Golfing

There was this big golf tournament with the firm and some clients last summer and I had experienced an excessive amount of anxiety over this because I, Eli Whittlebottom McCann, do not golf.

You guys. First of all. I think golf is the most insanely boring activity that has ever been imagined by the human brain. And this is coming from someone who spent his childhood wandering fabric stores with Cathie.

I do not understand it. I have tried. I really, truly, have tried. But I just do not understand how anyone can engage in this activity by choice and call it "fun."

Every time I express these feelings, Bob is somewhere off in the corner, holding a golf club, one tear silently rolls down his right cheek.

Look, Bob, I wish we could bond over this, too. But I just can't. You have golf and I have laying on the floor after work eating candy until it's time for bed. We don't have to have all of the same hobbies.

Fortunately for Bob, one of his daughters married Andy, an avid golfer, and since then I haven't felt any guilt or pressure to understand the activity.

But when the golf tournament with the firm arrived last year, I was beside myself with worry. I don't know how to golf. I don't know what you're supposed to wear. I don't know any of the rules. The only thing I knew I could successfully do on the golf course is have the best hair.

I had only gone golfing once before and that was with Andy when we were in law school together back in 2010 or so. After 20 minutes, I literally fainted on the golf course and we had to call it a day.

You guys. Golf is so boring THAT I LITERALLY FAINTED THE ONE TIME I TRIED TO PLAY IT.

Rather than make a complete fool out of myself in front of a bunch of mostly old men who play golf 75 times a week and who already intimidate me in every other life context, I made up some excuse about being too busy to attend and I got out of the whole thing.

Many months later there was some other golf tournament. I didn't know about it. I showed up to work one day to a completely dead office. I didn't see another soul until 4:00 in the afternoon. It was very strange and I had no idea where everyone was. Then, someone appeared and explained that they had all been at some tournament and that nobody thought to tell me about it because I didn't go last time and they all figured that I must just hate golf and being with others.

I threw a fit in front of everyone, and indignantly explained that my prior "too busy" excuse had in fact been real and that I very much wanted to golf and shame on them for leaving me out.

It was kind of the perfect situation for me. I got to be the victim and scold people and make them think that I love the same thing they love AND I didn't have to golf.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize how short-sighted my hissy-fit was because they then signed me up for the August golf tournament and had it put on my calendar months in advance.

Well, now that golf tournament is tomorrow and someone is picking me up at my house at 6:45 in the morning WHEN IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO BE OUTSIDE so we can drive up the mountain to some golf course and play all day.

I've decided not to have anxiety over this because I don't know if you've heard but I'm an Ironman now and I think that means I'm officially good at everything so I'll probably be the best one there.

But I made the mistake of mentioning to Bob and Andy this morning that this would be happening.

Bob: Do you need to borrow my clubs?

Eli: Nah. I'll just figure it out when I get there.

Andy: You need to bring clubs. And balls.

Eli: I'll just use the ones on the course.

Bob & Andy: That's not a thing.

Eli: Well if they don't have stuff then I'll just ride around in the cart and not play.

Andy: No. You need to play or no one will think you're fun.

Eli: I think you underestimate how good my conversation and singing skills are.

Andy: I really don't think I'm underestimating you.

Bob: Do you want us to at least give you a few tips so you have some idea what's going on?

Eli: Maybe. Will you guys help me pick out my outfit?

Bob & Andy: No.

Eli: Ok. But if I show up dressed like a total slut and embarrass the family, you'll have only yourselves to blame.

~It Just Gets Stranger