You guys. Did you know that Wisconsin is known for cheese? This is the best possible thing to be known for. One of its slogans is "America's Dairyland."
There isn't a better slogan. Whatever your state slogan is, it is crap compared to Wisconsin's.
It's like a bunch of people sat around the table and were like "now let's see. What is the best possible thing in the entire world . . . OMG. CHEESE!" And then they based their lives around this.
I have never been this disappointed to belong to "The Beehive State."
Seriously, Utah? Beehives? WISCONSIN HAS BASED ITS ENTIRE SELF IDENTITY AROUND CHEESE AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD DO?!
So when my friend Skylar told me to come to Wisconsin and eat cheese at some festival I made as many arrangements as needed to be made and I got myself the Hell to Wisconsin. Even though I knew there was a 75% chance I would be framed for murder by the Manitowoc County Sheriff's Department the moment I showed up.
My relationship with cheese has been a rocky one. I was raised in a home without it. Bob hates it because I guess he hates America so Bob and Cathie never cooked with it when we were children. I was told for many years that I hated cheese. Bob informed me of this on a regular basis. I call it "indoctrination" now.
Bob and Cathie should be imprisoned for what they did to their children all those years. I know there's this really compelling argument that we are locking up too many people but as far as I'm concerned if we aren't making parents serve jail time for not feeding their children cheese THEN I GUESS THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM IS BROKEN.
I swear to you that I was in college before I found out that normal people consider cheese to be a key ingredient in lasagna. I was seriously blown away by this revelation. You guys. Cathie's cheese-less lasagna was not traditional?!
Also, I don't even want to tell you how I thought lasagna was spelled until just now.
And so, turning my back on the way I was raised, I rushed to Madison Wisconsin this weekend.
But there was one very serious problem with doing this.
In my absolutely fanatical excitement to eat enough cheese that they would have to ship more cows into Wisconsin to make up for it, I failed to consider that I was going to basically the North Pole in the dead of winter.
Y'all. Do you understand how cold Wisconsin is in the dead of winter? I'm about to tell you. It is exactly too cold for happiness.
There is no happiness in Wisconsin in January. None. Even though they have CHEESE.
It is so cold in Madison that not even cheese can overcome the despair!
This is because Wisconsin is so far north that it is almost actually south. You guys. It is so far north that I could practically see Lee and his probably-Eskimo family riding through the forest on their dog sled.
Also, I don't even want to tell you how I thought Eskimo was spelled until just now.
Before I went to Madison, my friends there tried to warn me. They told me to pack warm clothes because it's cold there and they strongly advised me to try to prepare mentally for the horror I was about to experience.
I pridefully rejected their advice, confident that a lifetime in the Beehive State where we have THE GREATEST SNOW ON EARTH could prepare me for any winter conditions.
When I got to Madison I was informed that it was like negative 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside.
NEGATIVE.
TEN.
DEGREES.
Also, I don't even want to tell you how I thought Fahrenheit was spelled until just now.
You guys. That is not a temperature at which man should live! Why did they build a city in such a place?!
WHY!??!? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?
I spent the weekend making people promise me that whatever thing we were doing next would not require me to be outside for more than 5 seconds at a time.
I felt like I was living in a space colony and I had to figure out a way to get to and fro without ever going outside.
Do you know how hard it is to try to stalk Dean Strang's office without going outside at all?!
The locals acted like I was a crazy person for crying as much as I did this weekend. They wandered out into the misery like it was summertime. Like it wasn't negative ten degrees with excessive wind.
By the time I escaped that horrible place I decided that Wisconsin can keep its slogan. It needs it more than the rest of us. Wisconsin needs cheese.
Please keep Wisconsin in your prayers this week.
~It Just Gets Stranger
sooo....how much cheese did you consume? I'm curious if you've formed another relationship with those little red pills and your loo. :0
ReplyDeleteCold temperatures is simply Heaven's way of making sure you avoid as many situations without clothes as possible. Someone knows you and is looking out for you.
ReplyDeleteOh come on, if there's one thing we can be sure about, it's that Eli took off his pants at least twice in places you shouldn't take off your pants. The only good news is -10° causes so much shrinkage no one saw anything offensive.
DeleteOMG, Anonymous! RODLMAO!
DeleteEli, Maybe the more fitting punishment for Cathie and Bob depriving you guys of cheese for all of those years would be for them to have to spend the whole month of January in Wisconsin. Without the love of cheese to comfort you, I'm guessing that truly would be like hell.
ReplyDeleteFresh cheese curds that squeak are the bomb dot com. Please tell me you had some. - A native born Wisconsinion (Wisconsinite?)
ReplyDeleteNASA is currently studying my body to try to understand how I was able to eat 40 times the weight of a man in cheese curds this weekend.
DeleteOh Eli...I pity your office mates...and you know what I mean.
DeleteWell, if you don't...you ate 40X your weight in cheese, and cheese makes people farty.
You do the math.
That's just mean young man.
I LOVE SQUEAKY CHEESE CURDS! I need to find some, STAT!
DeleteEmelle, want me to mail you a bag of squeaky cheese? I promised my dad I'd pick him up some of the smoky bacon flavored ones tonight after work. I'm sure the UPS guy wouldn't wonder at all why the envelope was so squishy.
DeleteThanks, The Suzzzz. I'm only just now seeing this comment (nearly noon on Monday). I have to run out to the post office myself today, but not to mail squeaky/squishy cheese. They turn up at my Trader Joe's from time to time, so I'll look there. Thanks for the offer. :)
DeleteI love the use of the gif, you've become very knowledgable in the use of the internets! You're moving up in the world
ReplyDeleteAs someone who lives in the Western New York Snow Belt, near Buffalo, and having been snowed in all weekend, after which I risked life and limb to get to work today - I have a difficult time feeling sorry for you or Wisconsin.... That being said; I am feeling a (LOT!) let down here! There is almost nothing about Dean Strang here! Last we knew, his office has contacted you! This post is seriously devoid of stalking! Did you even drive past his office???
ReplyDeleteHey Eli- I'm actually from Wisconsin! I'm sorry the weather was so rough when you came, but image living in that kind of cold every winter for your entire life as you've known it. One time I went on vacation to Hawaii and the temperature was mid seventies and people started pulling out their sweaters and coats and telling us they were freezing. If only they knew...
ReplyDeleteI moved to northern California from Idaho. In Idaho it can easily be -5 with a windchill of -20 (instead of snow days we used to get cold days because the diesel in the buses had frozen). And I am now a BABY about the cold. If it gets down to 50 degrees and/or it rains, man you should hear be complain! I don't know what has happened to me. I used to make fun of people like me. But just know, being a cold baby can happy to anyone... even when you least expect it.
DeleteI recently hired an employee who moved from Madison, Wisconsin to Kalamazoo, Michigan. She says to tell you that Madison is nothing compared to this new level of frozen hell on the other side of the big lake.
ReplyDeleteNicole, you and that employee need to get to a safe place as soon as possible. Leave your things. We are sending a car. Hold each other until it gets there.
DeleteDude, Eli, I hate to tell you this, but you could have just driven 80 miles North of Salt Lake to Cache Valley and eaten ALL.THE.CHEESE at Gossners. And by doing so avoided the great frozen North/midwest. Cache Valley Swiss cheese even made a "best of" list in a magazine NOT based in Utah http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/shopping-storing/food/best-block-cheeses
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'...
I used to work 2 blocks from Gossner's and walk there for a mid-day stroll (and pick up milk boxes for my morning cereal) and I was always disappointed in their cheddar. I liked the Swiss, and I'm not a Swiss kind of gal, and the pepper jack, but the cheddar was no bueno. Lots of cheese curds, which I know lots of people really like.
DeleteI agree with you on the cheddar, their low fat mozzarella is pretty good, and their spreadable cheeses are nice. I really just go for the ice cream, I love the huckleberry.
DeleteAnother reason to go to Cache Valley instead of Wisconsin, it was a blamy 20F when I drove to work at 7am this morning. That's practically the beach compared to Madison.
DeleteAll of the cheese I ever buy in Southern California (where 60ºF is "freezing") is divine. Our California Dairy Cows are Happy Cows. It says so on all the labels. Never any cheese made from RBST (bad hormone) -fed cows. No bad hormones in our happy cows. AND it tends not to get colder than freezing (60ºF), ever.
DeleteMost of the cheese here in Cache Valley is good. I'm especially in love with every variety produced up at the Rockhill Creamery farm. If you want to see happy cows, visit Richmond. Those cows are happier in their work than I am and I sit inside all day! Their gruyere is the only kind I'll use for my french onion soup.
DeleteSo now you know, almost, how cold it gets up here in my city. The city of wind and icy coldness. Not this year so far, but normally we get days with -30F with a -50F windchill. I'm sure they have windchill warnings in Wisconsin. Now we don't get that every day in the winter, but normally December through February, we can see about 5-15 days or so of that temp. Normally it hovers around -10F to -20F though. This year has been unusually warm...and when I say warm I mean it's -4F outside now with a -25 windchill. So...NOT WARM AND I HATE IT HERE!!! GET ME OUT!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!! I've begged my wife to move but she doesn't want to because FAMILY!!! Friggen Italians! Seriously, I even said we could move to Italy where she has family but NNOOOOOO...or how about Vancouver or the Island where it's warmer and my sister and her family even live there, but NOOOOO!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously I just want to cry...hold me.
Lee - Eli is sending a car to rescue me - we'll be up to get you next!
DeleteWe recently spent three years in Minneosota, which had very similar wintertime temperatures....after being too cold for too long (and three years is not long...but we're pansies, okay?) we traded extremes and now we live in Phoenix, Arizona. I will take our 110* highs in July over -55* with windchill ANY day. My prayers are with you, Lee :)
DeleteLee, my prayers are with you as well. We've had an unusually warm winter here in Philly too. Let's put it this way, we walked out of the house on Christmas Day and my 6 year old got stung by a wasp! How does that happen? Now, we're in the negatives and awaiting a big snow storm this weekend (they're calling for anywhere between 12-24 inches of snow.) I think that I would just run away if it was -50 degrees. I'm NOT a snow bunny...I'm a beach bunny darn it! I feel like I'm Anna in Frozen trying to bring back summer.
DeleteNot to rub it in or anything, but it's sunny, breezy, and 65 degrees in Texas today.
DeleteSuck it, freezeballs.
I love you, Nicole. That was a very sweet thought. When Eli's car rescues you and Lee, be sure to make your way to Los Angeles. We'll have pie and cheese from Happy California Dairy Cows.
DeleteAlso, I love you, awesomesauciness. You know this already; I've told you so on your own blog (and possibly here). I think we are definitely related, somehow, even though I've had zero success finding any relatives past the ones I already know.
Quick, everyone send Lee snuggies emblazoned with kittens!
DeleteI live about 100 miles north of Madison. It is unfortunate you decided to show up at the exact wrong time. It has been very mild this year up until this past week. I'm glad you at least had some cheese.
ReplyDeleteThis is how we Wisconsinites keep all the best cheese for ourselves! Especially those fresh cheese curds...did you have some fried? THE. BEST. You have to really want it...and this winter has actually not been that bad. And also, eating so much cheese helps us insulate ourselves against the cold. You probably should have eaten more in preparation for your visit. Be better prepared next time.
ReplyDeleteHow in God's name do you make lasagna without CHEESE? It's unimaginable.
ReplyDeleteRight? Cheese is the main ingredient in lasagna. If you're missing any of the other ingredients it can still be made. No cheese? No lasagna.
DeleteNo, no! No cheese, except for a bit of parm is needed in lasagna. Use bechamel, a white sauce, between layers; no cottage cheese or ricotta nonsense. Wonderful and very traditional. Cathy probably has it right!
DeleteAnon number 3 is correct (traditionally anyway). My Italian mother in law (God rest her soul) used to only put a little parmigiana and mozzarella cheese into the lasagna. Her son, who has been able to master her recipe, makes it the same way.
Delete...I miss her. :*(
No, Lee. I don't care if your Italian MIL (God rest her sainted soul) used only a whiff of cheese in her lasagna and her son has mastered that recipe. LASAGNA NEEDS CHEESE - the more the meltier the better!
DeleteAlthough it is sweet that you miss her.
I'd actually really love to hear how Cathie makes it. I just recently stopped eating cheese these last several months due to being lactose intolerant, & have been craving lasagna lately!
DeleteANON AND I WERE TALKING TRADITIONAL EMELLE!!!
DeleteOMG, I am SO telling on you!
I'm with Anonymous, we need a guest post or a vlog with Cathie explaining how to make cheese-less lasagna!
DeleteLee, nobody likes a Tattle-Tale. And I also don't believe that cheeseless lasagna is "traditional". You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ;)
DeleteAuthentic traditional Italian lasagna. Same way they make their pizza, with very little cheese.
DeleteI'm right and your wrong, and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you except for the good stuff.
that is why WE live in God Bless America. We have improved these foods by adding MORE CHEESE.
DeleteYes, a cooking vlog with Cathie!!! OH PLEASE, ELI???
Delete(yes, I am screaming...as Cathie fans are apt to do)
"I'm right and your wrong" is JUST WRONG, Lee. Anon on 1/20 at 6:23 is right. MORE CHEESE!
DeleteEXCELLENT use of that Nancy Kerrigan GIF!!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't even want to tell you how I thought "Kerrigan" was spelled until just now...
Tony Console FTW
DeleteOn a side note, rather then approving all the posts people make, why don't you turn on the secure posting? So when we post we have to type in the code that shows up and stops bots from posting. Just a suggestion.
ReplyDeleteYou're so helpful Lee and so nice to completely give him the benefit of the doubt that he's attempting to avoid bots rather than CENSOR EVERY WORD WE TYPE!
DeleteIt's a good thing he has such phenomenal hair . . . . otherwise I might be offended.
We've already discussed this offsite, Lee. We decided that Eli doesn't have enough to do, what with the EVERYTHING that he manages to do. He wants to force himself to READ every comment so he can "approve" them. At this point, as long as my comments get approved within, say, twelve hours? No! TEN MINUTES!, then I'm okay with not typing in those ridiculous codes to prove "I am not a robot!"
DeleteYes I remember our conversation. But I need instant gratification. And I need it now!
DeleteLee, eat something. You're not yourself when you're hungry. Have some cheese; that should do it.
DeleteMy sister is in grad school in Madison and this weekend she was calling my mom every hour whining about how cold it was, that the condensation on her windows was frozen, and that she needs to pick up a prescription and grocery shop, but cold, no car, having to walk or bike, and help, and wanting to quit grad school, etc.
ReplyDeleteOnly a small part of Wisconsin is farther north than Oregon and we don't get awfulness like that here. Maybe it's BECAUSE of the cheese that they have winters like that. Keeping it fair so the rest of the states don't get jealous.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't want to tell you that I had to look at a map to be sure of Wisconsin's location before commenting.
Oregon is warmer because it's closer to the ocean. It helps to regulate the temperature. Though you'd think being so close to all those lakes would do the same...anyone know why Oregon isn't as horrid cold as Wisconsin?
DeleteCause when God made Oregon he knew how much rain we would get and decided that it would just be unfair to give us drizzly rain all year round and also -1000000000° at the same time
DeleteOr maybe just cause it's the best state ever! But I think it's more about fairness
Same as British Columbia in Canada. Barely gets snow, barely gets cold...rains a lot though in the winter.
DeleteBastards...I HATE THEM AND THEIR NICE WEATHER AND MOUNTAINS AND OCEAN AND STUFF!
I'm ok...I'm ok. Breath.
One of these days I'll have to tell you about the time I was EVEN FARTHER up north in January and went tracting in Quebec (which DOES have the North Pole, I think) and after two hours someone kindly informed us that we should get our derrieres inside because it was negative FORTY degrees outside.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually been a really warm summer! I prefer -20 degree days, so how nice it's been has kinda been a bummer. I live for winters.
ReplyDelete(you can all actively hate me now)
Oh we do...we do.
DeleteI don't hate you, dear.
DeleteI question your sanity, but then..frozen brain. Explains everything.
Again, awesomesauciness nails it.
DeleteLee, I have a theory about brains and extreme temperatures. I believe that 70F is the ideal ambient temperature for optimum human cognitive processing. The farther away you get from that temperature in either direction, the more difficult it is to think rationally, ergo the colder or hotter it gets the dumber people get. I formulated this theory after a friend and I watched her brothers sink 1 snow machine and 2 4-wheelers in one day after they drove each vehicle out onto a frozen river, the machines each broke through and they would bring another machine out to trying and pull up the one that had sunk previously.
DeleteI have to agree with you, The Suzzzz, with one slight alteration. Can we make that "optimal temperature" 75? 70 is still leaning towards "freezing" for me.
DeleteI was pregnant all summer, which was officially The Hottest Summer of All Time, and I complained about it incessantly, so I am now barred from complaining about the cold this winter. All things considered, I still prefer the cold. (Although, we are getting solar panels put up, so now I can actually afford to turn the air conditioning to a decent level this summer! Yay!)
DeleteAnonymous, pregnant women can complain all they want, seriously you are growing a tiny human inside you and it's miserable, a miracle but still miserable.
DeleteThis one time, at band camp, no wait...
ReplyDeleteThis one time we decided to drive from Texas to Missouri for Christmas.
And the temp was -40F
And the windchill was -70F
And the old clunker van's oil looked like hot fudge, only not as warm.
And the engine froze, at 60mph, and we had to pull over and wait for the sun to come up so it could warm enough to re-start.
And by the time we got where we were going I had NO feeling from thigh to feet. None, nada..truly that was scary.
Never. Again.
Why can't my wife be more like you?
DeleteStupid icy tundra!
Mr. McCann,
ReplyDeletePlease come visit Texas and give us a review. However, you MUST come in July or August! It would only be fair to you. (We will even let you say y'all and not hold it against you.)
Much love,
Texas Strangers
August. Period. It needs to be August if you want a the humid heat version of hell. Anyone who makes their family and friends take family pictures at their wedding OUTSIDE in Houston, Texas needs to lie down inside an air conditioned building IMMEDIATELY.
DeleteOn the flipside, I'm pretty sure heaven will be like Texas in March and April. Just sayin'.
My little sister used to live in the DFW area and I agree that August is the peak of stupid hot season in Texas.
DeleteAgreed. August is terrible... and it only gets worse the closer to the coast you get. You don't know hot until you know Texas hot, there's not even relief in the shade unless you have a box fan blowing on you. #onlythingsTexansknowabout
DeleteI live in Winterfell and I can guarantee my home is colder than anyone else here.
ReplyDeleteYou live in a fantasy world?
DeleteLet me explain something John. When you choose to live in a fantasy world, you pick nice warm places, not cold ones. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!??!
To be clear, this John character is the same person as the "Skylar" referenced in this post. The one who ruined my life by getting me to come to Madison Wisconsin in the dead of winter.
DeleteHe has a hard time knowing his name.
AHA, your cover is blown!
DeleteAnd to be clear, I live in Winnipeg, coldest city on the planet Earth...well, not IN Winnipeg, in a town just outside of it...in any case people have given the city the name "Winterpeg" for a reason.
...and now you all know where to stalk me. Have at it.
Lee, I am so sorry! My nephew served his mission in Winnipeg, and in reference to a comment above about the -40 degree weather, missionaries were told that only until the temperature reached -40, they were EXPECTED to still be out and about in it! -39, keep going! My son was blessed to serve his mission in Vancouver, and even when he was serving up north (Terrace, Quesnel) he was not anywhere as miserable as his cousin was. So do what you have to do to convince your wife to move to BC!
DeleteI've been trying Anon...I've been trying.
DeleteLee - it's too cold to stalk you right now - watch for me in August.
Delete"I pridefully rejected their advice, confident that a lifetime in the Beehive State where we have THE GREATEST SNOW ON EARTH could prepare me for any winter conditions."
ReplyDeleteYou are every Utahn I ever served with EVER in Canada, hahaha.
So I live in North Carolina. People here cannot even with snow. We had snow flurries, FLURRIES this afternoon and everyone panicked. It happens at the mere mention of snow. They forget how to drive, everything closes, and everyone and their mother must go to the grocery store and the gas station. I was unaware of the grocery store madness; the parking lot didn't look too bad. SO I go in to get just a few things to make for dinner and come back to check out and the line is wrapped around the store. The snow is not even sticking. I was highly annoyed by this turn of events and figured that since they are predicting we will get at least 4-5+ inches on Friday, I might as well go ahead and get more stuff while I was in this special grocery Hell. Southerners and snow :)
ReplyDeleteHere in northern Virginia a while back, they pre-treated the roads because there was a forecasted dusting of snow. A dusting! So when there was a forecasted less than one inch yesterday, I was so proud of Virginia for not overreacting and not pre-treating.
ReplyDeleteThen there were over 400 accidents in the DC area and people were stuck in traffic for up to 9 HOURS, getting home after midnight from work. Insanity.
The forecast calls for upwards of 2 feet of snow this weekend. I'm buying half the store, because apparently no one is going to be able to drive for two weeks after this. (but I'm going to do it with a smile on my face, because I've been waiting for snow all year!)
I can't believe you grew up without macaroni and cheese, be it the blue box or homemade. I am so sorry...I can't even...I'm in shock.
ReplyDelete