Fine. Nonalcoholic black currant juice from the Farmer's Market. But it has a LOT of sugar. Don't tell Bob and Cathie.
And I was trying to decide what to write and then I was like, "you know what, Eli? You haven't done anything from the Lost Journal Series in a long time. Also, your hair looks better than everyone's in the entire world." And I was like, "thank you! But don't insult Paul Simon like that. Nobody's anything is better than Paul Simon's same thing." And I was like, "right. Sorry. Thanks for the correction."
So today I give you several selections from the Lost Journal Series.
I first started this series two years ago and in it I posted, word-for-word, journal entries from my childhood during which I recorded my embarrassing thoughts religiously.
My best friend from way back, Sam, and I will sometimes get together and read my childhood journal out loud. He has commented that you don't really get the full effect of these entries without hearing me read them in the tone in which they were most likely written. So I decided to record a video of myself reading the below entries for you to listen to as you follow along, should you so desire.
October 11, 1994 (10 Years Old)
My dads Birthday is this week. He is so old because is 42 now. I dont no how old granpas are but he is prety much a grandpa cept he doesnt have grandkids but its ok because he probly wil when my sister is leaving high school because she is getting old to. At school we got to see my report card and it has very good grades on it. I played hoky today. Halloween.
October 12, 1994 (10 Years Old)
Today was pitcher day at school. My pitcher was taken perfectly. After school I went and played footbal. Im not very good at sports.
November 4, 1994 (10 Years Old)
Today I went and played with my friend Jared. People are murderd everyday. I know this because the news. There is nothing good about that except that sum peple will say that it is good for the population of the Earth and that is not a good reason to MURDER.
November 6, 1994 (10 Years Old)
Today was Sunday and we went to church. Sometimes I wish that church was only for one minute but it is like 1 milion minutes. But I think that god makes the time go slower so you can be in church for longer and that is NOT EVEN FAIR because why wont he just make the time when I play with my friends longer so that that would be waaaaaaaaay better and then church to be shorter because sometimes its boring I'M JUST SAYING!!! Magic shows are not always real.
November 2, 1994 (10 Years Old)
Next time Jared shows off Im going to give him a dime and say go call someone who cares. Sometimes jared is my best friend but today he is not my best friend and I hope he knows it and maybe he will read this journal HAHA!
~It Just Gets Stranger
Oh my gosh. Yes! Thank you! The video made it so much better! I am crying, I'm laughing so hard!
ReplyDeleteYes. The dramatic reading adds a special element. Will you please narrate my life in that voice?
DeleteLove it! My husband and I just went back and read them all (laughing hysterically the whole time). As much as we loved the descriptions and your audio read-along, we would appreciate if you could find a 10 year old to teach you how to use a scanner and upload the actual pages... that would be the nicest thing you could do for these strangers.
ReplyDeleteThe new best thing on the internets.
ReplyDeleteIt is 1:30 am here in Maryland and I'm trying really hard not to laugh out loud every two seconds because it will wake up my husband HA HA!
ReplyDeleteAlso: did you ever post the video of the Romeo and Juliet spoof? And if not, could you please do so at the first available opportunity? Like now?
ReplyDeleteI will try to find it at Bob and Cathie's house next time I'm there. Figuring out how to post it would be another story.
Deletei think you should read my journal for your next post. You are sooooo good at being dramatic :-)
ReplyDeleteWHAT DO YOU MEAN MAGIC SHOWS AREN'T REAL???
ReplyDeletenote - not ALWAYS real. That leaves plenty of room for SOME magic shows to still be real. I recently saw a show put on by Dana Daniels and Luigi the Psychic Parrot and I don't think his magic tricks were real...
DeleteThere is a PSYCHIC PARROT out in the world and I didn't know about it?! Must. Find. Luigi. STAT.
DeleteHave you seen Paul Simon's hair recently? I'm sorry I have to say it, but it's not good. I'd say your hair is much better. I know, I know, what I'm saying is sacrilege, but I listened to Celia on the way to work on the radio today so I figured I'm all good because that's like saying Hail Mary's in the Catholic church to forgive sins.
ReplyDeleteCeeeeelia, I'm down on my knees...
DeleteHey, I see what you mean!
I find your argument about church very compelling. I'M JUST SAYING!!!!
ReplyDeleteGrammar errors and all, 10 year old you writes exactly like 30 year old you;). And let's just say the "dramatics" have not tapered with age.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about Oct 11th being Halloween. I always celebrate it on the 31st.
ReplyDeleteKebacboleda! Of course I had to go back and reread the ones before. I think a read that word aloud seven or eight times trying to make it make sense. Then I ran it through google translate. [I mean if dilbolehaddipa can mean something, so can Kebacboleda!] If you were wondering, it is Malay for Kebacboleda. [At least me and Google translate think so.] It's definitely more fun reading your journals than mine. I wish I had been as clever as you about the dog thing. Well except we raised dogs to sell for most of my childhood so I really didn't want any more dogs or ponies or cats or goats or chickens or siblings because we had lots of those too, but I'm sure there was something that I really wanted that I could have written on the top of the pages like you did to guilt my parents into getting it for me. I guess it's not entirely too late, I could still write "new couch" on the top of all my journal entries now and see who buys me one first.
ReplyDeleteSuch a deep thinker! It should be a crime that you waited so long to share this! ��
ReplyDeleteToo fun! I wish I had my old journals--I used to write religiously (or...REALLY unreligiously, since it was the 80s and I was a teen, and it was a locked diary), so I had hundreds of pages of journalings of my deepest teen angst. Unfortunately, one year my mom read them (big trouble), then my now-husband read them (more trouble). Then I threw them all in a dumpster. The end.
ReplyDeleteA friend once sent me a series of our letters back and forth while she was in college, which span my age 15-17, and I did keep those, but they are in the bottom of a locked safe, carefully disguised as NOTHING YOU NEED TO SEE CHILD, but what an eye opener about what a self-absorbed, boy-crazy teen from the 80s sounded like.
I have a bunch of journals from the 80s when I was also a self-absorbed, boy-crazy teen. They are very cringe inducing but I can't bring myself to throw them out even though I can't read them anymore. I have them packed away in the deep dark corner. Sometimes I think I had better throw them away so if I die, my children won't be able to find them and read them but then again, if I am already dead I won't be able to die of shame so I guess it doesn't matter...
DeleteInspired, I went to find my old journals, which my mom gave me back last year. They were locked, but I left the keys attached to the journals so I wouldn't lose them. I was a brilliant child.
ReplyDeleteThe closest entry I have is from October 10.
October 10, 1994 (also 10 years old)
Hi This is Lindsay. [Apparently I started every entry this way, just in case someone else was writing in it too?!] Today at school I was the best at math. Miss Hawkins gave me a pece of gum. Then we had P.E. I hate P.E. so much. We had to run around the gym. I stealed popsicle sticks so I didnt have to run a lot. [I remember this - we were supposed to take one stick per trip around the trap, but I would take 2 sometimes so I'd finish earlier.] Also Haloween is coming in a few days and I am going to be a unicorn.
[The End.]
I lacked your flair for the dramatic. Still do, actually! And my hair has never looked that good!
WHY WERE OUR TEN-YEAR-OLD SELVES NOT FRIENDS?!
DeleteMy 10 year old self was super shy and could barely talk to boys, so that might have hampered our friendship. I would have just turned bright red and clammed up every time little Eli said hi! Poor little Lindsay.
DeleteHave you ever seen the movie/documentary Mortified Nation on Netflix (I'm sure it's other places but I feel like assuming that 90% of people have Netflix is pretty accurate)? This would fit in perfectly there. I'm really not kidding, you should probably go contact them about these. If nothing else does, this will make you famous. And then...Paul Simon will come to the readings of your journals. And how could you pass up that possibility?!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Disclaimer: Mortified Nation has some language and questionable content, so be warned. It's still really funny, but who knows who is going to blame me of blasphemy for watching something like that and not warning other people...
Currant juice? Or Up-to-Date juice?
ReplyDeleteOh the things I write when I'm all drunk on . . . nonalcoholic sugary drinks.
DeleteYou haven't changed a bit. Except auto-correct.
ReplyDeleteI think this should be a weekly feature. Preferably on Monday's as a great way to start the week.
ReplyDeleteUmmm...how is it that I have followed this blog for THREE YEARS NOW and I'm just realizing you wear glasses? Hi, I'm Sarah, I'm super oblivious to my surroundings.
ReplyDeleteI only wear them when I want to look sexy. And I rarely want to look sexy.
DeleteI think I am in love with you! Too funny!!
ReplyDelete