EGG WARNING!

I'm here to issue you a warning. Consider this a PSA. If the person pictured below offers you eggs that he has prepared, DECLINE!

Ok, I know. You're looking at that picture and you're thinking, how can such a kind-looking person possibly do something terrible enough to necessitate these warnings?

You're thinking, I would hang out with that guy and I would take any food that guy offered and feel comfortable that that food wasn't laced with poisons.

Guys. Don't you think I know that? WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING! He's not what you think!


Daniel is good at a lot of things. Playing baseball without a glove, for example. Also, reaching stuff that is really high.

Something Daniel is definitely NOT good at? Remembering that eggs canNOT be left out and consumed later.

Last summer Daniel prepared an excessive amount of deviled eggs for human consumption at a lunch party he was attending. Later that day I noticed the uneaten eggs in the back seat of his car. It was a HOT sunny day and they had been sitting in there for aboooouuuut FIVE HOURS.

I remember thinking at the time, gee. I wonder why Daniel didn't leave those eggs with the party host if he was just going to let them go to waste in his car?

Because guys. I thought that one of the things you had to do in order to become an adult was learn about eggs and egg-based foods and how they can't get left out in the sun and then be safely consumed.

When I saw those eggs in the back of his car, we were at our friend Anna's house. At some point, when I wasn't paying attention, Daniel retrieved these deviled eggs and brought them to the group as a special surprise treat.

The government would capture me and keep me contained for studies if it saw the anti-laws-of-physics moves that I performed when I flew through the air screaming to prevent 8 people from taking that first deadly bite of poisoned egg. I swear it happened in slow-motion.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! POISON!!!! THEY'RE ALL POISON!!!!!

Daniel defended his actions. "It's not like I spilled raw chicken juices on them!"

I get it. Everything you know in life, you have to learn at some point. It's totally ok that Daniel didn't know about the deviled eggs in hot cars poison death destruction thing. Surprising. But ok.

For heaven's sake. I didn't know that eggs weren't a dairy product until I was 23. Guys. THEY'RE NEXT TO THE MILK AND BUTTER! How was I supposed to know they aren't "dairy!"

Daniel is incredibly smart. He has read every book ever written and he seems to know a little about everything. At night, when we're sitting out on the balcony, he's reading Crime & Punishment and taking notes while I'm playing Angry Birds until my battery dies and I just lay on the ground fake crying for someone to pay attention to me.

And he STILL concentrates on what he's reading, even after I start throwing stuff at him and calling him names that I can't repeat in front of mixed company.

I don't want you to think that I'm saying the guy isn't smart. Because that's NOT what I'm saying. What I'm saying is DO NOT ACCEPT EGGS FROM HIM THAT HE HAS PREPARED!

Because just when I thought he learned his lesson from the Deviled Car Bomb experience, as it is now commonly known among its almost-victims, last night happened.

I was washing dishes, dancing, and singing at the top of my lungs, "WHOOOMP THERE IT IS! I SAID WHOOMP--"

No, you know what? Never you mind what I was singing. IRRELEVANT. Stop getting me off track.

I was singing. That's all you need to know. In what was most likely an effort to get me to stop, Daniel handed me a peeled hard-boiled egg, which I noticed he did not retrieve from the refrigerator or any type of container.

I immediately placed the entire egg into my mouth because I'm no gentleman and I treat all food like I'm in an eating competition. It's like practice for if I really am ever in an eating competition. It's smart. It's the only thing I took from Boy Scouts. Be prepared. That, and John Scoville told me what sex was at a scout camp.

Anyway, after a couple of chews, I asked through my full mouth, "When di' u make 'ese?" To which Daniel casually responded, "yesterday morning."

With everything I had in me, I immediately spit all of the contents of my mouth directly at the kitchen wall in front of me. I seriously think I might have broken the sound barrier. It was hard to tell over the sounds of my screaming and gasping for air.

Daniel asked "what just happened?!" And then mockingly and with the use of air quotes, "oh . . . the 'egg thing' again?"

Yes, Daniel. The "egg thing" again.

After I lectured him on the dangers of eating egg-based foods that have been sitting out, this time for almost 2 full days in the hot tropics, he rolled his eyes and defiantly swallowed one of them, basically whole.

Guys. I seriously think he might be hiding his food poisoning from me today to prove a point.

I'm not wrong about this, am I? Hard boiled eggs left out? That's not ok, right??? This better not be another egg/dairy thing.

~It Just Gets Stranger