As I may have embarrassingly announced a few days ago, I might have been brutally kicked to the curb last week. Ok. It actually wasn't all that dramatic. The conversation was more like this:
Heartless: I don't want to date anymore.
Eli: BUT WHY?!
Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.
Eli: GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON YOU ARE DUMPING ME!?
Eli: THAT'S NOT A GOOD REASON!
Heartless: Uh. Do you want me to just pretend like I like you?
Eli: YES! Or just actually like me. But don't dump me! That's so mean!
Heartless: I still care about you and want to be friends.
Eli: If you still care about me, then why aren't we dating!? [Raises one eyebrow if he could]
Heartless: Because I don't have feelings for you.
Eli: WHAT?!
Heartless: I'm starting to feel like a broken record.
So then I spent the next several days wallowing in my own self pity and making VERY questionable decisions.
NO I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT I DID!
Fine. I got a tattoo of a Sonny and Cher covering my whole back.
After posting about The Great Dumping of 2014, I got a text from Cathie: "Hilarious blog today. But also, pitiful. And a few bad words. Hopefully you feel better now that you've gotten that out."
Ok, Cathie. First of all, you mock my pain. Second, I know I'm pitiful. Third, "whore" is not a bad word. NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. Fourth, no. I do not feel better.
And that's why I need the collective wisdom of the Strangers. How do you recover from heartache? What is helpful in trying to move past a break up? I never can quite seem to figure out how to make it through these things without doing something drastic like give myself a bowl-cut or write a terrible song and make my friends listen to me sing-cry it.
Please help.
~It Just Gets Stranger
Find a new hobby or go on a vacation to distract yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhoever would dump you is nucking futs, man.
Ps. Posting a video from your latest show at The Porch would probably also help. Just sayin...
ReplyDeleteUm, I would LOVE to see that tattoo...anyone who knows me at all knows that Cher is my favorite. Don't ask me how many of her albums I have on vinyl. Or how many times I've seen her in concert. Or how I found her home address... Honestly though - I tweeted her once when I was dumped and she tweeted me back! It was the most conflicted I've ever felt in my ENTIRE life - I wanted to dance with excitement that she responded to me, but was also a teary-blubbery mess from sobbing into a box of tissues the whole night. Drama. But maybe tweeting her will help you too...
ReplyDeleteP.S. - I love your hair, will you marry me?
DeleteIt'll be okay. You must have faith that somehow, somewhere the pieces will all fall together. In the meantime, appreciate all that you DO have. The person that's right for you is out there somewhere--open your spectrum, cast a glance outside the box.
ReplyDeleteIt'll be okay. You must have faith that somehow, somewhere the pieces will all fall together. In the meantime, appreciate all that you DO have. The person that's right for you is out there somewhere--open your spectrum, cast a glance outside the box.
ReplyDeleteHaving experienced TWO breakups in the past year, one of which involved being told "I was never really attracted to you, but a lot of people thought we'd be good together, so that's why I dated you," and another of which involved being told, "but I love you, let's get married!" I'd say, cling to your friends and family, and get a dog. A dog forces you to get outside at least briefly, multiple times a day. Or join something where people won't let you quit, like CrossFit or another cult. ;) Best of all, find a way to serve someone. Become a Big Brother or join a similar mentorship organization. It's okay to do the ice cream and Taylor Swift thing, but only for so long.. or at least only every now and then. Be sure to make time to actually think and clear your head. And yes, God will give you peace, peace that passes understanding. Forgive your ex, regardless of how justifiable your anger and hurt is, (yes, easier said than done, but oh the relief of getting it done!) and remember that you will be 82,789 times happier with someone who is thrilled to be allowed to love you. Pretending to care for someone is the worst, no matter which side of it you're on.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is jumbled, and might seem trite... moving on is both the hardest and the simplest thing to do. Know that some strangers are praying for you!
So many good ideas in this, but I would say no to the dog - heartbreak is not a good time to make life-changing semi permanent decisions. Frost your tips if you must, but don't adopt a pet unless you can really devote the time to caring for them (they put a crimp in your traveling style).
DeleteI support the Big Brother idea. As long as it is in the "1984" sense.
DeleteYes, YES, Eli, install cameras in her apartment. This is totes OBVI the BEST way to deal with this situation! But seriously though, Anon 7:42 has great advice.
DeleteI absolutely love the 1:03 Anonymous's response.
DeleteMy advice? Keep writing. It's very therapeutic. And if you need to wallow for a few days, do so. Eat ice cream, cry, watch stupid movies, throw something and then pick yourself up and live again. Don't let yourself sink into the pit of despair, though. You're too awesome for that. If I had one, I'd send you the poster of the kitten that says, "Hang in there!"
ReplyDeleteI tend to drink too much, but I don't think you're allowed to get drunk. I would also tell you to move on to someone else, but you don't seem like that type of guy… my life is pretty pathetic.. maybe you should train for another marathon. It would at least be something to do and then you can throw the hot bod in her face!
ReplyDeleteOh god PLEASE, for all that is good and holy, Please do NOT ever get a bowl cut!!!!!! Your hair is WAY too fabulous to destroy!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTime. :-) ::hugs::
ReplyDeleteThis exactly. You just need to let it go and move on. And that usually takes time and forgiveness.
DeleteAgreed. Time! Staying busy, spending time with people who care about you and love you. And LOTS of hugs! :)
DeleteGetting dumped is a loss, like when someone you care about dies. Your relationship with that person has died, and you're allowed to grieve. Feel the feeling. You just got dumped. That sucks. You're allowed to feel sad and crappy about it for a while. Feel sad, and then move forward. Try to find one little good thing in the day. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Maybe that traffic light changed when you needed it to so you won't be late for work, or someone told you that you have beautiful hair (You do by the way. It looks AMAZING!). Just find something small to make you happy, and then find a bit more the next day.
ReplyDeleteAnd if that doesn't help, maybe a
Deletegif of a lizard eating ice cream would?
Writing terrible songs and sing-crying them works just fine I think. I also like to listen to 90's rap. Like Tupac and (early) Eminem and Incubus. The more times it says bad words the better. Scream along to them in the car and then follow it up by watching really violent movies. Whoever said chick flicks and sappy loves songs makes break ups better has obviously never been broken up with.
ReplyDeleteBreakups are awful. Nothing makes you question your value as a human like being told that somebody you like just isn't into you. But here's the thing. It says nothing about who you are as a person. It doesn't say you are not worthwhile or fabulous or a total catch. It just says that a certain person who you spent some time with has decided you're not their 'one'. A little time more and you may have been the one to realize you weren't working out. She just figured it out before you did is all. You are still just as awesome as you always were, your hair looks just as terrific and your special someone is still out there waiting to be found. Probably when you aren't even looking.
ReplyDeleteYou seem like a pretty social guy, so I would definitely suggest you not stay at home alone too much. It's easy to get depressed when left alone with your brooding, negative thoughts for too long. The longer you withdraw from living life, the harder it is to pull back out of it. So fake it if you have to, but go out and be with friends and try to enjoy yourself. Focusing on how bad you feel really never helps. Ask me how I know...
Chin up, Buttercup! All feelings are temporary if you don't work hard to hold onto them. Your normal perky self will resurface soon, I just know it!
This was a wonderful response, I wish you had a public blog!
DeleteAww...thanks!! I've started and abandoned a few over the years. Maybe one day I'll stick with it.
DeleteJust life experience talking on this comment. I've had quite a bit. :-)
Chocolate! And lots of it! And than, when you've gained about 100 pounds because of eating so much chocolate, you have to make some sports. And sport makes you always feel better. Endorphines and all this stuff crazy sportaddicts always talks about. And than you are fit and sexy and feeling really good.
ReplyDeleteWe are the sum of our experiences - your present circumstances will add something to the person your INTENDED needs for you to have. Doesn't help much with your feelings at present, but I believe the Father gives us exactly what we need to be our best in the future...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/339/break-up?act=1 Listen to this. It's one of my favorite things ever. I've listened to it no less than a dozen times.
ReplyDeleteThank you for giving me another reason to love This American Life.
DeleteI also recently went through a break up similar to this. After this guy convinced me that he indeed liked me (I was under the impression it was just a temporary crush) we dated for a couple of weeks and I started to like him back. Then out of the blue he says, "Turns out I don't really like you as much as I thought I did." It was my first real relationship (I'm a bit behind in the dating game) and I was devastated. One of my best friends was in Italy, the other was in a new relationship, and finals were around the corner. With no friends to sit and cry with and the impending doom of failing tests, I didn't really have much time to cry about things. And I think that helped a lot. Just having something else to do. That and time. I can't express how much just having some time between now and the event has helped. We're friends now and are around each other often.
ReplyDeleteJust rub some time in it, Eli. Really, that's the only thing that's going to help. Stay busy and/or with people as much as possible. Throw yourself into a hobby and for the love of all things good and decent, do not contact this person until you're truly ready to just be friends. Otherwise you're just dragging out your heartache.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this makes me laugh just ... all the time.
ReplyDeletehttp://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OQZNrPkoupA/UGB-uIogqGI/AAAAAAAAJ14/bVoJmH5FiZk/s1600/%C3%B1%C3%B1%C3%B1%C3%B1.jpg
HE IS SO UPSET ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THAT WATERMELON, ELI.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/breakupwithcable/15-celebrity-gifs-that-will-help-get-you-through-a-7ttc
ReplyDeleteHonestly, every break up I've gone through has been made better when my dad prays over me and sings hymns to me.
ReplyDeleteTake comfort in the fact that she dumped you because your hair is more fabulous than hers.
ReplyDeleteChicks hate that.
Also, remember if it had been Paul Simon none of this would have happened.
Then, eat an entire half gallon of ice cream and burn her in effigy.
Getting a dog is the WORST SUGGESTION EVER. Getting a dog doesn't force you to go out, it forces you to murder a dog.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna go ahead and guess you're *not* a dog person.
DeleteI think that's a pretty safe guess.
Deletegeesh Amy, why'd you have to go there???
I don't think Amy is not a dog person. I think she's trying to point out that too many people run out and buy animals on a whim and don't think about the choice they're making, then they decide that they don't want the dog and bring the dog to the pound and they end up destroying the dog since no one wants it. I would agree with her, don't get a dog unless you really want one. And don't get one just to "fill a void". Get one because you want one and that you're going to take care of it and love it.
DeleteRunning. Time, forcing yourself not to withdraw from the world, and lots and lots of running. It absolutely improves your mental health.Plus, it then allows you to watch reality tv and eat ice cream without indulging in self-loathing.
ReplyDeleteWait...I thought cheesecake was the answer. Running is all well and good but gives you way too much time to think.
ReplyDeleteSee, though, I have a whole running method when I am upset. And I know from broken hearts. In college, I confessed my true love to a housemate right before graduation, and he not only basically ran away, he ended up dating a much older Indonesian man named Bambang. This is what happens when you go to a pinko liberal arts school in New England. Anyhoo. The thing is to run for at least an hour listening to an audiobook. Perhaps Stephen King, because you can get wrapped up in the story and then all you think about is TERROR plus the pain in your feet. Then you go home feeling vaguely calmer and then you have ice cream. I am thinking of patenting this method.
DeleteE-Slice. Please sell the rights to your story and let Lifetime make this into a movie. Please.
DeleteDude, I will totes write the screenplay with you. Apparently, you're not supposed to blurt out "BUT I LOVE YOU" after a party and then throw up in a bush. WHATEVER.
DeleteOh Dear Lord in Heaven: Eli and E-Slice together writing a screenplay! That is crazytown heaven! I'm in! (too many !s, sorry)
DeleteAs for the breakup: they suck, period. As others have mentioned, what helps is time and finding something resembling being a productive, contributing member of society to do. In other words, don't curl up in a ball on your couch in a cocoon of snotty tissues with a myriad of junk food, at least not for more than a day or two or five. You'll find someone fabulous, but that road is hardly ever smooth and without its share of heartbreaks. After all, it's those life and love lessons that make us more interesting, self aware, sensitive to the needs of others, and all that other crap that people want in a life mate.
Feel better, you're hair is fantastic!
The whole running bit may make TAMI upset or depressed even. (Playing catch up. ;) )
DeleteMaybe if we all tell our worst being-dumped stories you'll see you're in good company? One time, I went on a date with a guy I had been seeing for a couple months, expecting a nice dinner, and instead the guy told me that he had met someone else who he "felt more sexual attraction to" so he wanted to sleep with her and then let me know if he wanted to break up with me. Ummm, what??? Way to make me feel ugly and like a doormat. No, thank you, don't call me again. My worst dump, though, came from the boyfriend I had been dating for almost a year. I thought we were doing fine and blissfully in love. Then he broke the news to me that he had joined the Army, and I quote, "It would be best if you didn't wait for me." Now I'm all for serving our country, but he had graduated college with a degree in international finance and this was totally out of the blue. I still wonder if he went to Afghanistan to get away from me - was I that bad??!
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, it really sucks putting yourself out there, making yourself vulnerable, and then getting knocked off your feet. But eventually you find that one person who likes you as much as you like them, and then you see how it was all worth it! I know it is so cliche, but if I had let getting dumped a few times keep me from trying again, I never would have met my husband. He is freakin' awesome, and I still can't believe he's with me! But until you meet that person, you just have to work on making yourself the best person you can be, so when you do meet, not only is she worthy of you, but you are worthy of her too! Work out, read good books, watch good movies, volunteer somewhere (a cat shelter maybe?), take cooking classes, try making actual art during Art Night, spend lots of time with your friends, and keep writing! Also, if you wanted to post a video of your latest cry-singing, I wouldn't be opposed to that! <3
Ice cream is always the answer. And Tinder.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. Sadly, this has happened to me like 7 times, with the most recent taking place 3 months ago and I am still trying to process it. I believe that few things in life are more painful than being dumped.But I have a plan for break ups. First: Google: " no contact rule for break ups." Follow this rule exactly! Next, you must accept that this is PAINFUL, and devastating, and you have to grieve it. It was a loss and you must grieve. You can't run from feeling sad,broken, hurt, and angry. You have to feel everything properly. So it's o.k. to take a break from your social life. Go to work, and take comfort from friends. Don't put pressure on yourself to go out and meet someone new. That would just be a messy rebound (not worth it). Read books, write, watch tv and movies, run, and just lay low for awhile. Each day, you might feel stronger and stronger. If not, just keep throwing time at it. Be nice to yourself, and try to forgive this person. You can't force love! You don't want to be with someone that's not crazy about you! We all deserve that. Remember, tomorrow is a new day; who knows what (or whom) it could bring!
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry for your heartache, Anon, but I 'bout split my sides reading the unintentionally hilariousness of using Google to find breakup etiquette.
DeleteHoly schnikes!
That's rich coming from someone named awesomesauicness. ;)
DeleteTime. And keep busy. And if you've been wanting to date someone do not do it now, because they will only ever be the rebound. Just wait. Time.
ReplyDeleteYey! That means Disney prince hair is back on the market!!
ReplyDeleteOh good, I thought I was the only one who believed that Eli was talking about Brandt.
DeleteGross. I could never be satisfied with someone who has better hair than me.
DeleteSo I guess this means back to cat meowing Daniel!!!
DeleteSpeaking as someone who's never gotten dumped before I can't give you any advice on this topic...but if you want advice about being forever alone and NEVER having a boyfriend/girlfriend, I'm your gal!
ReplyDeleteI know everyone is suggesting dogs as a new pet, but I suggest a cat(s). Dogs will love you no matter what and that can get old and boring. With cats there is the excitement that they could still reject you (but it's harder for them to get away). It's more thrilling like a real relationship! I would also suggest multiple cats. The more you have the more likely one will really like you.
Hope that helps!
More cats DOES NOT mean that they will team up on you and lock you in the closet. Not at all.
DeleteLove this. Love everything about it.
DeleteIt's okay to be hurt for awhile. I think people often times rush trying to feel better, because people say it's not okay to be sad. But it is, as long as it's not taking over your life and your moving on to the best of your ability. Like a lot of people say, it's all about time.
ReplyDeleteHonestly? Spend 5 days moping and crying. Then, get out and do stuff. Stupid, pointless, you never thought you try it, stuff. You become busy enough that you think about her less. As time goes on, it becomes once an hour, then once a day, then once a week... Until one day, you realize you're over it. You have a moment of sadness because you miss your're grief. Then you get on with life.
ReplyDeleteI am an old married lady, but back in my day when I went through a break-up I would go out and buy a new outfit. Then, I would call all my friends up and have a night out on the town in that new outfit! I'm sure with a new outfit, and that gorgeous head of hair you have, you'll have the gals swarming around you!
ReplyDeleteYou don’t need our advice. You already know what to do…..
ReplyDelete‘Lessons Learned in My Twenties’- Written by my favorite blogger.
“I found out that you never learn from your experiences if you aren't totally honest about what your experiences are.
It's foolish to trust your heart to someone who doesn't seem to care about their own.
It's a waste of time to explain yourself. Because your friends don't need an explanation and the rest don't care to listen.
Everybody is fighting a hard battle and refusing to acknowledge that is a burden to others.
Talent is meaningless without discipline.
You will never regret being kind. Too trusting? Maybe. But not kind.
Honesty is key to mental stability.
It is amazing how far you can get in life by just being dependable.
Immediately forgiving is a habit worth obtaining and it should include choosing to forgive those who never apologized.
Everybody deserves a second chance. But you aren't personally obligated to provide that to all people.
And most importantly, all of the noise in the world cannot undermine this simple truth: selflessness directly correlates with true happiness.”
I am highly underqualified to be giving ‘moving on’ advice, as I fail at it myself, but if I were to, I would just quote more articulate people:
1. Serve someone
“But even more, this view of foreign struggle serves as a much needed reminder that I have some kind of duty to give to the world I live in. I don't always know what that "giving back" is supposed to look like. But knowing that I need to at least a start.” (Id like to take a missionary moment and challenge you to start something, and promise you lots of blessings if you do, and ask you to follow-up and see how it went for you ;))
2. Give it time
“I just wonder if, in situations like this, we would all do well to avoid becoming reactionary. To actually try to see another side. To view all sides with compassion.”
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy
3. As textbook cheesy as this and these all are: Find things to be grateful for.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.” Melody Beattie
4. "Kiss as many people as you can." My Brother
5. And I quote this whole blog post http://stainedglassinthenight.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/how-to-host-a-safe-and-enjoyable-ex-boyfriend-burning-party/. (ex-girlfriend in your case)
I just spent an hour replying to a complete stranger on the topic of cheesy break-up advice. Where I took the time to go back and cut/paste his own words to repin them on this thread. Should I be worried about my day? My life?
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful. Yes. You should be worried about your day. But you are in good company here.
DeleteTime is the only thing that really helps. That and don't wallow. You have some amazing friends. Go out on the town with them, try to have a good time. I always hated the saying, "The right person will come along when the time is right." But, it is true. Who knows? The person you've been looking for may be right in front of you. You have to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and take it one step at a time. My worst break up was a guy who I met at a bar where we went country western dancing (I'm not a drinker, but I loved the dancing.) He was the one who would say all kinds of flowery things like he wanted to marry me, etc. I didn't totally buy into it at first, but slowly I did. I stood by him when his father passed away (he had brain cancer,) and then he was racing and broke his collar bone, and I was by his side that whole time too. A very very good friend of mine was getting married, and he broke up with me an hour and a half before the wedding! I had seen him the night before, and he was a little off, but my friends and I all chalked it up to his being out for the first time since his father passed. Nope, he was being a total douche canoe. I was so broken hearted over this jerk who couldn't have just sucked it up for one night to go with me, then talk to me in person (he broke up with me over the phone after his mom woke him up because he just wasn't going to show up...and he was so nasty about it too.) It still hurt to see him there when he went, but I got my revenge by not letting him see me so upset. I went out, plastered a smile on my face and did my own thing like it didn't affect me. It was hard, I'm not going to lie. There were times where I wanted to lock myself in my room and just cry, but you can't do that. Life is too short to waste on crying over people who aren't meant to be your partners. My grandmother always tells us, "Give yourself 2 days to wallow, then get your butt back out there in the real world." I hope that you feel better soon. Breaking up sucks to begin with, but being the dumpee sucks even more.
ReplyDeleteUse Train's 50 Ways to Say Goodbye as your guide! You didn't get dumped! Among other things, your ex got eaten by a lion, run over by a crappy purple Scion, and drowned in a hot tub!
ReplyDeleteLove that song! And be sure to watch the music video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSBFehvLJDc
DeleteIn my experience (and I have more than I want) I recovered much faster when I completely experienced the pain, sadness, and heartache instead of trying to distract myself or pretend I was fine. I had to go through each emotion and deal with it and then I was done with it. This isn't the best strategy for everyone though, because some people can't "let it go". But no matter how you cope with it, time is the ultimate healer, nothing works better.
ReplyDeleteRub some bacon on it. http://youtu.be/wSReSGe200A
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, cry, eat ice cream, and listen to sad music for a couple of days. Talk to your friends and use them as a support. Serve others. Then go out and have fun, live life and open yourself up for new experiences. Never lose hope and faith that the right person is out there and you will find them.
And remember, we are all pulling for you.
Now I'm going to go eat some bacon.
I'm surprised it wasn't said earlier, but do NOT try to understand why "heartless" is doing what s/he is doing. Its not for you to understand. So much of the heartbreak we feel in situations like these stems from assigning purpose, reason, oreven logic, to someone else's actions. You can only control (and really know) your side of things
ReplyDeleteOnce you honestly assess your role in this new situation life has thrown at you, you've already laid about 90% of the ground work to moving on. The rest, as many have said, is time. Re-learning how to be awesome as a party of one... At least for the time being.
And listen to your amazing stranger friends gush about your ease at awesomeness- it'll help to soothe the sting on your ego: You are a fantastic human being and have a lot to offer someone, someday. Hang in there!
Chocolate cures all. When my marriage went belly up, seems like every year my Mom would tell me this was going to be my best year yet and that as soon as I stopped looking I would find love. Well, it's been 35 years. I've definitely stopped looking and if this is my best year, my life is pitiful. Mom lied.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anything I can say that 50-some people haven't said before me at this point. My favorite was "rub some time in it." That's really what it is. My husband came home one day just over a year ago with divorce papers in his hand and said "I don't want to be married any more." No other reason. In fact he says he still loves me (??) but doesn't want to be married to me. Well, swell.
ReplyDeleteA year ago I didn't think I was going to make it. But I did. I was basically nonfunctional for about two weeks and then started with the "just get through today. You have to work then you can come home and fall apart but you have to get through today." I have always had beliefs but never participated in a lot of organized religion. However, I joined an awesome divorce counselling group at a local church and learned a lot about how to deal with everything I was feeling. Prayer became a good source for me, which was something I had never done before.
By the time I got divorced, I had no outside social life, very few friends to help me process things. By your accounts here, you have an awesome group of friends who can help you. Don't let talking about this be the beginning and end of every conversation but if you need to say something, let your friends listen and help. Gradually it won't be on your mind all the time.
It sucks. It hurts. It claws at your ego a bit. To have someone look right at you and say "no thanks" is yucky. Pull your loved ones around you and let them build you back up to the awesome gentleman you are, then see what's around the corner.
write and send a very angry email about all their shortcomings in the relationship. THEN, wait 4 years before they contact you to reconnect and be friends. Hanging out this weekend, cross your fingers it goes well.
ReplyDeleteI haven't ever really been dumped, but I know my share of heartache. Some of it has been fairly trivial heartache, and some of it has been deep, gut-wrenching, physically debilitating heartache that could knock me out of commission if allowed to continue unchecked. Obviously the catchphrase that "time heals all wounds" applies, but most people don't want to wait around for pain to ebb, they want to be able to do something about it.
ReplyDeleteFor me the most important thing is not something to do, but rather something to make sure not to do. I can't dwell on the pain, focus on the pain, or let it consume me. That path leads to madness (and more pain). Fussing over your wounds--even psychic wounds--won't allow them to heal.
Instead of focusing on my pain, I try to focus my pain on something else. While service is great, I have a hard time worrying about other people when I'm hurting, even if it is the ideal solution. My go-to is music. For me, music allows me to get completely outside of myself. I can immerse myself in others' sorrows and express my sadness or frustration or pain or anger through music for a cathartic effect, or I can try to envelop myself in happiness, lightheartedness, or cheer to banish the demons hanging around.
Remember to trust that God knows what He's doing in your life.
ReplyDeleteThere's the cheesy but pertinent parallel to a tapestry. Right now you may be looking 1/300th of the tapestry, which is the center of a shadow (where you may be in life right now), but soon you might get to see a portion the bright, beautiful sun that cast that shadow (where you'll be a future time), and then, eventually you'll get to see the beautiful and complete tapestry that is your life.
I also like to remind myself that there is opposition in all things. We can't feel the bliss that is a wonderful relationship before we feel the bitterness that is heartbreak.
When I was in the midst of recovering from a breakup I used to remind myself that dating is so crappy because marriage is supposed to be so wonderful. I mean, these (so far) 14 years of dating for you are going to seem so short when you're spending Eternity with a companion that loves, respects, and completes you.
I'd imagine that you'd rather be broken up with someone who wasn't right for you now, then stuck with the wrong person forever.
Another idea is to listen to the mormon channel Enduring it well series. Often when I'm feeling "Why me?" and I hear another's story of how they worked through a trial (related or not) it helps me remember that God is aware of me, my needs, and me strengths. He wouldn't give you this trial if he didn't trust you to handle it and grow from it.
You can listen to the Enduring It Well series here.
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
D&C 121:7-8
God bless on your journey.
You have a lot of thoughts! But, the only way to get over the feelings is to get THROUGH them. Preoccupy your time so you don't become infatuated with "Why me" or "How could this happen", but figure out how to get by them.
ReplyDeleteTwo years ago I was dumped because I was "too religious". It was so hard, especially because it screamed "YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN YOUR RELIGION." Though this isn't your case, I had--and you should--figure out how you feel about this, and what God is saying. For me, God was getting me out of an abusive situation while providing me the knowledge that my faith was strong (but still needed to grow). Ultimately, you have to trust this is in God's plan.
Thoughts to figure out:
-How is this apart of God's plan/what did God teach me through this?
-What did I learn? About: myself, my compatibility with others, my communication skills, etc.
-What do I need to work on? (communication skills, listening skills, etc.)
A good thing to do if you're going to remain friends is to cut off all communication with this person for one month. (or more) Ask your friends and family to not discuss this person in your presence for the set amount of time. It will give you time to go through the motions, and if they refuse to talk with you about them, it will help you get used to being single.
My last piece of advice: Set a deadline for when you have to be done riding the emotions. They're normal, natural, and that's not a bad thing, but they can become a god and you can spend all of your time thinking, "Poor me I suck!" It's not healthy. Whether it be a month from now or a week from now, use the time to think through things, and when the deadline is there, force yourself to be okay with it. It happened. There's nothing more you can do but to carry on with life, and hopefully meet someone much more compatible.
I know this sounds tough and harsh, but when I went through mine, it was the guideline a dear friend set for me (he was a Mormon, actually!). His words were a great blessing to me, and after my four week deadline was up, I was able to get through my life normally. It was hard at times, but if you don't get through those feelings NOW, you never will. You need to get through these emotions for your future spouse.
I'll be praying! <3 I hope you feel better soon.
Here is some perspective, though it's admittedly a little harsh:
ReplyDeleteYou did not love this person.
I'm of the opinion that you can't truly love someone who does not also love you. Love is not a feeling- that feeling when you've only been dating someone casually- that is something else. It's excitement and novelty and hope. It is not love. Love is not exactly what you might imagine it to be. For me, love is about time, and experiences, and a level of comfort you have with another person. It's the willingness to sacrifice yourself, truly, for someone else. It's putting someone else- their needs and hopes and desires, on a platform that sits just above your own needs and hopes and desires. That's not saying their needs are more important than yours- it's more about the recognition of what their needs are and the willingness to acknowledge when their needs are more important in a sort of automatic way. And that goes back to the time and familiarity thing. There are certain things you just KNOW about a person after a certain number of years. You know which of their needs you have to put above your own sometimes. And it's little things like that, in my opinion, that make up love.
All that isn't to say that you don't have a right to feel sad or lonely or any of the things you are feeling now. All your feelings are valid. Breaking up is hard. The point I'm trying to make (you know, eventually), is that I think you are feeling them less for the actual person and more for the things you want that that person represents to you. You've expressed your desire to get married and have children and so you start dating someone and you hope for that and it colors your perception of the person, because you want this to be the right person, you want to fall in love. You want to be loved in return.
Try to remember that. Try to remember that this is a sadness you are feeling because of your desires to move forward in your life. I'm sure she was a lovely lady and so give yourself a little while and feel all your feelings about losing her. But I think you have to take your time and not feel this burden of "will she be THE ONE" hanging over every woman you date.
Also, I hope this didn't come off as harsh, because I certainly don't mean it that way. I just mean that it can be so easy to feel caught up in what you want in the future and try to make what is now become what you want for then.
I just watched a really good talk by Elder Christofferson (it's on LDS.org) about living day by day when things get especially hard. Just make a goal of how to get through today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. "The morrow shall take thoughts for the things of itself." Or maybe you should post on your mommy blog. It always cheers me up when you do that.
ReplyDeleteLast summer I broke off an engagement and, while it wasn't as bad of a breakup as it could have been, it was far from easy. It took me a long time to get my heart back together and I had to remember how to trust. However, I did get better. Mostly, you need to remember two things: 1) You will recover and be stronger than before and grateful for the experience and 2) You kind of have to treat it like a three-month flu. There are going to be days that are really challenging and it's important to tell yourself that you're having a flu day. Also, family and friends are immensely helpful. Anyways. . . I'm sorry. You will get through it :)
ReplyDeleteTry just being a 30 year old man and getting over it.
ReplyDeleteFTW!!!
DeleteMy mom once told me to think "If you can laugh at this 20 years from now, you should laugh at it now." (I know, my mom is evil, isn't she?)
ReplyDeleteCats. Lots and lots of cats. And maybe a snuggie.
ReplyDeleteThe end of a relationship is always tough. Like everyone else has said you just have to give it time. If you are like me, right now you might be over analyzing the failed relationship and because she ended it you might be feeling like you did something wrong. It's not healthy to dwell on the negatives of the situation. It always helps me to look at difficult situations with a positive outlook. Every relationship I have been in helped me to grow and I learned something about myself from each one. Even the ones where I was treated like crap (I learned to have more self confidence in myself and not let anyone treat me like that again). Have faith that it didn't work out for a reason. I look back at relationships I've been in that went South and I feel like I was protected many times from issues I was not aware of at the time. Get out and do something you enjoy with people who love you! :)
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteSo often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.
- John Green
My name is emma brown, i want to use this medium to testify of how i got back my boyfriend after 8months of seperation, I and my boyfriend broke up on the 12th of August because he felt i was cheating on him with a male friend of mine, i tried all i could to explain to him but he paid deaf ears, i was emotionally devastated because i really did love him until i saw a post on the internet about a spell caster, who helps people gain back their lost love, at first i doubted if it was real because i never believed in spells but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this spell caster, he helped me cast a re-union spell and i got back my boyfriend within 48hours (2days). Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problems via email dradelabispelltemple@gmail.com....
ReplyDeleteif you are out there passing through any of
this problems listed below:
1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money
I think emma brown is really Jolyn. Good one, Jolyn!
DeleteI think you should definitely contact ^^^this person's spellcaster^^^ and make it into a blog post :)
ReplyDeletePlease please please do this!!!!
DeleteYES!
DeleteT-I-M-E babycakes! That is the only fix! Your timeline though, not anyone else's.
ReplyDeleteThere were too many comments to read, but I can't be the only one disappointed with this new found discretion! You've always called out Daniel, Brandt, Living-in-Sin Rebecca and Jolyn. Now all of a sudden we're supposed to believe you dated someone named Heartless? I strongly believe the relationship was doomed the second they prohibited you from blogging about them by name.
ReplyDeleteDid this receive more comments than Snuggie Texts?
DeleteOkay trying this comment thing again. Lots of good advice from everyone before me, but I'll add my two cents anyway. I've learned in the past few years (during breakups and general depression and anxiety) that yes, it is important and good to allow yourself to be sad and to mourn the end of a relationship. But moping, movies, buying stuff, and ice cream and chocolate are not going to be helpful at first. They're like band-aids; kind of pointless and in the way on a more serious emotional wound. You do need time to heal, and time will heal you a lot faster if you spend it wisely right now. Do things that not only feel good in the moment, but make you feel good about yourself. I like to go on an adventure, start a big creative project, or learn a new skill that takes a lot of practice. Try new things with friends, and like others have said, service and exercise are wonderful. Cross something off on your bucket list, make new friends and stories. The more productive fun you have, the better you will feel about your life, and the more excited you will feel about the future. These coping mechanisms are way better than the usual stereotypical suggestions because they actually improve the quality of your life rather than just distracting you for an hour or two. And then when you remember what an awesome and gorgeous BAMF you are, and that someone who doesn't want to be with you is the last person you want to be with too, that is the best time to bring out the ice cream and sexy new outfit in celebration! Oh and so help me, if you ruin your beautiful hair with a bowl cut I will kill you and any heathen barber who helps you.
ReplyDeleteFull time, hard core Ironman training. Seems like working out for the half Ironman helped you navigate through some tough stuff earlier. Rinse. Repeat.
ReplyDeleteThis is all I've got: http://mashable.com/2013/11/23/hunger-games-break-up/
ReplyDeleteTwo words: ice cream. Will it fix the problem? no. Will it send you into a sugar induced coma? if you're lucky.
ReplyDeletePlus, I think you should start going on dates with some of your stranger fans. I'm happily married, but from what I've read on here before, you are breaking quite a few hearts around here. People are trying to be supportive, but I think there's secretly a bunch of girls shouting to their computers "Yes! Yes! Yes! Eli's back on the market! Maybe I can run into him at the gym and he will think I'm cute and we can get married!" They are already planning the wedding, too. Just don't date anyone that has an Eli (or Daniel, or Brandt) shrine at their house. Cause creepy. ... But you gotta know, it's out there.
Eli is gay strangers. And I don't mean that in a negative way, more just a "it's so obvious it hurts, how the heck are you people not accepting this!" way. I have a handsome gay brother-in-law who would love to take Eli out on a date if he starts reaching out to strangers.
DeleteNo, Mr. Anonymous 2!! Do not make assumptions strictly because Eli is a man and writes a blog. Just because I really love snuggies does not mean I am gay. No one in their right mind should ever publicly make that kind of assumption about anyone, because on the receiving end, IT REALLY HURTS! That is how life is, people making blins assumptions and hurting other people.
Delete-Anonymous 3
I have been reading this blog for a while now and never commented. You have helped me so much with your words of wisdom that I thought I would attempt to return the favor. I thought a great deal about what advice to give. Many break-up advice clichés came to mind. Then I remembered my favorite quote. It goes something like this, “Everything works out in the end. If it has not worked out, then it is not the end.” Ever since I came across this quote, it has become my mantra. Every time something goes wrong, I remind myself that this simply means it is not the end of my journey.
ReplyDeleteGetting broken up with, in a word, sucks. But it does not mean that it is the end. If I had one piece of advice to offer, it would be to think of this as a beginning. There are still so many new places to explore, new adventures to have, and, most importantly, new people to love. The pain seems real now, and it is, but just remember that your story is just beginning. Being broken up with just means that you have not found the right person yet. The sun will rise tomorrow, the earth will keep spinning, and you will get through this. Just as wound heals or a memory fades, this too will soon become a distant part of your past. I’ve heard it said that there are no such things as mistakes because the mistakes we have made create the person we are today. Just think of this as another stepping-stone to becoming the person you are ultimately meant to be.
I hope that these snippets of advice provided by myself and my fellow strangers help you on your path to recovery.
I can't believe he dumped you, Eli!!! Your Mr. Wonderful is out there, don't give up.
ReplyDeleteBreaking up sucks. I don't have a lot of great advice to help you move on, but I'm here to validate you, sir. I've had some pathetic post-breakup moments. Mostly I just stick to myself so I don't "inflict" myself on other people, but what's usually best for me is to get out and be social (after the ugly-crying lets up, obviously).
ReplyDeleteMaybe try not to listen to the angst-y breakup songs that make you cry...
Go out in nature. Read a good book. Take a walk in the park and interact with people. And when it all starts feeling like too much once again, come home and eat some ice cream.
G'luck, Eli. You'll lick this.
All you need to remember is....twice up the barrel, once down the side!!
ReplyDeleteIn this context, that FINALLY made sense to me!
DeleteHe? Mr. Wonderful? I see a slight problem.
ReplyDeleteActually, no. There is a large problem. There has never been a "He" or "Mr. Wonderful." Sorry, anonymous, but that's not what this is about. It's as simple as that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the same anonymous you are referring too, but, while any reader would clearly know Eli is strictly attracted to members of the opposite gender, I think that same reader would know his thoughts on love and respect to all and not see this comment from the previous anonymous as even a small problem. Love is love. Plus I think Eli takes some small joy out of his ambiguity and references to 3/4 of the world having seen him naked in a variety of abnormal situations. He's clearly very secure in his body and sexuality. I mean, with hair like that, who wouldn't be. :-) it's flawless.
DeleteMy name is emma brown, i want to use this medium to testify of how i got back my boyfriend after 8months of seperation, I and my boyfriend broke up on the 12th of August because he felt i was cheating on him with a male friend of mine, i tried all i could to explain to him but he paid deaf ears, i was emotionally devastated because i really did love him until i saw a post on the internet about a spell caster, who helps people gain back their lost love, at first i doubted if it was real because i never believed in spells but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this spell caster, he helped me cast a re-union spell and i got back my boyfriend within 48hours (2days). Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage problems via email dradelabispelltemple@gmail.com....
ReplyDeleteif you are out there passing through any of
this problems listed below:
1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money
Again, I really think emma brown is Jolyn.
DeleteTake a vacation here to Honolulu. We will play meow that tune till just before I get fired. A note from a lawyer with perfect hair should be just good as a doctor's note, right?
ReplyDeletecall the person that did this… and threaten to send over leotrix and the queen of colors IF they do not change their mind. If that doesn't work say that you wanted to break up first so that you aren't the one that got dumped.
ReplyDelete"When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly." Claire Norris
ReplyDeleteThis quote spoke to me when my marriage of 20 years suddenly and unexpectedly ended. I am learning to fly. Travel, learn that thing that's always been in the back of your mind, love people, and most importantly love yourself.
Escapism is my favorite coping mechanism - so my recommendation is as follows:
ReplyDeleteFirst watch Indian movie Ghajini. A 3 hour movie about a man with a fabulous body (but not better hair than you for sure) who can't remember longer than something like 15 minutes. Murder, intrigue, writing in permanent marker on his body and this scene where he does this flying, jumping legs-around-the-bad-guys-neck strangulation move that is stunning.
Then once you've watched/read a 3 hour movie (Subtitles make it hard to be a lazy TV watcher!), you are ready for Korean Dramas which take about 16 hours to watch, some 24 hours. This is where the true healing begins. Suggestions: Coffee Prince - 17 hours (girl pretends to be guy to work at an all-male-server coffee shop), You're Beautiful - 16 hours (girl planning to be a nun has to pretend to be a boy rockstar to save her brother), Personal Taste - 16 hours (guy pretends to be gay to move into house with girl to win architectural bid), I Can Hear Your Voice - 15 hours (30-something lady lawyer gets help from a 20-something man that can read minds to win cases), My Girl 16 hours (girl signs contract to be fake sister to help guy inherit from dying grandfather) , Lover from another Star - 21 hours (Aliens look Korean and after 500 years in Korea are really, really smart and Korean movie stars eat lots of fried chicken), Sungkyunkwan Scandal 20 hours (lots of guys in hats and robes, best bromance EVER!), Secret Garden 20 hours (body swapping - so many funny things about that). I may be alone in thinking this is a great way to spend the time it takes to heal from a severe or even mild heart-break, but since you've had the Korean Bathhouse experience, you may relate to and/or understand some things a lot better after watching a couple of these.
And seeing someone worse off than you, can sometimes make you feel better about what you've endured. I mean have you fallen in love with the person everyone believes is your sister? Have you gone to your best friend/ roommate's wedding to find out that she is marrying the boyfriend that broke up with you the day before? Have you been in a coma? Did you have your girlfriend wake up from a coma and not remember you? Have you been stuck on Earth for 500 years with no way to return home to your planet? Have you been sent to the store for "feminine products" in the middle of a dinner party? Did your dad gamble everything away, then borrow money from loan sharks, then run away leaving you to handle the loan sharks by yourself? Have you ever had to translate during a business dinner and not get to eat while everyone else did? Have you ever been so desperate for money you broke into someone else's house because you knew it was empty and proceeded to live there, picking the tangerines out of the grove of trees out back and sell them on the side of the road to get back on your feet? Have you had to lie to everyone in order to hide that fact that you are a girl even the guy you really, really like that is super confused because he now thinks he likes guys because he's really starting to like you? Have you ever woken up and found out you traded places with a girl and she's walking around in your body? Have you ever had to kiss your own lips to see if that would make you go back into your own body? Have you ever accidentally tased yourself while turning off the light next to the bed of the person you like to wake up in the morning, to the surprise of both of you, sprawled on top of them? Have you ever in an attempt to keep a plane from leaving your tour group that is still checking in for a flight pretended that a random stranger is actually the lover that just dumped you and is trying to run away but you are desperate to keep them clinging to them even when they are trying to pry your fingers off their leg?
Outrageous, silly, wacky, improbably, and hours and hours of laughing at what you have never had to experience for yourself and hopefully never will. Happy healing!
Oh. My. Gosh. Best advice of all!
DeleteMay I just say- your comment has already begun healing my unbroken heart, which is true talent that you can heal something that is not even broken...yet.. Also, Personal Taste is my very favorite. The end.
DeleteWhat were her concerns... She may not have shared them with you. But regardless, she would not have broken up with you if she was not experiencing terrible inner turmoil and agonizing stress concerning your relationship, but only if you were seriously dating. If you were casually spending time together and not openly communicating and being vulnerable, than you weren't invested in the relationship and good for her for exiting...sorry, but it's true. So my words of unsolicited advice (as you most likely will, however little you may desire to at this point, date again)? Be as open and vulnerable as possible, *from the beginning*. Girls respect, honor, and are greatly flattered by this. To a sought after girl, this is a sign of strength and will melt her without fail and help her be kind, regardless of the outcome. Then if/when either of you have major concerns, laying this groundwork of good communication, which builds trust and solidifies honesty, will help both of you feel confident enough to ask the tough questions that need to be asked, as early on as possible, to either work through your collective concerns/priorities/differences or to weigh them to see if you truly want the relationship to continue. It's your choice to be dating just as much as hers. Be the leader and be in control of your density---I mean destiny! That is, unless a perpetual friend-based condition is okay with you.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Illuminati brotherhood occult where you can become rich famous and popular and your life story we be change totally my name is MR.WILLIAM SMITH I am here to share my testimony on how I join the great Illuminati brotherhood and my life story was change immediately. I was very poor no job and I have no money to even feed and take care of my family I was confuse in life I don’t know what to do I try all my possible best to get money but no one work out for me each day I share tears, I was just looking out my family no money to take care of them until one day I decided to join the great Illuminati occult, I come across them in the internet I never believe I said let me try I email them at altimateilluminatitemple0066@gmail.com all what they said will happen in my life just started. it was like a dream to me they really change my story totally, through the Illuminati I was able to become rich, and have many industry on my own and become famous and popular in my country , today me and my family is living happily and I am the most happiest man here is the opportunity for you to join the Illuminati occult and become rich and famous in life and be like other people and your life we be change totally.If you are interested in joining the great brotherhood Illuminati occult.then contact LORD ROBESON for help and initiation,contact him on his Facebook. altimate illuminati temple or his email: altimateilluminatitemple0066@gmail.com.
ReplyDelete