Emails with a Tickler

Last week one Stranger named Kate sent me the below Craigslist ad:

To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

Are you still looking for someone who enjoys being tickled for cash money? I'm in a pickle. A tickle pickle, if you will. And I need some work. Please respond at your earliest convenience.

June Snapple
Herder of Hogs



To: June Snapple
From: Craigslist Tickler
Subject: ** Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!** 

yes I am


To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

I am so relieved. I used to do this professionally but I was terminated in April for completely absurd reasons (discrimination charges pending) and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get work in this business these days.

What do you need from me? References? A writing sample?

June Snapple
Green Beret, XXI


To: June Snapple
From: Craigslist Tickler
Subject: ** Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

a writing sample is excellent, if you've done videos or anything if you could send me those that would be awesome


To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

Below I include two short writing samples for your consideration:

A Lost Memory, by June Snapple

Cold. She sat frightened. Lost in the shadows of her own self-loathing. Despair. Trinkets all around. Reminders of sympathy never fully expressed. Darlene walked the length of the hallway, retrieving an elixir unlike one she had ever known. And that's when she noticed the man with the hook for a hand swaying melodically to the beat of her pounding heart and the simmering of her marinating passions. He embraced Darlene, like she had never been embraced before. Mostly because of the hook. And then she fell. Down. Down down down into the grave of her decaying mind. He wasn't there. No one was. She was alone. Cold.

TMNTII

The green shells are back at it again in this non-stop epic battle against the shrewd villain Shredder who has discovered the secret of their mutation and the key to their demise! Watch in this award-winning blockbuster production as our heroes face off against their foe under the cunning tutelage of Master Splinter. Will they succeed in preventing Shredder from getting his greedy hands on the ooze with which he plans to grasp a level of power never before known to man?

The first sample is an excerpt from a 600-page romance novel I wrote for children a few years ago. The second is a movie review for my favorite film. I wrote it just for myself.

I don't really have any videos on topic but if it is helpful to you, this is the video I use for my morning workout routine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yhzMHhyPQE.

Thank you for your consideration.

June Snapple
Voted Most Flexible Green Beret


To: June Snapple
From: Craigslist Tickler
Subject: ** Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

thank you can you send some pictures of yourself as well as a summary of your professional tickling experience?


To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

I got into tickling when I was 18. Fresh off the farm and between vocational schools, I skipped town on a whim for the big city with nothing but a slap bracelet and $285,000 cash to call my own. I had big dreams and a bigger heart and nothing was going to stop me from painting Omaha red, white, and blue. Except for my heart. Because it was big. I was on bed rest for the better part of 91 months, biding my time on the transplant list and waiting for my inevitable epic return to the movie business.

But I had to make a living until then and that's when I met Gary. Gary took me in like no one had before. He's really the one who got me started in the tickling business. As you know, unless you can rub shoulders with the right people, it's impossible to meet the even righter people. Well Gary was the right people. He started me off with feathers and fur and before I knew it, I moved right on up to the finger tickling. In a matter of years, I was pushing out such veterans as Gail the Giggles Himpton and Hysteria Heather Boozel. You couldn't hear the word "tickle" anywhere in Omaha between Shakey's and Githropat's Laundromat without my name attached to it. Any dreams I had to get back into the movie business were quickly dismissed, which is why it was so easy for me to turn down my dream job as a ticket taker at Movie's 8 just west of the tracks.

Then things took at turn for the worse. Gary got sick and our relationship soured. Animal control took him from me and condemned my house. (I didn't have any attachment to the other cats so it didn't really matter to me when the rest were hauled off in the trucks, although I do wish they wouldn't have taken my collection of cable knit sweaters--a gesture I believe was entirely malicious--damn cats). After that, I sold out. Went corporate. I slaved away for the benefits. My heart was never really in it. You know how the rest of the story goes. A little fire here And a little yelling there. The accident, the backbiting, then the termination. Now I'm looking for any old gig that will pay the bills. And that's why I am so happy I found you!

June Snapple
Master Chef

To: June Snapple
From: Craigslist Tickler
Subject: ** Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

was that halloween or something? why were you fired? when can you start?


To: Craigslist Tickler
From: June Snapple
Subject: **Seeking ticklish women!! Pays cash!!**

Dear Craigslist Tickler,

Halloween?! More like high school prom! (When I was the principal).

The reasons for my termination are totally ridiculous. I tried filing all sorts of complaints but apparently the leper community is not a protected class. (Thanks, Obama.). Anyway, it looks like one stupid diagnosis and they can kick you out to the street. Because I guess this isn't even American anymore.

What's your address?

June Snapple
New Testament Scholar and Hopscotch


The Craigslist Tickler must have met the Craigslist Killer because I never did hear back from him.

~It Just Gets Stranger