Recently I started emailing several college admissions offices as "June Snapple." This one really tried to help a girl out.
I used multiple email accounts under different names, so pay attention to the email headers.
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Help a gurl out?!
Hey-o,
Mi name is June Snapple and Im redy for collage pleeese! can you tell me how to get in to collage and tel me lik wher my locker is and wat i need 4 the 1st day?
June Snapple
From: Admissions Office
To: June Snapple
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
June,
Please note the application deadlines listed online. The application deadlines for the fall semester have already passed. You may apply for the following semester by submitting the material listed on the website.
Valerie
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
koolio! heres my aplications stuf.
so my resum is perty much this--ive ben lik workn 4 my dad lik perty much since i was a baby. he like duz all this stuf with puters and i jus like typ it and stuf. o and i went to hi skool and took that clas wher they make you cary a fake baby around for lik 1 week but then i stoped going becuase i was like NO WAY I DONT EVEN WANT A BABY BECAUSE JERMS!
K, thnx. wen willl i here about if i got in becuz i told sum of my frinds alredy that you let me in and i want u to mak an honest women out of me.
From: Admissions Office
To: June Snapple
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
June,
We appreciate your interest. The website lists in detail how to submit an application with this university. Emailing the admissions office will not be adequate for submitting an application. Again, until you submit an application appropriately and as described on the website, we will not consider your application.
I also want to stress that we have high standards for our admitted students. Excellent high school academic performance is crucial for serious consideration. Please research this and your other options well before applying in order to make the best decisions possible for you.
Valerie
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
Kool. i feel u. so lik i just luked at the internet and u neeed lik lettrs of recmendations and stuf rite? so lik i will just hav sum peeple email u and then we can cal it all good ok? but DONT CAL MR MARVIS BECUZ HE HATES ME N I DONT EVEN KNO WY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Paul Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: June Snapple, Recommendation
Dear Admissions Office,
I am June Snapple's most recent employer and I would like to write a letter on her behalf, recommending her to your program. I have known June for many years and she has been in my employ for all of that time. In those years, I have never known anyone to work as diligently or as intelligently as June. June always takes great initiative. She has excellent communication skills. She is personally tasked with all outgoing communication from the office. June also single-handedly writes the company newsletter. I am certain she will be a great addition to your school.
Very Truly Yours
Paul Snapple
From: Tami Spammy
To: Admissions Office
Subject: hI
june is lik my best frend and she is lik sooooooooooooooooooooooo cute n good at lik evrything n she didnt evn du wat mr marvis sed she did with thos rabits by his howse so let her in k?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!????????????//////
From: Prezident Obmama
To: Admissions Office
Subject: let nto skool JUNE!
hi this is pres obmama plees let in june snapple becuz she is KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL and i recmend her frm the wite howse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Admissions Office
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: Re: June Snapple
Dear Mr. Snapple,
Thank you for your email on behalf of June Snapple. June has communicated with our office a number of times now. We have repeatedly explained to her to check the website for application deadlines and procedure. Our office does not accept applications or letters of recommendation via email. It appears that June is not understanding our direction. Perhaps you could talk with her and help her understand.
Valerie
From: Paul Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: June Snapple, Recommendation
Valerie,
This doesn't surprise me at all. It sounded a little too good to be true. June told her mother and I that she was already accepted to your university and that you merely needed an emailed letter of recommendation from me in order for her to have a "complete" file.
I want to be completely honest with you. I exaggerated a little bit in my letter concerning June. And I know it's unethical, but I'm actually June's father, not her employer. My wife and I don't typically let June write a lot of the family newsletter because she's a very slow typist and we just don't have the time. We REALLY really want June to go to college this fall because we want the house to not have her in it anymore.
Is there anything that can be done? Perhaps a donation to the University?
Paul
From: Admissions Office
To: Paul Snapple
Subject: Re: June Snapple
Paul,
The only thing I can tell you to do is to review the material online and have June submit an application if she is interested. I told June that there is a high standard here for admitted students. If this school is not a good fit for June, there may certainly be other options out there for her.
Valerie
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! HU WIL LIV IN THE DORMS WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????//
From: Paul Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: June Snapple, Recommendation
Valerie,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I hate to impose, but I don't know what else to do. June will be so crushed if she finds out that she did not get in to your university. Her heart is set on it and she's been telling everyone she already got accepted. She has even dyed her hair red in honor of your school color. Would it be ok if you sent her a fake acceptance letter? You could just email her and say she is accepted. Then we'll send her off to work on my brother's dairy farm in the fall. She won't know the difference. She still believes the stork story.
Paul
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
gues wat valerie?!?!??!? my frends n me ar gona tak a roadtip to u next weeek n i will come visit ur ofice so can u do a tour of camus and sho me wher i wil liv?
From: Admissions Office
To: June Snapple
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
June,
I am so sorry, but again, you have already missed the application deadline for this fall. We are not able to admit you as an incoming student. You will not be a student here. Please do not make a trip to visit this school. I have been communicating with your father. Please talk to him before you attempt to come and visit.
Valerie
From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
so i taked to my dad and he said im goin to a cow skool insted so i cant come to ur skool anymore. k? so sorry. can i hav my muney bak now?
From: Admissions Office
To: June Snapple
Subject: Re: Help a gurl out?!
June, that sounds like a great idea. Best of luck to you. You did not pay anything so we don't have any money to return to you. Valerie
From: Prezident Obmama
To: Admissions Office
Subject: let nto skool JUNE!
nevermind i neeed to take bak my ltter of recmendatuns because i just neeed to and i m the prezindt.
From: Tami Spammy
To: Admissions Office
Subject: hI
me 2.
From: Admissions Office
To: Prezident Obmama; Tami Spammy
Subject: Your Letters of Recommendation
Dear Tami and Mr. Prezident,
I am writing to let you know that your letters have been officially retracted. It was an absolute honor to receive them. Thank your for your time.
Valerie
~It Just Gets Stranger
thanx 4 teh laffs, joon!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteThese make me laugh so hard. I have a little sister who is mentally handicapped, and she texts/types almost identical to this. (She's a rockstar, and one of my best friends) I kind of wonder if Valerie thought she was communicating with someone with limited mental capacity, and thats why she is so nice. Talking to my sister through social media or text is the highlight of my day, you almost have to read things out loud to understand it.
ReplyDeleteAwe, I like Valerie answered Tami and Mr. Prezident it such a sweet way and didn't call Tami out as a liar.
ReplyDeleteThat poor Admissions lady! But this is hilarious! If I knew it would never be traced back to me, I'd totally have you mess with someone I work with too because you are, lik, soooooooooooooooooooooooooo gud at it.
ReplyDeleteI love that prezident obmama got involved.
ReplyDeleteValerie deserves some kindness in return! She's awesome!
ReplyDeletePLEASE contact Valerie as Eli and let her know about this blog! I have a feeling she would be a great addition to the Stranger world!
DeleteOh. My. Goodness. THIS! This is why I read this blog. I just went through the whole college application procedure and I can only imagine the admissions staff trying to deal with this. Eli, don't ever change! I'm dying laughing...
ReplyDeleteLove it!!! Valerie is awesome!! I could not have maintained my professional composure like that! My favorite part is when June says she's going to "a cow skool" so she can't go to that school, and Valerie said she thinks that sounds like a great idea. hehehehe
ReplyDeleteOH MY STARS. This is hilarious...Poor Valeri is so patient.
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OH MY GOSH. COW SCHOOL.That sent me over the edge, but not as much as Tammi Spammy.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I was late to work today because I couldn't turn off the video of you telling the bathhouse story. It was 100% worth it and I cackled to myself over it all day long.
You are freakin hilarious. And Valerie is a PRO. Fo realz yo.
ReplyDeleteThis was brilliant! Valerie, whoever you are, wherever you are, you're a real trooper.
ReplyDeletePlease send flowers or chocolates or something sweet to Valerie. She deserves it!
ReplyDeleteNote to self - do not eat oatmeal while reading Eli's blog. I seriously just spat a whole mouthful of oatmeal on my computer screen from laughing so hard. That poor Valerie deserves a medal.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite thing on the internet to date.
ReplyDeleteThat last one from Valerie made my day! Valerie may be one of the nicest people out there. Also, this was positively hilarious, Eli. Thanks for posting :)
ReplyDeleteThis post was amazing, but where's my fourth of July post?! I was expecting to get on here and read "Happy Birthday to the United States of God Bless America" and am now sincerely disappointed. So no pressure or anything Eli, but the day isn't over yet. :)
ReplyDelete"We want the house to not have her in it anymore. Perhaps a donation?" Hilarious!!
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As a recently accepted pharmacy school student at the University of Southern California, I will give you tips and advice on the application process. duke supplement essay
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