Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit?

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

Dentist: You named what "Tami?" The toenail?

Eli: No. The toe. Who names their toenails?

Dentist: Who names their toes?

Eli: Touche. Anyway, do you want to see her?

Dentist: Absolutely not.

Eli: Just as well. She looks bad without hair anyway.

Dentist: Uh . . . so have you had any problems since you were last here?

Eli: I had this weird fainting spell thing and they thought it was my heart but I thought it was bedbugs but DON'T WORRY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE BEDBUGS and now they think my heart is strong, which is good but then it just means that there's something else wrong with me and [in an ominous voice] sometimes not knowing is the worst part.

Dentist: So what do they think it is?

Eli: Ebola.

Dentist: WHAT?!

Eli: Oh I'm kidding. Is it not ok to kid about that? Sometimes I don't know what you can joke about and what you can't. Like this one time I said I was going to slap all the children in the grocery store and all of the moms on the Internet sent me angry emails.

Dentist: So it's not Ebola?

Eli: No. Just anxiety. MAYBE. That's the thing about not knowing. It means that you just don't know.

Dentist: Interesting. So back to my question, have you had any concerns since your last visit?

Eli: I went through a crappy breakup but that was months ago and I'm over it now.

Dentist: You know that I'm trying to ask you about your teeth, right?

Eli: What about them?

Dentist: How are they?

Eli: Oh they're fine, thanks.

Dentist: Sometimes I wish we hadn't answered that first phone call from you one year ago.

~It Just Gets Stranger