Hippie School Emails

Recently I met someone who works at something called a "Montessori" school. He gave me a very long explanation for what this is but basically it's just a place for rich hippies to send their children. So naturally the Snapples had to start emailing a bunch of these schools about the education of their child.

Our victim here sent an email to the Stranger account after the end of this explaining that as the emails became more ridiculous, she googled "June Snapple" and found Stranger. I may have to start a new cover.


From: June Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: Connections

To whom it may concern,

I have recently moved into the area and my gifted child and I are exploring education options. My gifted child has very specific needs and demands the highest caliber of education. Your institution boasts of out-of-the-box new-age progressive approaches. I may be interested in encouraging my gifted child to choose your institution as well as making sizable donations. Can you please help me understand your institution's views on free love?

June Snapple



From: Private School
To: June Snapple
Subject: Connections

Ms. Snapple,

I would be happy to discuss specifics of what our school offers. We are a Montessori institution wherein we believe in allowing the children to teach themselves within certain limits. Our supervisors then help create the environment for this to take place. Can you tell me about your child? What is his/her name and age? What kinds of needs does he/she have?

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: Connections

Margaret,

I don't like to impose gender labels on my gifted child. It is up to my gifted child to choose a gender one day, if that's what my gifted child desires. Additionally, my gifted child has not yet chosen a name for itself. For a period it temporarily asked be known as Flitterglow, but since has unassumed that title.

My gifted child has a very strict vegan, gluten free, paleo, seedless, organic, locally grown only, sugar free, non-frozen, raw only diet. It is important also that my gifted child not associate closely with any other children who eat meat or animal-derived products or any children who enslave animals as pets. My gifted child has very strong moral objections and environmental concerns.

My gifted child's body is five years old.

June Snapple


From: Private School
To: June Snapple
Subject: Connections

June,

We try our best to accommodate dietary and other restrictions. We ask that parents help us understand how we can best help meet the needs of the children. I'm sure you have a very gifted child.

Margaret


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Dear Margaret,

I understand that my ex-wife, June, has been communicating with you regarding the possibility of enrolling our son Matthew Snapple, who is exceptionally gifted, in your school. I am certain that June has been driving you crazy, giving you an earful about all of Matthew's "unique needs." Please be aware that June and I share custody of Matthew and largely disagree on child-rearing practices. Matthew does have unique needs, but they do not involve moral veganism (WTF?) or any other hippie crap June has decided to enforce upon him this week.

Matthew is a very gifted hunter. Last year alone he and I shot down 15 animals in our community. It ended up being a bit of a mistake because, as it turns out, horse meat is not that good and kind of hard to sell. But Matthew is enthusiastic about killing animals and that's the point I wanted to make.

If Matthew attends your school, I will insist that you provide him time to explore his natural hunting desires. He is very gifted.

Paul Snapple


From: Private School
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Paul,

We have been contacted by June and have exchanged some information concerning what our school offers. We are happy to provide you whatever information you are looking for.

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Dear Margaret,

I understand you have begun corresponding with my husband, whom I have cc'd on this email. You are aware that this is a married man, I'm sure. I would like to politely ask that you cease your communication with him before you cause further problems in our already-struggling marriage.

June SNAPPLE


From: Private School
To: June Snapple, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

June

Paul emailed me asking for information about our school. That was the extent of our communication. Again if either of you are interested in what our school offers I will be happy to direct you to that information.

Margaret


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

A little TOO happy if you ask me!


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School
Subject: My Crazy Ex

Margaret,

Thank you SO SO SO much for covering. I have no idea how June found out that we started carrying on. I should have been more clear upfront that June and I are still technically married and living together and seeing a couples counselor. If Matthew attends your school, our involvement together is going to have to be kept a secret. Please try to understand.

Paul


From: Private School
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: My Crazy Ex

I wasn't covering anything. I did nothing to give you the impression that anything was going on here apart from exchanging information about the school.


From: Paul Snapple
To: Private School, June Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Margaret and June,

I think the three of us ought to sit down to a nice lunch together and try to work out our issues. There is no reason that we can't work together to provide Matthew the best resources possible. Which he deserves, considering how gifted he is. What say ye?

Paul


From: June Snapple
To: Private School, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Only if it's vegan.


From: Private School
To: June Snapple, Paul Snapple
Subject: Homewrecker

Actually I know where we can get some gifted horse meat.


~It Just Gets Stranger