1. The amount of matches you have directly correlates with your value as a human being. For some people, matches shall serve no other purpose.
2. If a match is made, the less attractive person shall be responsible for commencing communication.
3. If you come across an exceptionally attractive person on Tinder, they are most definitely just traveling through town. There are no exceptions to this rule.
4. If you are the kind of person who goes on many first Tinder dates, DON'T USE THE SAME LOCATION EVERY TIME BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL RUN INTO RECENT FORMER DATES WHILE ON OTHER TINDER DATES AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING AND IT IS SO SUPER AWKWARD JUST TRUST ME ON THIS.
5. Everyone knows that a first Tinder date is supposed to last 45 to 60 minutes. If the person tries to end the date before 45 minutes have passed, you are not doing well.
6. You know that "hi" is a lame first thing to say via Tinder. You will say this or a variation of it anyway. You will feel creepy and awkward about it every time.
7. Be leery of anyone who has only one picture on Tinder.
8. If the person's first picture has one attractive person and one unattractive person in it, the person you are swiping is the latter.
9. If you start dating someone from Tinder, you'll feel inclined to tell people that you met in some other way even though Tinder is socially acceptable and every single person in the world uses it.
10. If you ever accidentally swipe left, prepare to feel unsettled for the remainder of the day.
11. When Tinder tells you that there is no one new around, this is a lie. Tinder is lying to you. Tinder doesn't want you to find love or happiness.
12. When you come across someone you previously dated and who you don't want to date again but you are curious to know whether they want to date you again, Tinder suddenly becomes a game of Russian Roulette where nobody can win.
13. There are few more intimidating moments than when you have to walk into a coffee shop, scan the place, and hope to God you have just waved at the right person and not to someone who just looks like the pictures of your Tinder date.
14. There shall be a disturbing number of people on Tinder who post pictures of what appears to be him/her with his/her spouse.
15. You shall choose two acceptable age ranges: the one you set in your preferences with Tinder and the one you feel when reality hits and you are suddenly presented with a person who is ten years from your own age.
16. Consider not allowing push notifications. It can be really awkward when your phone, while sitting on a table in front of others, informs you that you have a Tinder match. Especially if you're on a Tinder date.
17. Somehow nobody is the height you think they are going to be from looking at their Tinder pictures. There are no exceptions to this rule either.
18. How interesting the person is via text is actually not a terrible indication of how interesting they are going to be in person. This works both ways.
19. You will feel like you did something wrong if you come across a family member on Tinder, no matter which way you swipe.
20. How cute the dog is in their picture is a bad reason to swipe right on someone. It should be a factor. But not the exclusive reason.
21. Once you've Tindered for about a year, everyone in your city will start to look familiar, although you won't know why.
22. Everyone in the coffee shop knows you're on a Tinder date. You kind of just have to accept this and move on.
23. When you pass your number to someone through Tinder and they text you, it is ALWAYS funny to respond, "WHO IS THIS HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER?!?!"
24. The window to start a conversation with a Tinder match is about three days. After that it just starts to get weird. It's like saying hello to the person next to you on a flight seven hours in.
25. Saying goodbye at the end of a Tinder date is always confusing and weird and nobody knows what to do.
~It Just Gets Stranger
....How often exactly do you go on Tinder dates Eli? This is a LOT of rules that you seem to have picked up.
ReplyDeleteOh you know the rule. Seven a day keeps the doctor away!
DeleteSeriously...exaggerate much? Like 90% of the time maybe?!?! I CAN NEVER TRUST ANYTHING YOU SAY!
DeleteI freaking love this.
ReplyDeleteI feel like, as a local celebrity, you are asking to get catfished. But I'm willing to join Tinder to find out
ReplyDeleteI've literally never used tinder.
ReplyDeleteI honestly came to this post directly from my Tinder app. I'm too embarrassed to give my real name because my friends also read your blog. Thank you for these rules. It's good to know I'm not the only one with the feelings mentioned in 6 and 10.
ReplyDeleteI swore I'd never use Tinder, but I'd get it if it meant having any chance to go on a (albeit inevitably awkward) date with Eli McCann.
ReplyDeleteI second that!
DeleteFor number 24, wouldn't it be more like saying hello to someone at the beginning of a 7 hour flight then never talking to them again? Kind of like "Hey how are you? Good good. Where are you going? Ok" and turning to look out the window and never looking back at that person until you get off.
ReplyDeleteOnline dating is a lot different then it was 10 or so years ago. I met my wife on Yahoo personals (I had signed up, put my profile and never went back until I got an email saying someone was interested), and we've been married for over 11 years now. So you never know. Sometimes it's when you stop looking that you find what you're looking for.
First - I'm disappointed in you Lee - You didn't call Eli out on how exaggerated and over the top his lies are in this post. Nor did you compliment his hair. I think you're falling down on the job. Oh wait - I forgot the haircut . . . . forget the later part of that.
DeleteSecond - I met my husband via Yahoo Personals *gasp* 17 years ago . . . .we've been married for almost 15 years . . . . online dating is SO much different now that I am glad I'm securely married and don't have to wade into those waters.
Hats off to you Eli for putting yourself out there!
I'm sorry...cries...please forgive me. The vacation loosened up my brain.
DeleteHigh five on yahoo personals!
This is so true it hurts. I think that women get a slightly skewed perspective, but 98% of this absolutely applies. We tend to have a few other obstacles (if you're curious, visit straightwhiteboystexting.tumblr.com) it's painful and oh-so-real.
ReplyDeleteAs for #21 this has been absolute truth for me. I know that I have recognized SEVERAL people (most at my kid's school or my place of work) many married. I've also been recognized more than a few times.
Wow...I just read that link. That's terrible. Makes me wonder if they're just that stupid and awkward or if they've actually had success with those lines.
DeleteI've had the displeasure of experiencing text communications just like that myself more than once, and in multiple cities. It's widespread. I guess the idea that anonymity will hide them, and one girl might be into it is enough to make such clunky and awkward gestures toward women online seem reasonable. It's terrible. When you find someone that DOESN'T talk like that, you wonder "when is it going to happen?" or "how is this guy not married already?" It's a sad state of affairs.
DeleteI know it's an easy platform for this kind of behavior, and many others have used it as a comedic outlet. I've seen the prank-type messages Eli has written on Tinder, and I would take those a million times over the nonsense i'm faced with most days.
As for number 3: PREACH.
ReplyDeleteI don't use the kindlings, I can humiliate myself well enough in the old fashioned realm of face to face dating, thank you very much. Any dating method that involves "swiping" just sounds unseemly. This is of course the voice in my head that sounds like my nonagenarian father.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm married, I had no idea how Tinder works, or even what it is. I shall pass these rules along to my single friends and family. Thank you for your service. :)
ReplyDeleteOh geez. My friends finally talked me into trying Tinder, and although I'm relatively (very!) new to this whole thang, so many of these resonate as true, true, TRUE! I will never understand the "open marriage" thing and I'm always horrified when I see one on there.
ReplyDeleteA few more things I've noticed:
-90% of the fellas on Tinder post at least one picture of the (literal) fish they've caught. Do that many men really love fishing? Also, golf. I'm not sure what all the girls are posting pictures of, since I'm checkin' out the fellas. I might be guilty of posting the same thing as all the ladies without knowing it.
-No picture, no description, NO WAY.
-I'm pretty sure that adolescents are getting onto the Tinder and just putting a random birth year in the blank, because I've seen some supposed 30-somethings who, I am certain, cannot yet drive. *swipes left*
-Unmatching a match feels awkward and rude. At least it does to me. Am I alone on this one?
Great post. I've already shared with some friends on Facebook. :)
I always wonder if a guy will notice if I unmatch. It does feel rude. However, I've gotten notifications that I got a match and a message, and apparently i didn't respond fast enough, because when i check the queue, that person is not there. I've heard that's pretty common, but it seems weird. I don't have my phone on and ready to text at a moments notice all day and night. I probably don't want to know what he had to say to begin with.
DeleteAlso, common themes are group/frat pics (it's never the hot one), pictures of the dude with a tiger (i have no idea why a tiger is the mainstream animal), wedding photos (i assume it's the one time they aren't in sweats/playing xbox), pictures of video game characters(?), it's all pretty weird. I sometimes wonder, is this really how they want to portray themselves? is this the best picture they can come up with? who doesn't have a camera on their phone these days? It's all questionable on Tinder.
Yes. Yes to everything you said.
Deletenot that he knows what a coffee shop is, Cathie! (are there really coffee shops in Utah?)
ReplyDeleteI'm dating a Tinder match. We tell people we met online. Because that's SO MUCH BETTER.
ReplyDeleteDO BOB AND CATHIE APPROVE OF ALL THIS TINDER DATING???? WHAT IF, MURDERERS??? This isn't safe. This makes me question your ability to own a home and live by yourself. Maybe you should move back with Bob and Cathie for awhile and try being grown up again in a year or so.
ReplyDeleteI actually thought that this post was going to be about your fireplace. And just like that, I feel really old.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best and most accurate summary of my Tinder experience. Thank you and kudos. Hope you come up on mine! jkjkjkzzz
ReplyDeleteI married someone I met on tinder. It can work.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is # 23. Also I am not nor have I ever been on tinder.
ReplyDeleteForget the fish and group pictures and women with the men, I get ones with dead animals-is that what guys think girls are into? I wish there was a Tinder online and not just the phone.
ReplyDelete