Right before lunch today I got the mass text that "fresh" produce had graced the land of Palau.
12 seconds later I was walking down the street toward the grocery store at a brisk pace when the Stormtrooper zoomed by with Daniel at the wheel, looking like a 6 foot 6 version of the wicked witch of the west on her bike. He has stopped "wasting time" picking me up when such text messages are received. I found him at the store about 10 minutes later, his arms full of half-rotted onions, peppers, and garlic, a look on his face like he just won the lottery and he didn't know who to thank first.
What has become of my life?
I got a bottle of water and then asked Daniel to drive me back to the courthouse. During the course of the 3 minute drive I opened the bottle and spilled water ALL over my lap. And magically, it went in exactly all the right spots it needed to in order to look like I peed my pants.
Ever the beacon of support, Daniel did exactly what any good friend would do.
Daniel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [Pointing] You peed your pants!!! You TOTALLY peed your pants!!!! Everyone is going to laugh at you!!!
Bad: when your friends point and laugh at you.
Worse: when your friends who like their popcorn soggy and eat contaminated eggs point and laugh at you.
So then I did that thing where you try to spill more water on yourself intentionally and in places where pee wouldn't go if you really did pee your pants so that people will just think you spilled water on yourself. But after doing this it just made the wet spot bigger, like I peed my pants while lying down and rolling in it.
So then I spilled water on a part of my pants that wasn't connected to the wet spot in the crotch area so it would be clear that I had something spilled on me. But then it just looked like I peed my pants and then tried to do that thing where I intentionally spill water on myself to make it look like I didn't really pee my pants.
Wait. You guys haven't ever tried that? Yeah, me neither. Who would do such a stupid thing?
Anyway, this whole experience was really traumatic because it gave me flashbacks of when I VERY recently actually peed my pants and then spent the next hour hiding in the jungle, texting Daniel to come and get me and help me get out of having to give a presentation to a group of people. This is still too recent for me to want to give any more details. But I just want to say: I'm aware that males between the ages of 8 and 75 have absolutely no good excuse for peeing their pants. Just know, my circumstances were special.
Oh what the hey. You twisted my arm. I'll tell you more. So I was at the church for a youth night and there's this garden behind the church building and I didn't know where the bathroom was because I was still pretty new and I had to pee so bad and it was dark out so I decided I could just pee in the garden but right after I started someone pulled up in a car and the headlights shined on me so I tried to hide and in the process I completely peed my pants.
And I can't tell whether that last paragraph is going to incite you to keep reading Stranger, or get you to remove me from your feed. (Whatever that is!)
Anyway, after spilling water on my pants in the car today, I didn't want to have to go all the way home to change. Then I remembered that I have six pairs of pants, most of which belong to me, in my office right now. This is because I bring running clothes to work every day so I can change in my office and run home. The problem, which today is my blessing, is that I end up with stacks of clothing in my office that never quite make it home.
Daniel assured me that I would probably not run into anybody on my short walk from the car to my office. And this sounded right, since most people would be out at lunch.
Wrong.
It was like they were all waiting for me. I swear the entire population of Palau lined the path from the Stormtrooper to my office. It felt like running down the final stretch of the Ironman. Not that I know what that's like.
I tried to place things in front of the "pee zone" in order to block the area. But instead, this very unnatural place to hold my water bottle only drew attention to it, and I got concerned looks from all 17 people who live in Palau as a result.
I guess the good thing about embarrassing myself repeatedly in front of the whole country is that eventually there won't be any social expectations for me. Right?
~It Just Gets Stranger
I have found that after peeing your pants and people noticing, they actually expect more from you. Like their own personal dancing monkey... who pees it's pants. But at least you got to change!
ReplyDeleteI always post on this scrapbook website. These women are a little crazy. I say your next thing you pull off is there. Because no matter how crazy your story is they try to kind of walk around it giving you advice. The website is www.twopeasinabucket.com. You want to go to the NSBR section. Your humor would be just what that board needs. It is getting boring. And I will join in with the "Once ni the barrel, twice in the side." I think I got that right.
ReplyDeleteSome topics that are guaranteed to set them off: Anything animal related especially dogs and cats. The dangers or eating fast food and microwave dinners.
The women fight about just about anything. We could make this epic. We call them something gate.
A few epic threads in the past:
One woman had a dog who stole the baby Jesus out of their yard. They had those plastic things. The dog loved it. And, of course, the neighbors had to replace it but then the question was do we let our dog play with the original baby Jesus. It was pretty funny. These women can be so colorful.
Then there is a woman who just expects people to be equally as livid as her. She goes down to get the turkey and the turkey place wasn't open on Thanksgiving. She just threw a fit and talked about throwing a tire into the glass on Thanksgiving. It was hilarious.
So going into it with really rigid beliefs is fun. The crazier you can be the better.
Another fun idea that we did is we would move those ceramic statues to different neighbors house and keep them rotated it is pretty funny.So the neighbor across the street has the lawn ornaments. We even kidnapped one and took it on a progressive dinner. Taco was fun for the night.
By the way thank you for this blog. I can not thank you enough. I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression. Really really bad. I have dealt with some pretty difficult times. Thank you for providing an outlet for good, clean humor. And I love your personality. So thank ou
Eli, this should make you feel better: I'm a grown-ass woman and I've peed the bed in my 20's and shit my pants 3 times in the last 2ish years. All in front of my poor husband. And he hasn't left my pee/poop-pants self.
ReplyDeleteThere's a rest stop on the way to the Jersey Shore that I can never show my face in again because even though I know I can't really tolerate dairy products, I was feeling rather cavalier that day and had some ice cream RIGHT BEFORE A 2 HOUR CAR TRIP.
ReplyDeleteSuffice it to say that my friends will never let me live down the day I came running out of the bathroom insisting that we leave IMMEDIATELY because there was an incident that involved poop getting on the bathroom wall.
If it makes you feel any better, my best friend (who is not mentally handicapped or elderly) pooped his pants while we were at UVU. He had to walk around all day with poopy pants :)
ReplyDeleteOnce Daniel laughed at you for spilling water on your pants, your best move was to spill water on him in the same pattern. Share and share alike. Or once up the barrel, twice down the side.
ReplyDeleteMy sentiments exactly, c'mon Eli, why show mercy to poor Daniel now?
DeleteI may or may not have stripped my 3-year-old daughter of clothes and asked her to pee on the floor of a public bathroom because she refused to sit on the potty and I didn't want her to pee her pants. Not saying that happened.
ReplyDeleteMy children have a lifelong friend (the son of one of my best friends). Last summer when he was a grown up of 18 years old he peed the bed one night while sleeping at our house. The pipes from the laundry were being really loud for a while and whenever we did laundry, we could hear the water going through the pipes and those pipes were in the wall near the bedroom. So he had a dream about water and woke up and had peed himself. I was the only one up that morning as it was really early and he came into the kitchen and said, "I gotta go home and take a shower, I'll see you later", And I said, "Why are you up so early, I thought you didn't have work until 5?" and he started to laugh and said "I peed the bed" and then he told me about his dream and we laughed a lot. Then he had to walk home about 15 minutes away with pee pee pants on. When his mom/my friend called me later I told her that he had to go home cause he peed the bed and she laughed so hard. She laughed so hard she peed her pants. Like mom, like son.
ReplyDelete"Who does such a stupid thing [as splashing water all over to hide their accidental water spill that landed badly]?"
ReplyDeleteThe same kind of person who puts unknown objects into his mouth, maybe? (What was it, again? Something that looked like unto a cookie, but not quite?)
Did you end up changing, or did you just keep your "water-splashed" pants on, since the entirety of Palau witnessed your experience firsthand, and changing was a moot point anyway? (Because it really was just water, right, Eli? If you had actually peed, I'd say for sure you should've changed pants, because urine is gross, and dried urine smells horrendously.)
...Gina...I agree with your last sentence...though not everyone goes...as a 53 year old man, I have about 1-2 accidents a year, and, as soon as possible, I change my underwear (and pants, if I have also wet them) as soon as possible...This is also why I have lots of clean underwear...I often take 2 or more pairs per day on vacations with me...even though I have never recalled having an accident during a vacation...though I nearly did so during several long car trips...I like having the ability to have a clean dry pair during hot days, especially during vacations...
DeleteYou should have just stripped. Most of Palau has already seen you naked due to the Body Scrub Incident, anyway.
ReplyDeleteNot sure which is funnier - the blog posts, or the confessions in the comments sections!
ReplyDeleteYou should have channeled Adam Sandler. "Peeing your pants is the COOL THING TO DO!" And then everyone else would have peed their pants and you would have been a trendsetter.
ReplyDeleteI was having a bad day and reading your posts, its amazing, can totally change that. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us strangers (both ups and downs). Twice up the barrel once down the side Eli. Twice.
ReplyDelete...I'm a 53 year old guy with diabetes, and, due to drinking more than normal, I have 1-2 wetting accidents a year...I would be embarrassed if someone knew I did it, particularly a pretty lady, but I'd get over it...
ReplyDeleteAre you Mormon? if not, what church do you go to? (by the way you are HILARIOUS
ReplyDelete