My first WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING CD.

The first CD I ever bought was when I was 12 years old. Jon Scoville was the coolest kid my age in the neighborhood. And he is also responsible for teaching me 75% of what I currently know about sex.

NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT THAT IS CATHIE!!!

Truthfully, most of what he told me about sex is not even true.

NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT IS TRUE, CATHIE!!!

I was at his house one Saturday morning after spending a few very unfortunate days camping with the Boy Scouts of America. Then the following exchange happened:

Jon: Do you like the band Bush?

The Lost Journal Series: Part VIII

Today I give you the next part in the dramatic series taken directly from my childhood journals. Again, I include a video of my dramatic reading of the below journal entries. I tried recording this video many times but I kept laughing at a certain part. Finally I just gave up and left the laughing in. Sorry for being so unprofessional.

THIS BLOG'S REPUTATION IS RUINED!

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend. I had a bit of a panic attack this afternoon. I was sitting in my office when suddenly I noticed a brown paper bag on my windowsill. I was certain I didn't put it there. Naturally, I assumed that it had inside of it:

A. A dead rat.

B. A bomb.

C. Poop.

It took me nearly ten minutes to work up the courage to look inside. I swear to you, I thought I had a 50% chance of losing my life over this.

What was in the bag? Bananas. You guys. I need to get some rest. Or start doing drugs. Whichever is easier.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Another gratuitous selfie with Hannah at Lagoon to add to your collection. 

The Lost Journal Series: Part VII

So here I am sitting in my apartment, drinking waaaaay too much NEVER YOU MIND WHAT I'M DRINKING.

Fine. Nonalcoholic black currant juice from the Farmer's Market. But it has a LOT of sugar. Don't tell Bob and Cathie.

And I was trying to decide what to write and then I was like, "you know what, Eli? You haven't done anything from the Lost Journal Series in a long time. Also, your hair looks better than everyone's in the entire world." And I was like, "thank you! But don't insult Paul Simon like that. Nobody's anything is better than Paul Simon's same thing." And I was like, "right. Sorry. Thanks for the correction."

So today I give you several selections from the Lost Journal Series.

Camping

On Friday I went camping. Or should I say, "camping." With finger quotes. Or maybe I should call it something else because I don't want all of my friends to jump down my throat and scream at me again for calling what I did on Friday "camping."

Look. I went into the woods. I sat around a campfire. I roasted marshmallows. I even set up a freaking tent. And when I say "set up a freaking tent" I mean "watched Val set up a tent while I complained that it was hot and that there was nowhere to sit."

No, I did not "stay the night." No, I did not, "sleep in a sleeping bag." No, I don't know why I'm "using quotation marks so much."

"So sue me."

I didn't do any of those things because UNCOMFORTABLE.

College Admissions Emails

Recently I started emailing several college admissions offices as "June Snapple." This one really tried to help a girl out.

I used multiple email accounts under different names, so pay attention to the email headers.


From: June Snapple
To: Admissions Office
Subject: Help a gurl out?!

Hey-o,

Mi name is June Snapple and Im redy for collage pleeese! can you tell me how to get in to collage and tel me lik wher my locker is and wat i need 4 the 1st day?

June Snapple

The Porch: Korean Bathhouse

It's a happy day. We finally got the video from the most recent show at The Porch uploaded on what the kids are calling "the Youtubes." A huge thanks to Jolyn for filming it and Kyle for uploading it. You two are the wind beneath our wings and we love you with every fiber of our beings. Please get together and make babies already so this world can finally know perfection.

Also, it's a sad week for the United States of God Bless America. Jolyn Metro is abandoning our great nation to frolic somewhere in South America for the summer. AND ON OUR COUNTRY'S BIRTHDAY OF ALL TIMES.

I don't remember where she's going. All I know is that she's going to be gone for way too long. Why do all the people who live in my house immediately flee the country?

Cathie

Conversation with Cathie on the Phone

Cathie: Son, how are you?

Eli: Doing fine. How are you?

Cathie: Well not great.

Eli: And why is that?

Cathie: WELL. I happened to read your blog and you made me sound like a monster.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

First of all, I know that none of you have been able to sleep because it's been almost two weeks and I still haven't uploaded the video from The Porch. Jolyn graciously recorded it and Kyle has been working on getting it uploaded but he is having major technical difficulties with what the kids are calling "the youtubes." We hope to get things worked out next week. SO LET'S EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER.

Also, thank you for all the wonderful advice and support this week concerning what I'm trying to make the most dramatic break-up of all time. Also, the multiple comment threads emphatically arguing over my sexual orientation, as always, were very helpful to me in determining how I feel inside.

But I thought I told you already: my heart belongs to Paul Simon. And burritos. And cheesecake. And my own hair. If that makes me gay, THEN SO BE IT.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Yet another selfie with Ms. Hannah at Lagoon.

How to Move On

I could use the collective wisdom of the Strangers today. Because I am turning into a crazy person. And I don't want to turn into a crazy person BECAUSE WHAT IF PAUL SIMON?!

As I may have embarrassingly announced a few days ago, I might have been brutally kicked to the curb last week. Ok. It actually wasn't all that dramatic. The conversation was more like this:

Heartless: I don't want to date anymore.

Eli: BUT WHY?!

Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.

Eli: GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON YOU ARE DUMPING ME!?

Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.