First, an announcement. I'M PREGNANT.
How many more times can I keep making that joke? The problem with humor blogging is that I make all kinds of jokes and I never have any idea whether you think a particular joke is funny because I can't tell if you're laughing. So I say "twice up the barrel, once down the side" eleventy times in every post and I imagine you bent over laughing. But for all I know forty of you stop reading every time I write that phrase because you're so annoyed that I'm using it and because you don't think it means anything. Even though I've already told you that it means "twice up the barrel, once down the side."
Anyway, if for no other reason, I should stop making the pregnancy joke because what if one day I actually do become pregnant and then I'm really excited to tell you and none of you believe me? Then who would throw me a baby shower and slap my child at the grocery store?
I actually do have a real announcement for the twelve of you who are still reading. And that announcement is this: for reasons I'll never understand and despite our raucous behavior on prior occasions (I'm looking at you, Cathie), The Porch has welcomed us back.
I will be telling a story in Provo on The Porch next week on Thursday, October 10. The show starts at 8:30 PM at Muse Music. You can get tickets online now.
In the past, tickets have sold out before the night of the show so if you really plan on coming, I suggest getting your tickets soon. I'm looking forward to seeing you. And I promise not to talk as much about poop this time. Unless you like that, in which case I promise to talk exclusively about poop this time. But I'll do it cryptically so the people who don't want to hear about poop won't feel like I'm talking about poop. We'll have a code. Every time I use the word "once" in the story, I actually mean "poop."
I am so good at pleasing everybody all at once.
I know I started this post with the word "first" as though there was going to be a second and maybe even a third. But I don't really have the stamina for a second and definitely not for a third. So I'll cut it off here.
Twice up the barrel, once down the pregnancy.
~It Just Gets Stranger
But October 7th is a Monday... so is Monday, or Thursday?
ReplyDeleteUgh. I meant the 10th. Thanks for catching that. It's now fixed.
DeleteThat comment completely confused me - I spent 10 minutes trying to find a reference to the 7th in your post before reading your reply to the comment . . . .
DeleteI've been following your blog and occasionally sending you cat sweaters and emails for two years now. Stranger was a part of my entire grad school career! So obviously, your sense of humor doesn't scare me away. Totes proud to be in the remaining 12 readers.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry I thought we had a mutual understanding that we could freely slap each other's kids, my current ones and your future ones. I resent your lack of faith in a written agreement.
ReplyDeleteI swear to you I almost made a comment in the post about how I was counting on you slapping my children. But then I thought people wouldn't know what I was talking about.
Deletesure sure sure.....
DeleteI thought this was going to be our little secret. But I guess I did tell the children so its only fair you tell thousands of strangers.
ReplyDeleteChildren, huh?
DeleteShocking, I know. There are many thing about their father that I still admire, but he is completely irresponsible when it comes to his illegitimate cat babies.
DeleteMeow!
DeleteTwice up the barrel, POOP down the pregnancy?? That can't be sanitary, Eli.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet mother of pearl... I adore you!! I think you need to come to NY asap!!
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at the "slap my child at the grocery store" comment.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could come to Provo on the 10th- it's my birthday so that would be triple AWESOME, but it's a school night and I live far enough away that I'd better not... it sucks being a grownup.
12th!!!!
ReplyDeletedammit, I WAS 12th, until that stupid "type in these unreadable letters and numbers to prove you aren't a robot" thing slapped me along side the head, 3 times.....oh well....Anyhoo.....congratulations on the baby!!!
ReplyDelete;-P
I feel like there should be an easier way to prove I'm not a robot because I fail that test regularly. Wait--does that mean...? ARE WE ROBOTS???
DeleteNow we know how Skynet became self aware.
DeleteI would get rid of that thing entirely but every time I do I suddenly get 40 comments a day from people in India who want to have my babies. Unfortunately I don't know of any reasonable alternative to the robot verification.
DeleteBut the comments from people in the US, or at least a semi-English speaking country, who want to have your, or your roommate's children don't bother you at all??????
DeleteSay whattt. This is LEGIT. This is like... being able to meet a celebrity.
ReplyDeletetwice up the barrel, poop down the side? Twice up the barrel, poop down the pregnancy? I mean I HAVE heard that women DO poop whilst pushing that fetus out of their birth canal and into the Dr's hands but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss that I thought. Meh. I've come to expect anything from you.
ReplyDeleteI'm only driving to Provo if I know for sure that Trixy will be there.
ReplyDeleteTrixy is always in our hearts. There's a good chance Kurt will be there both in our hearts and in person. And I'll try not to bring Leotrix, Lohan, or my new ringworm, Axel.
DeleteDid you say Kurt??? I'm on my way!
DeleteI think at least half the people attending that day will do so to see Kurt. It'll be a huge disappointment if he isn't there. I am personally bringing my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff to hopefully play with him.
Delete^This cracks me up almost as much as the blog post itself! Thank you Anonymous.
DeleteIt is a scientific fact that a post gets 12.7% funnier with each "Twice up the barrel, once down the side" reference.
ReplyDeleteBahahahahahahaha You're so funny! I totally thought you really WERE pregnant for a minute there, but then you're all "just kidding" and oh my gosh that was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI think I've had too much sugar today...
Anyway, wish I could go. When you take that show on the road, be sure to stop in California.
Are you going to post a video on YouTube of your story telling at The Porch in Provo so the strangers who live in another state may watch said hilarity regarding poop?
ReplyDelete