Friend: Eli. Thank you for finally letting me in to your apartment.
Eli: Thanks for pretending to be Paul Simon so I would.
Friend: I'm here to have an intervention with you.
Eli: Why do I have the feeling you're about to confront me about something?
Friend: Probably because I just said "I'm here to have an intervention with you."
Eli: Oh. Right.
Friend: Your friends are worried about you. We know you're very sad right now but--
Eli: Wait. How do my friends know I'm very sad right now? [raises eyebrows suspiciously]
Friend: Because of the series of mass texts.
Eli: Which series of mass texts?
Friend: Let's see. [Pulls out phone]. There's this first one that says, "what's the point in living!? I might as well die!"
Eli: Hmmm. Can you be more specific?
Friend: Then this one that says, "No. The relationship is NOT going well. I got DUMPED!!! Thanks for asking!"
Eli: Oh.
Friend: Then there were ten or so messages of just frowny face emoticons.
Eli: I think I know which messages you're referring to now.
Friend: Then the several crying selfies from the bathtub. With candles.
Eli: Oh yeah. It's hard to take steady selfies when you're crying.
Friend: And what was going on in this one?
Eli: I think I meant to send that to someone else.
Friend: Who?
Eli: Also, it was so hard to find the right lamp lighting for those pictures.
Friend: Also, it appears that there is no water in the bathtub in these pictures. You're not even taking a bath. You're just sitting in an empty bathtub naked and crying.
Eli: Right. I had already showered and I didn't want to get wet again. Also, baths are gross and depressing.
Friend: You didn't want to get wet again and yet you took the effort to set out and light candles.
Eli: I'm high maintenance. Not lazy.
Friend: Look. Bath or no bath, I'm here to help you get through this. We don't want to see any more crying bath selfies from you. They make us sad.
Eli: Oh. That's really nice. I have good friends.
Friend: Not really. We're sad that we're friends with someone who thinks it's ok to text crying bath selfies.
Eli: Oh. Right.
Friend: So it's time to stop mourning and start living. First thing we're going to do is take that bucket of ice cream away and turn off the TV.
Eli: HOW DARE YOU!? TV AND ICE CREAM HAVE BEEN LIKE A FATHER TO ME!!!
Friend: That's why we're going to take them away.
Eli: But they're the only things in my life that aren't rejecting me.
Friend: That is not at all true. You are way overreacting. You are handling this whole thing terribly.
Eli: That's not fair. I've actually been quite calm. And I haven't done any of the cliche "just got dumped" things.
Friend: Really? I could hear Taylor Swift playing from outside. Why, Eli? Why Taylor Swift?
Eli: BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND MY CELINE DION ALBUM, OK?!
Friend: Also, what is that very disturbing thing on the coffee table?
Eli: NOTHING! [Eli quickly crumbles up a collage with various head shots glued over the faces in magazine pictures of families.]
Friend: You can move on from this. Everyone gets dumped.
Eli: Even people with hair like mine?!
Friend: . . . even people with hair like yours.
Eli: So you're saying everything is going to be ok?
Friend: I am. And look. Maybe this break up won't even be permanent. You never know--
Eli: Oh, no. It's for sure permanent.
Friend: How do you know?
Eli: Because after it was over I checked the Internet for "what not to say when you're getting dumped" and I found a list and I said pretty much all of the things on the list when I was getting dumped.
Friend: The Internet has a list of what not to say while getting dumped? So you have to, like, preemptively check that list in case you get dumped in order for it to be valuable?
Eli: Apparently you're not supposed to say stuff like "GO TO HELL YOU STUPID WHORE" etc.
Friend: Uh . . .
Eli: Also, threatening to burn someone's house down isn't specifically listed, but I think the spirit of the statement was prohibited on said list.
Friend: Oh dear.
Eli: Other things you shouldn't say: "But I love you LET'S GET MARRIED!" "I hope I don't accidentally tell all of your secrets to everyone now that we're not together anymore." Or, "But I'm pregnant with your child" and then hurry and get pregnant with someone's child.
Friend: Wait. What? You . . . said these things?
Eli: They're examples. I'm just giving you examples of things that I read you're not supposed to say while getting dumped.
Friend: Ok. I think it's probably good that you read that list so that you won't do those things next time.
Eli: THERE'S GOING TO BE A NEXT TIME?!
~It Just Gets Stranger
Is this still about Jolyn moving out? And is the mystery friend Daniel, it sounds a lot like Daniel.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same thing.
DeleteIt's ok, Eli, get allll the crazy out! Getting dumped sucks, and if naked crying bathtub selfies are the worst thing you've done, you're fiiiine. In fact, your friends should be thankful for your selfies because your hair looks so good in them! Listening to Taylor Swift and eating ice cream seems like a pretty good night to me, so I don't see a problem there. Anyhoo, I'm really sorry that you got dumped. :-( Sending you lots of internet stranger hugs and a reminder that something even better is waiting for you out there somewhere!
ReplyDeleteIt's not the worst thing Eli has ever done. You need to check out all the times he has ended up naked and virtually crying in public ;-)
DeleteI feel like there is going to be some decent outrage in these comments about the fact that you hid this mystery person and the relationship you had with them from the thousands of strangers that stalk your life. And probably a lot of outrage from the girls that read your blog and want to marry you.
ReplyDeleteAnd guys.
DeleteAnd guys indeed.
DeleteWait. You got dumped? By who? I am so confused. Don't be oblique, Eli. I can't handle oblique. We just saw, like, eight billion shots of you in a dimly lit bathtub. Now is not the time to be coy. INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW. Now I won't be able to concentrate at work and then I will get fired and then I will lose my house and I HAVE A CHILD YOU KNOW. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN, ELI. TELL US WHO THIS IS. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!
ReplyDeleteYou can't really take crying bath selfies with water in the tub because what if you dropped the phone in the water with all your crying and trembling? Disaster!
ReplyDeleteWord. Plus there's the whole risk of getting my hair wet.
DeleteWhoa whoa whoa!! You mean to tell me that you've kept private things about your life, to yourself instead of sharing it with the thousands of strangers that love to live vicariously through your posts?!? Not cool Eli!! Im feeling a little left out now :( Either way, I'm really sorry you're going through a break up. They are really tough, but if you can learn and grow from it eventually it makes this time of struggle worth it. Personally, I think she made a big mistake, you're quite the catch. How could someone turn down a guy with amazing hair such as yourself? You'll find the right girl, it just takes time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Eli! Getting dumped is awful. Never give up your ice cream! Now, you had a whole relationship that you didn't tell us about?? I'm very impressed at your secret keeping abilities given the intimate details about how often you get naked that you usually share with us. I feel like this is a sign of maturity. Good for you! Now you've proven you can accomplish keeping things to yourself, you never have to do it again, m'kay?
ReplyDeletecompletely un related to your post Eli…
ReplyDeleteI was walking yesterday in a park with my man and I saw off in the distance two boys with black pants and white button downs. The first reaction I had was complete fear of an awkward encounter with two STRANGERS!!! (I was a, go to church three times a week, SOUTHERN BAPTIST!!…. who went on to teach Sunday school through my twenties and now a agnostic) They were walking right at us and it would have been really obvious if we bolted in any direction. I asked myself WWED ?!??!?! Obviously I could have lied and said I was Mormon and given the secret handshake, but that would have been a LIE.
Then it hit me. I am a shameless self promoter and I currently am the hairstylist to one living great great grandsons of Brigham Young. You should have seen these boys when I told them of my connection to the Mormon faith. Their eyes lit up like christmas trees and we got to talk about hair for five minutes instead of eternal damnation because of my loss of faith.
I ended up given them high fives for great hair talk and walked away feeling great. I didn't have to lie or fake diarrhea to get out of talking to hard working boys on a Sunday afternoon.
I love this!
DeleteI hope the E stands for "elephants" in your WWED.
DeleteYup, I think that's it: "What Would Elephants Do?", I mean, that's what I always ask myself.
DeleteThis is the funniest sad post I've ever read. I don't even know which emotion to feel right now.
ReplyDeleteOk. That last picture almost made me fall out of my chair.
ReplyDeleteWait. Those are the things you are NOT supposed to say? Oops.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible that she saw those pics of you before said dumping??
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, I'd totally do you. Even after seeing those bathtub pics. Her loss.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.
DeleteDid your cat leave?
ReplyDeleteWhat flavor of ice cream? Different flavors have different levels of effectiveness, you know.
ReplyDeleteEli. Your chest looks amazing in those pictures. I think you have bigger boobs than me.
ReplyDeleteI think that you handled it very well. Everyone else is just being underly (underly?) dramatic.
ReplyDeleteHave I missed the part of this story wherein Eli had a relationship with someone?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! I was on fb contemplating stuff. You know, how some ppl seem to live life to the fullest, how when kids finally aren't kids anymore something about the look in their eyes changes, but mostly how disconnected I feel from the rest of the world. You reminded me that sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves. Probably most of the time in my case. Have a great day!
ReplyDelete