A while back the three most recent Youtube videos of my stories on The Porch were tragically deleted from the Internets. I went to Facebook to ask whether any Strangers out there happened to download these videos (if that was even possible). Stranger David, who shall rule the land with Alanna for all eternity, then emailed me with the audio files of those videos. He and his friends had downloaded the audio to listen in their car on a road trip.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this information, so I just kept it in my inbox for several weeks, hoping for effortless enlightenment.
Then, last weekend, I finally became fed up with my own incompetency, so I read the entire Internet and learned everything possible and I'm basically Lucy from that awful movie wherein Scarlet Johansson is able to use 100% of her brain capacity which obviously means she is an all-knowing immortal being who is everywhere and nowhere at the same time JUST like Catholic God.
What I mean is, I learned how to turn audio files into videos, upload those videos onto Youtube, and share them on Stranger. So now those videos are available on the Video tab.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
As you know, this Saturday we were back on The Porch, wherein Bob and Cathie were made to feel exceptionally uncomfortable because of profanity, vulgarity, and general irreverence. Note: Cathie always calls me after The Porch to inform that my story was the best one and she's not even remotely biased so we HAVE to take her word for it.
Jolyn Metro, that great being of wonder and light, recorded the story, as she always does, and graciously uploaded the video on the Youtubes. Then The Porch's host, Derrick, sent me the audio recording he had. Well, because the venue was a giant warehouse, the audio on Jolyn's video wasn't as good as the audio Derrick recorded from the mic.
SO, I called on the powers of Satan (because technology is his jurisdiction and if you try to go to God first he just gets super annoyed and refers you anyway). I figured out how to download the video from Youtube, the audio from email, and combine and sync them in a program just in time to upload them back to Youtube AND I ate an exceptional amount of candy and played with Mr. Pants while doing so.
And after all of that work, if everyone doesn't watch the below video eleventy times each, then I wasted a lot of time AND I GUESS THIS ISN'T EVEN AMERICA ANYMORE.
P.S. It's Jolyn's birthday. So let's all sing to her and tell her what we like about her. I'll go first: Jolyn, I love that I fear you, and I fear that I love you.
~It Just Gets Stranger
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ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Jolyn.
ReplyDeleteLast night, when I got home from shopping, I noticed my senile neighbor wandering around outside in her pj's, trying to get into her house that she said she got locked out of. So I grabbed the door handle and opened the front door (not locked) and helped her inside. Is hoarding an old people thing? I sat her in a lawn chair in her living room instead of the couch because HOARDING. I called upstairs for her husband buy got no reply. His car was there and she was now getting worried for him. She asked me to go see if he was up there, so I carefully walk into each bedroom, I found him laying on his bed, naked. I stepped back so I couldn't see him and called out his name again. No response. So now I am thinking, he's dead and I am going to be responsible for this senile lady wandering the neighborhood FOREVER. So I step back into his room and shake him a little. He opens his eyes and smiles at me. Who does that? A strange person is in your bedroom while you're sleeping naked, wakes you, and you smile at them? I took the sheet and covered him and explained that I found his wife wandering outside. He started to get up, I went downstairs and told her he would be right down and I left. I told my husband that I am never going grocery shopping again.
Eli and Jolyn's entire future played out in one paragraph. Well done Sue Ellen. You are clearly a prophetess
DeleteLOL...that was funny. The image is now burned into your brain forever.
DeleteYou are a really good story teller! I loved this!
ReplyDeleteLaughing so hard at work and in a cubicle alone. So many strange looks! I don't know what is funniest - the post or Sue Ellen's comment.
ReplyDeleteI second this.
DeleteEverybody now...
ReplyDeleteHAAAAAPPY Happy Birthday Jolyn DEAR! We hope happy days will come to you all year. If I had one wish then it would beeeeeeee...A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you from me!
My apologies to everyone who had to sit next to me in primary when we sang that song.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOLYN!!! You are crazy awesome!
DeleteYOU'VE had a BIRTHday SHOUT HooRAY!
DeleteWe're going to SING to YOU toDAY!
One year OLDER and WISER too!!!
HAAAAAAAPY BIRTHDAY, to YOUU!!
(to be properly sung, you must point at the person vigorously whenever you say YOU)
Happy Birthday Jolyn!
There's an awkward story. Nice job at the Porch.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you can keep trying to make me jealous with all of your so called new "favorite" people, but we all know who you love the most (human being I mean...not dog).
And not all Canadians sound like that. That is an eastern Canadian accent, spoken mostly in Newfoundland. The rest of us sound normal. I don't know how that accent ever got around as how normal Canadians sound. It's not even a French Canadian accent, which sounds sexy (at least when women have it). It's like the redneck version of Canada.
Well that makes sense. This particular Canadian availed from Toronto. And she is my favorite Canadian I've ever met. Even though her stories went on for an eternity.
DeleteWhatever you do, don't call them Newfies.
DeleteBe honest. Your Amazing Assistant actually did all the work, right?
ReplyDeleteBest news I've had all day! I was tremendously sad when I realized that I a) missed the show and b) that I now live in the Midwest and do not have the powers to apparate to The Porch for the performance anyway. Happy Belated Birthday Jolyn! You have my many MANY thanks for recording the show and simply being the amazing person that you are!
ReplyDeleteI love that you have conquered "the internets." (Quick aside: why would my autocorrect assume that "interbet's be any better a word for that sentence?). But this story does make me wonder, how do you always manage to take off your clothes wherever you go? At least you kept your pants on :)
ReplyDelete