My Mother's Pickle Canning Recipe None Of You Asked For, Which Was Rude

I'm basically Martha Stewart now, except I've been to less prison and I look better in skirts. I thought I might as well fully lean in and turn Stranger into a quasi recipe site. My recipes are better than most because you don't have to scroll past a 5,000-word essay about some woman's husband. Instead, I INCLUDE THE ESSAY WITHIN THE RECIPES! (Also, for past recipes, I've started a Recipe tab at the top of this very stupid website. I don't even know what Stranger is anymore.)

The below is one I've been meaning to write up since before the war. It's my momma's famous (D-list celebrities, but that's big for vine plants) pickle canning recipe. I grew up on these and they have forever ruined all other pickles for me. Once you have a Cathie pickle, you'll never go back-thy . . . shnickle. That rhyme didn't really work out but I'm too lazy to delete.

Enjoy!

My Mother's Spaghetti Canning Recipe No One Asked For, Which Was Rude

My most vivid memory from my entire childhood is stuffing my face into a giant green pillow in the basement during canning season as the house would fill with overpowering scents of dill and tomatoes and MSG. I hated it. For a long time, I hated it. Then something happened to me that I don't think has ever happened to anyone else: I became my mother.

Now, each summer and fall I can eleventy thousand jars of shit in an ongoing game of "What Won't Skylar Eat." I currently have enough untouched applesauce on my basement shelves to reverse climate change. The pickle situation is even more dire. After canning SEVENTEEN quarts of pickles last autumn I learned that 50% of my household hates pickles.

The one exception to our wasted canning so far is my momma's spaghetti sauce. This was a staple in our house growing up and truly, Cathie McCann should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for perfecting the recipe. Each year I can exponentially more of this stuff. We go through about a quart a week, using it for spaghetti, lasagna, homemade pizza, chicken marinade, acid reflux disease, neighbor gifts, etc.

And now you can make it, too! Ingredient list and semi-profane step-by-step instructions below.

Ingredients (This will make about 10 pints or 5 quarts of sauce)

20 cups of pureed, peeled tomatoes (about 10 pounds of roma tomatoes)
1 green pepper
1 onion
2 tablespoons of white vinegar
1 tablespoon of chili powder
1 tablespoon of garlic salt
2 tablespoons of salt
1 tablespoon of dry mustard
2 tablespoons of taco hot sauce (optional)
1 teaspoon of parsley flakes
1 teaspoon of basil
2 teaspoons of oregano
3 cloves of garlic
3 tablespoons of flour

So I Guess I'm Vegan Now

In 2019 I decided I was going to try to eat less meat because I was basically personally responsible for the slaughter of millions of animals each year and I thought I ought to try to reel that in so I can hopefully go to heaven or gay heaven or heaven minus or at least hell plus some day. It was the first time in my life that I actually thought about how much meat I was consuming. Normally I would skim past vegetarian options on restaurant menus, like those weren't even available to me.

I didn't make any drastic changes or anything, but I did try to get myself in the habit of considering non-meat options for meals and get myself out of the habit of eating meat every day. What happened was I started regularly choosing the vegetarian options at restaurants (and finding out, to my great surprise, that a lot of veggie burgers are actually better than the beef option). Sky and I found a few vegetarian recipes that we liked to include in our rotation. We also tried to choose fish instead of chicken or beef (we already don't really eat pig).

In the end, I still ate a lot of meat, but maybe only like 75% of usual. So I was only responsible for the slaughter of 75% of millions of animals. Which at least gets me on some sort of waiting list for possible afterlife not terrible jobs.

Anyway, while I obviously never got anywhere near vegetarianism, by the end of 2019 I felt like I generally understood it. It was one of those things where I thought, "yeah. I could do that, if I was willing to put in the effort." Like paying taxes or reading books.

I'M JUST KIDDING I READ A BOOK LIKE 18 MONTHS AGO.

My Borsch Recipe None Of You Asked For, Which Was Rude.

Eleventy hundred years ago I wrote a post sharing my borsch recipe and periodically people will email me to say that they used it to make borsch themselves and I get embarrassed about this because (A) that post is a big ol' mess and (B) WTF else are people finding on this site from 2007???

So, I decided to do a new borsch post that should be easier to follow. This takes a full seven eternities to make, but we all have at least that much time every day in our houses right now so you might as well fill it with garlic and beets and dill.

Also, about twice a year I get an angry email (usually from some Russian) about how my Ukrainian borsch recipe is incorrect and I should be ashamed of myself. Let me preempt your rage, if you plan to fall in this camp: this is how I learned to make Ukrainian borsch from a Ukrainian babucia in her Ukrainian kitchen in a tiny Ukrainian village in western Ukraine in 2003. If you have a problem with it, take it up with her (in heaven). I wouldn't recommend it though. She told me once she was literally on Stalin's enemy list, and well, you can piece together who lived five decades longer between those two.

Ingredients (This will fill a giant pot. You could easily cut everything in half and still feed an ugly family of six):

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We are now on day eight or so of Jolyn Metro's "I'm just going to stay tonight" visit. Today I asked her what her weekend plans were.

Jolyn: Well I'm not sure. See, I'm just staying with you for the night, so I need to figure out where I'm staying tomorrow.

Eli: You're not staying here tomorrow?

Jolyn: Haha. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Eli: But you just said--

Jolyn: Did any mail come for me today?

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

My little niece Kate graduated preschool. I wish all graduations were this entertaining. 

Borsch!!!

So guess what today is? Yup, college graduation.

Last night I went to a Ben Folds concert and then grabbed a chimichanga at Beto's with some friends after midnight (biggest mistake of the week). Is it just me or does anyone else feel like they're entering a third world country when they go into Beto's? Every time I go I feel like I might need my passport to get back out. Two summers ago my friend and I had a two week training for work in Salt Lake and we ate at the Beto's just across the street every day. We always loved it, and then regretted it later that night, ifyouknowwhatImean. Anyway, so after I woke up this morning and spent the next 30 minutes or so sorting through the Big Beto's Blunder of 2008 from just 8 hours before (nuff said about that!), I panicked and decided to make Borsch, wondering once again why I don't make it more often. I will get a bit braggy here; I make the world's best borsch, and I've decided to share my secrets today in this blog. BTW, today's borsch was my all time best!


















This makes way way way too much. But I'm always glad I did.

First get:
-About 5 red potatoes
-Two cans of pinto beans
-3-4 Medium-sized beets
-About 4 medium-sized carrots
-One large red onion
-Pork, chicken, or beef
-3-4 cartons of chicken stock (even if you're not cooking with chicken--just trust me)
-1/2 a head of green or purple cabbage
-1 can of tomato paste

The first thing you want to do is get the meat cooking. Put a little oil and stock in your pot, just enough to almost cover the meat, and let it start cooking on a low heat. I usually put in a couple of garlic cloves and some salt at this point, too. Then peel the potatoes (unless they are red skin) and chop them into small squares. Once the meat is mostly cooked, fill the pot about half-way with the stock and get it boiling. Throw the potatos in (I usually have to do two pots unless I have a really really big one). You want to get the potatoes boiling first because they need to be really soft by the end.

Then peel the carrots and beets and grate them separately with a cheese grater (I usually remember why I don't make this very often when I grate the beets because it is a pain!!!). Then chop up the onion and carmelize it. Once the onion is carmelized, add the carrot shreds to the onion and a little stock for moisture. Stir and let cook for about 5-10 minutes. The carrot shreds should become very limp.

At this point you'll want to chop up about 1/3 to 1/2 a head of cabbage in small skinny strips and throw that in with the potatoes which should be soft enough that they almost fall right off a fork. You can throw the beans in at this point, too.

Now the trick: then throw the beet shreds into a frying pan with a little oil and the tomato paste (sometimes I do this with out the tomato paste). After the beets cook for about 8 minutes, mix it with the carrots. It should be a deep red in the frying pan (and it smells SO good). Let them cook together for about another 5 minutes. I will often throw a couple of garlic cloves into this part as well. I know that sounds weird but I swear it makes a difference and I've been told by a culinary arts major who shall remain nameless that it makes sense. And Kalli knows what she's talking about; she's an amazing cook. Oops.

Now the magical part: Pour the carrots, onion and beet into the pot and stir it around and watch your borsch turn a beautiful deep deep red. If your borsch is more orange, you did not put enough beets in it. Let it simmer for at least 10 minutes while you add garlic, salt, and any other herbs and spices you like.

Borsch is served best with sour cream and bread and butter.

Now, some of you threw up in your mouths every time I typed the word "beets" but I'm here today to tell you that you need to give this a try. I have always HATED beets but it is totally different in borsch. Borsch is the most fabulous thing that has ever crossed my tongue, including cheesecake (don't tell cheesecake that I said that). I could eat it every day and I've yet to make it for someone who has not absolutely loved it. (If anyone has had it, you can please back me up in the comments of this post).

If anyone needs help or has any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

~It Just Gets Stranger