitted "SweatBlock" as a name for a new star. I'm changing my Facebook relationship status to "in a relationship with SweatBlock." I'll be giving it out to trick-or-treaters this year on Halloween. I just had their logo tattooed across my face. It's right below Paul Simon's name.
I very rarely promote any kind of product on Stranger. But if there is a product that can stop me from feeling like I have to put a burqa on over my shirt to attend meetings in the office, I WILL PROMOTE THE HELL OUT OF IT.
So go buy this crap. NOW.
You're welcome, SweatBlock.
[UPDATE: SweatBlock saw this post and graciously created a promo code "STRANGER" for any of you who want to order some. YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE THESE PEOPLE.]
~It Just Gets Stranger
So it's different from antiperspirant? The once a week thing has me curious...
ReplyDeleteI felt the same exact way about CertainDri!!! It's a roll on liquid that you apply every other day and it TOTALLY works!!! I love how long one carton of it will last too. But yeah I agree, products like these really DO change your life and I basically became a poster boy for CertainDri myself :-P
ReplyDeleteI totally thought he was going to promote CertainDri. That stuff saved my life in high school. Eventually my overactive sweat glands quit being overactive so I don't have to use it anymore but I would seriously sweat through sweatshirts. It was incredibly embarrassing. And you can buy it at a regular store instead of having to order it online.
Deleteyou can always get armpit botox. not even kidding.
ReplyDeleteJust to answer the question "So, it's different than an antiperspirant?"... SweatBlock IS an antiperspirant. It's totally safe and works for up to 7 days per use (results vary based on body chemistry). And it's much more pleasant than sticking large botox needles in your underarms...OUCH!
ReplyDeleteThis could quite possibly be the most entertaining blog post we've seen yet on SweatBlock. Slow clap for you (with a triumphant soundtrack). We'll send the adoption papers over shortly :) Welcome to the family.
You guys should at least send him some free stuff for this. A Stranger endorsement has to be worth something.
DeleteEli's endorsement was enough for me, but the company's awesome response: I'm sold!
Delete*clicking on link right now*
(and wow, saving my first comment for one about sweating...the struggle is real!)
You are right. Eli, send me a note at support@sweatblock.com and I will send some SweatBlock love your way. AND... for any of you Stranger fans, you can get a sweet deal by using the promo code STRANGER (good for the next 7 days).
DeleteOh SweatBlock. Just when I thought I couldn't love you more.
DeleteAnd welcome, Anney. We've been wondering when you would stop just quietly stalking us.
This whole exchange makes me wish I had a sweat problem so I could order some. Most companies anymore send form letters and a coupon. No kidding. I wrote to Fabreeze once, because it wouldn't get the smell of chicken left in my vehicle for 3 days in 100 degree weather out. Their advertizing indicated it would. It was a seriously humorous letter, and their response was a coupon and recommendations for getting pet stains out of carpet. Great job, SweatBlock!!!
DeleteYeah. I'm sold on SweatBlock. If not from the blog post, from the fact that they offered to send over adoption papers.
DeleteAre we sure that Eli didn't just make up that SweatBlock user name & post that himself?? He's been known to do some pretty crazy things?
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DeleteI just placed my order, as I, too, suffer from Rainforest of the Armpit. I cannot WAIT to get mine. Didn't realize there was a promo code until I read the comments, tho.
DeleteHuh. Well. Yes. I also ordered some SweatBlock. I've dealt with sweaty armpits for a while. Now I don't really bother wearing deodorant because, fancy that, it does nothing. CertainDri used to work for me (and I LOVED it while it did) but now it doesn't. Don't know why. I stopped eating dairy products for a while and that made it better. Manageable, at least. Now I don't really notice it or worry about it, because why bother, nothing works.
DeleteHopefully, SweatBlock, you will live up to Eli's ringing endorsement. Otherwise I'll be testing out your warranty and asking for my money back.
Why did someone from sweatblock magically show up the same day that Eli posted about sweatblock? I'm assuming this person is from sweatblock considering how he or she is talking about it and giving deals.
DeleteEli, did you sell out?
Haha. Lee. NO. I did not sell out. I don't even know HOW to sell out. I wish I knew how to sell out because then I totally would. I assume the SweatBlock marketing people have a google alert and were alerted to this post.
DeleteTrue Dat Eli! Google alerts was the tip off.
DeleteBut stalking quietly is more effective than stalking loudly.... :)
DeleteYou just saved my life. Why didn't you tell me about this when I was in middle school?! p.s. I'm tempted to publish this anonymously because people I know read your blog, but then I remembered, they know me. They've seen it. Since middle school.
ReplyDeleteKind of an interesting trick, going through menopause when you haven't yet (according to you) gone through puberty. I think you're doing it wrong, Eli. But the fabulous hair makes up for all of it.
ReplyDeleteOrdering a case right now...not for me of course, I don't sweat I "glow", but um, yeah I'm getting it for a friend, yeah....
ReplyDeleteHow much do I love SweatBlock's comment on this post? From one marketing person to another, I applaud you.
ReplyDeleteYears ago my doctor prescribed something called Drysol that I was to put on my underarms to stop the sweating. It burned like rage but it did the trick. I am pretty sure the stuff is equal parts aluminum and brimstone, but I'm okay with that so long as the sweat stays away.
When I was in high school I went shopping for a formal dress. I confided in the saleslady that I needed a dress that would hide my sweaty armpits. After the initial, "Ew gross, get out of my store!" she told me about Drysol. I've been using it since and it has literally changed my life. At first I used it maybe twice a month, but in the last ten years or so I only need to use it once or twice per year. AND I DON'T HAVE SWEATY ARMPITS ANYMORE! Good to know there is an over-the-counter version if I can't get a prescription for some reason.
ReplyDeleteWell THIS was delightful. I'm certain you're a stellar attorney, but if you ever get tired of it, you go ahead and start a career in advertising, because DAMN!, I don't even sweat and I'm going to purchase me some SweatBlock.
ReplyDeleteAnd before you get annoyed at the "I don't sweat" comment, just stop. That's a lie. I perspire. In the armpits. Anything above 74*F makes me super uncomfortable.
Also: aside from the large wet mess under your arms in that picture you posted? Your tie is dreamy. I love good ties, and THAT'S a good one.
Um. . . I'ma go buy me some of that. For a friend. Of course.
ReplyDeleteMu daughter suffers from excessive sweating. It's a real problem that normal antiperspirant doesn't stand a chance against.She's used prescription strength stuff from the doctor...doesn't work. I'm going to Amazon now to look for this. Thanks for the tip!
ReplyDeleteKaci, try the link in the post. It will take you directly to their site. Use the promo code "Stranger," which SweatBlock has apparently just graciously made for us. Good luck!
DeleteEli. Can I hire you to sell the product my company makes? I've never even considered buying something like this and I'm seriously going to order some anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm a sweaty beast too and a newfound lover of SweatBlock. It makes you smell of cloves for a bit but well worth it. And ladies (or possibly gents?) don't apply after you've shaved. Youch!
ReplyDeleteOh. My. Gosh....im in love, I'm marrying one of you right now...Eli, Sweatblock, Queen of colors..wait no not her...BUT anyways..OMGOSH im ordering right now...this is the the best news ever. ..no more glowing! ! Ummmmm now will someone please tell my husband that im in a now committed "Stranger" relationship? ?!? Heehee. And yes, uts Holly again and yes Goggle still wont admit to knowing me. ....ppfft...
ReplyDeleteThat sounds amazing. Seriously amazing.
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ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you to Eli for alerting me to this life-saving product and to SweatBlock for the promo code. After a winter of sweating through 10-degree days like I was wearing a ski suit in the Sahara and a summer resigned to being "that weird girl whose still wearing black and navy blue," I will definitely be ordering some of this stuff!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. I do tend to wear a lot of black too, or my denim jacket. Both of which are hot in 80-90*F weather. I like the color, but mostly because it hides the sweaty pits. Also because black, white, and red look awesome.
DeleteI'm just glad you're showering at least once a week (because armpits must be clean and dry before application and it lasts for 6-7days per use.) :-)
ReplyDeleteJust bought me some Sweatblock from the link, with the awesome coupon code as well as free shipping!! Can hardly wait the 3-8 days it will take for it to arrive.
ReplyDeleteEli, will you please do a tacky infomercial for this? You could have Tami make a cameo.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting at my desk reading this will tissues stuffed under my arms. How fitting.
ReplyDeleteI had a great great grandfather that rubbed something all over himself to stop sweating (way back in the day) and he died from his adrenals being clogged or something. It probably wasn't SweatBlock because it wasn't around then, but I hope you don't drop dead from your glands being backed up with excessive sweat or something.
ReplyDeleteBut will it work on sweaty feet and hands? Mainly feet.
ReplyDeleteI was going to ask the same thing! Forget pits, save those of us who have anxiety attacks and attempt to discretely wipe their hands on their pants every time they have to meet someone new! & flip flops?!? FORGETTABOUTIT.
DeleteWhile he may have changed your life for the better by introducing you to SweatBlock, that pool party host is a huge stick in the mud. I mean, making you wear pants at a pool party?? What, are your kneecaps not stylish enough for him and his ilk? I think the host must suffer from Eli Leg Muscle Envy. It's a real thing. Look it up.
ReplyDeleteFTW.
DeleteAm I the only one that feels like this is too good to be true? I mean, it's really cool of SweatBlock to give the Strangers a promo code and all, but to also have the snark that goes along with being a Stranger seems a little fishy... Oh. Wait. I think that's coming from all the sweaty Strangers. Carry on.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I feel like the exchanges between Eli and sweatblock are some weird "snuggle text" type of set up? In a week everyone will grow underarm hair like a chia pet and then Eli will say..."gotcha!". -Mr Paranoid
ReplyDeleteSweating is a normal bodily function. I had the same problem for a while. You have to change something your are doing to your body. Don't plug up your body's natural toxin exits. It will cause further issues down the road.
ReplyDeleteSeveral months later, I'm still reading this with delight and anticipation for my own sweatblock to come. THANK YOU ELI!!!
ReplyDelete