Emails With A Polygamist

One Stranger, Sarah, started getting spammed via email by an obnoxious man looking for extra wives. A google search of this guy revealed that he has gone to great lengths across the Internet to find new wives to claim as his property. Sarah gloriously messed with him for a bit and then passed his contact info on to me. Below is the polygamist's (AKA "Genius") email communication with one J. Snapple, in its entirety.

And for the record, while I tend to try to be merely annoying and not mean-spirited in these things, I don't feel bad for crossing the line slightly with this one.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Big Spender!

My friend Sarah contacted me and let me know that you may be in the market for some good ol' fashioned polygamy. I would be interested in negotiations for marrying. Are you guys still looking?

Please get back to me as soon as humanly possible.

J.



To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi

ys i m here to search for polygammy. ys i m intrested. if u r intrsted thn pls infom me. i have my one wife alredy.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I interested?!? Does a duck bathe in olive oil at a nuclear power plant?!

The only things you need to know about me are that I'm tall, thin, I have no opinions of my own about anything, I am very active in the Green Party, and I LOVE animals!!!!!! Like, LOVE LOVE LOVE them. My house is full of them as we speak. Some of them are even alive!

Also, my cat Trixy Meowman will need to come with me. We are a package deal. This is not up for negotiation. Trixy will need her own wing of the house, obviously.

Now I need to know more about you! Don't be shy! Tell me EVERYTHING! Leave nothing out!


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for now i have one wife but this is not enugh and she dos not meet all of the needs. i will like many wife for my polygammy. i am loking to marry soon as posible. cat is fine but wil live outside.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh HELL no, Trixy will not be living outside! I'm going to pretend you never said that. But you will not be warned again.

And you are SERIOUSLY going to have to do better than that!! I'm not going to get involved in this mess until I know what kind of polygamists you guys are. Do you even make your own butter?!

The last polygamous relationship I was involved in did not go well. Let's just say a few people were a liiiiiitle misleading about their sewing skills. So naturally, when they found out that I didn't, in fact, know how to turn curtains into floor-length long-sleeved turtle-neck dresses, I got kicked clean out of the compound. The only thing I could remember how to make from home ec were tube tops and car covers. But for the record, I don't apologize for how sexy I made our daughters look at the barn dance. Hal Garfield ended up taking like 17 of them home with him and the other families were so jealous that it STILL gets talked about at the Walmart in the next town over.

So, tell me, what skills do you bring to the table here?


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i m not making buter. u sew cloth and this wil be good for me. i am hoping that u will marry and there will b others. i have one wife alredy but it is imprtnt to have as many as posible. u wil need to objey orders and do as told but wil have a good life. it dosent mater wat i can do. i m the man and wil give orders.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG! I'm SOOOO happy you said that stuff about obeying orders and doing as I'm told. That is seriously what I'm the very best at. I mean, why else do you think they let me out of prison so early!? Every time they said to jump I was all like, "how high!?" And then one day a wall got bombed out and my cell mate was like, "run!" and I was all "peace, suckas!" And then I started a new life with Trixy and a tube of Chapstick.

Right after prison, I got a job doing infomercials selling that stuff that can seriously take rust off of ANYTHING. And one day while at work I got this thought, "why NOT polygamy?!" And suddenly I realized that I finally came to a conclusion on this that I could live with. Because in life EVERYBODY has to decide at some point whether polygamy is right for them. And for most people it's a really hard decision. But I guess I'm really lucky that it just doesn't seem like a hard decision anymore.


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what is this wit prison. u wil not be in prison? was this for polygamy? u have no more job? i wil be ready for marry if u r ready now.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uh, not so fast, cowboy. I don't mean to be bridezilla or anything, but what about the wedding plans? I was thinking that we could get married in an 18-seater van. JUST HEAR ME OUT ON THIS. It would be really convenient because there is already seating and we could get away quickly if I'm spotted by the feds. NOT THAT I THINK THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR ME. But, you know.

Wedding colors: brown, orange, lylac, indigo, candy red, eggshell white, and hot pink. IMAGINE the bridesmaid dresses. Trixy will look stunning. I hope she doesn't take attention away from the bride!!! LOL!!!

Wedding song: let's say it at the same time. One, two, three, FRIENDS WITH P! Ha, I'm sure you chose the same.

Now, last thing. I need to know that your wife has agreed to this. I'm not going to come all the way out there unless I know that she really wants this.


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it dosent mater wat she wants. she is wife and wil obey with wat i am said. i am ok wit wedding plans.


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great! I can't wait! I've always wanted to be a brother husband! I can't believe you're letting me marry your wife! She is a lucky woman to have you and me as her husbands. How tall are you and how much do you weigh? Do you want to share clothes? Also, I think we should have secrets between the two of us. I'll go first: when I find chewed gum under park benches, I ALWAYS eat it. But only if nobody is looking. OMG I'M SO EMBARRASSED THAT I JUST TOLD YOU THAT! Your turn!


To: J. Snapple
From Genius
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

u wil not mary my wife! wat r u a man? i thot u wre a woman to mary me as my wife! u shud not hve contcted me if u r a man! my wife wil not marry more husband! she wil have only me for mary!


To: Genius
From: J. Snapple
Subject: POLYGAMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You disappoint me, Genius. Trixy and I will find an absurdly oppressive life elsewhere.


To: Genius
From: Trixy Meowman
Subject: iounanoi;al'w/wqer

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~It Just Gets Stranger