How To Win Cats and Influence Felines

If you are reading this it’s because you’ve seen the light. You know that the destiny for you is one full of fur-balls, felines, and Fancy Feast. You’ve asked yourself, “how do I get started? How to I transition into this new and exotic world of mass cat care?”  WELL GOOD NEWS. Because this pamphlet is for you!   

The first thing you should know is that people will try to stop you. They’ll try to stop you from performing a very important function that the rest of society needs you to perform. A noble function. A function for which your malfeasance would cause chaos in the streets.

The haters will tell you that as soon as you adopt those first dozen cats, you have kissed your social life goodbye. They’ll tell you that what little chance you had of getting married and having “real” children has gone out the window.

Don’t listen to these people.

Listen to me. A Diamond-Level cat owner who knows that your social life isn’t about to end. It’s finally going to begin! You’re about to experience parenting for the first time and you’ll never want to go back to life before you had children. Many people want to keep this joy from you.

These people have no idea how fulfilling it is to come home to 30 or 40 or, should you be so lucky, 80 of your babies, all of them waiting for your love and affection. All of them waiting to return your love and affection.

These cats adore you. And don’t you forget it. Whenever anyone calls you a “lonely” cat lady or man, counter in your mind that dozens upon dozens of God’s most majestic creatures stand as evidence to the contrary. Remind yourself that if you ceased to exist, so would the happiness of your feline family and friends.

These people are unfulfilled. All they have are their spouses and children and social obligations and hobbies. None of them have anything that matters. None of them know the joys of impromptu tongue baths, the smell of feline flatulence floating in the fiery furnace of your feminine fragrance, or the sweet sounds of sympathetic hissing that surrounds you in the comforts of your life-filled home.

The first thing you should know if you’re just starting out is that cats are responsibility. Far too many have forgotten this and have effectuated immediate mass adoption and uncontrolled multiplication. Before they know it, cats are being born to mothers the cat owner has yet to even name and buy a birth stone for. And then, these kittens, hungry for attention and . . . food, turn on one another, transforming the cat-owner’s intended feline-safe-haven into a raucous and bloody nightmare. Some owners have failed to survive such a situation.

Ten to twelve cats is plenty for your first year. You will be tempted to get more ambitious than that. I urge you to restrain yourself. Contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to have too many cats in your home when you aren’t used to having any at all.

By that token, you’ll need to be sure to keep them highly monitored and supervised. Maintain strict schedules for self-bathing, education, and structured snuggling. Make sure you provide daily one-on-one time for each of the cats so the “base unit” will be well-adjusted before the second year’s induction of the “tier two” kitty invasion.  One hour each should suffice. Try not to commit more time than this. YOU NEED YOUR SLEEP. Otherwise, where will you get the energy to devote your time and attention to the cats the next day?

Don’t be afraid to decline social invitations during this period. Your cats need you more than the rest of the world does. If the non-felines don’t seem to understand, show them dozens of pictures of your cats. Tell them what each of the cats’ names are. Make sure to personalize the commitment. This will help them grasp the insensitivity of their questions and will keep them from approaching you again.

Get creative with your kitten one-on-one time. And don’t be afraid of variety! What works for Snuggles might be a bad fit for Scruffles. Scoopy may love meditation time, but Crackles needs some direct eye-contact and music lessons. But don’t forget, ALL OF THEM NEED LOTS OF HUGS!

Wear clothes that the cats will adore you in. Adorn yourself in adorable accessories. But make the accessories accessible to your babies. You’re not just dressing for one anymore! No sir, or ma’am. Your life has been handed to the classy cool contours of catatonic cat care. Each worn accessory should double as a toy. Because, whether you like it or not, it will be treated as such. Wear thick comfortable sweaters, and don’t be afraid of a little snig or snag, here or there. Wear the snags proudly, should you ever need to go out into public (to buy milk or cat food). The snags are ornaments of affection, testifying to the world around you that you are loved.

Leggings may be worn as pants. Particularly comfortable are tights with stirrups. 

Don’t worry if non-cat owners are critical of your clothing. What may be au courant in cat-owner society may be foreign elsewhere. The general populace is unfamiliar with our way of life. That doesn’t necessarily make us better than them. But it certainly provides compelling evidence that we might be.

As for your hair. Stop washing it. There is no point in doing so. Your cats won’t care if your hair smells like lavender. And in your house, it won’t smell like lavender for long, anyway. In any event, washing the cat out of your hair sends a message to the felines that you believe you are better than them. Don’t elevate yourself above your peers. Before long, they will begin to reject you.

Take pictures of each of your bundles of joy and share them at all times and in every medium available to you. Create accounts on all social media outlets for the sole purpose of letting the non-felines in your life see adorable pictures of Ruffles and Snicky wearing floor-length ball gowns. But don’t stop there; create profiles for each of your cats. Fill in their personal information with endearing references to their playfulness. Use the word “meow” throughout, as well as all cat-speak terms. Find other cat profiles to befriend.

If the equipment is available, don’t be afraid of the kitty-cam route. Modern technology makes it possible for strangers and friends everywhere to check in on live action shots of Bernard and Jasper looking out the window at a plastic bag stuck in the middle of your Aspen. Don’t hog all of the joy to yourself! SHARE IT. At all times and in all ways.

Finally, should you be so lucky to breathe your last breaths in comforts of your own home, make sure your final resting spot is accessible to your feline friends. They’ll want to pay their last respects to you. And, perhaps, they will seize the opportunity to consume you, allowing you to be a part of them forever.

~It Just Gets Stranger