People of the Gym

We all fall within one of these designations. ALL OF US.

January Man/Woman:

This is someone who comes to the gym in January only. This person can be seen wandering the floor, politely using half a dozen machines incorrectly and dangerously. He/she shows up the first Monday after New Year's Day and comes very consistently for that whole week. He/she shows up once or twice after that in January, and then usually never again for the remainder of the year, although there is sometimes a cameo sometime around the beginning of the summer.


King Kong:

This is a very large round man with enough testosterone to power a small city. He is usually heard before seen. He lifts extremely heavy weights off of the ground and then drops them onto the floor. Repeatedly. He also often screams when he does this. Between each action, he walks in a small circle, arms out on each side, looking menacing. It isn't clear what King Kong's goal is, but it's usually best to just stay out of his way.



Social Hour Guy:

Social Hour Guy knows everyone in the gym and he will make you feel like you are best friends. He is rarely ever seen actually working out, but he is extremely encouraging to everyone else. Social Hour Guy is basically like a little league coach who isn't getting paid.


Locker Room Man:

Locker Room Man is most certainly on the sex offender registry. He is never seen outside of the locker room. He wanders it, day and night, lurking, but never talking to anyone.


Fashion Show Woman:

Fashion Show Woman spends the majority of her time fixing her hair in front of the mirror. She works out about as much as Social Hour Guy. She will never be caught dead sweating. She inexplicably appears to be in good shape, leaving one to wonder if she does all of her working out somewhere else.


Gym Stretcher:

The Gym Stretcher walks into the gym, finds a mat, and then spends one hour stretching. The Gym Stretcher never does anything else. The Gym Stretcher pays a monthly fee to do this.


Angry Man/Woman:

Angry Man/Woman is mad all the time. They will never interact with anyone or smile. This is probably because they hate exercising. LIKE EVERY GOOD RED BLOODED AMERICAN SHOULD.


Resident:

The resident seems to live at the gym because no matter what time you go, they are there. Their lives are confusing.


The Hoarder:

The Hoarder gathers as many weights as there are weights. If you try to take any of these weights, The Hoarder will say some variation of "excuse me, I'm using that." This lasts for one to two hours.


The Intervenor:

The Intervenor will attempt to interject himself into your workout in any way possible. This usually means giving an exceptional amount of unsolicited advice or insisting on spotting you, even after you protest.


Cologne Man:

You can smell him from anywhere in the gym. Sometimes he goes into the locker room mid-workout to spray more cologne onto his body. This man does not want anyone to think he ever smells like anything other than a 13-year-old boy who just received his first bottle.

~It Just Gets Stranger