Before "recently," I would have included in the list of things that I'm good at, "usually smelling fine." But then that multitude of people stepped in to clarify.
Here are some quotes from people on the topic:
"Son. Most mothers don't care how their children smell. But I think I like you less than I could because of the odor that follows you around." Cathie
"Sir, perhaps you would be more comfortable at the Chuck-a-Rama." Man at a restaurant that wasn't even that nice
"What's that smell?" A number of individuals on the street at various times
"Your hair looks great today." Most People Every Day
etc.
After verifying with trustworthy sources, I had to finally accept that this was a problem. And that's when I asked Jolyn what I should do about it.
Jolyn: There are three things I would really like to see you incorporate into your life.
Eli: I'm listening.
Jolyn: Showering daily.
Eli: Ok. But what if--
Jolyn: No. There isn't a "what if" on this one. That's it. Shower daily.
Eli: Even when--
Jolyn: NUMBER TWO. Wear cologne every day.
Eli: Hahahahaha. I'M NOT GOING VISIT THE QUEEN, JOLYN.
Jolyn: Eli, you can wear cologne even if you're not "going to visit the queen."
Eli: Fine. What's the third thing. And if it has to do with washing my clothes, I don't want to hear it.
Jolyn: Ugh. I just have two things then.
Jolyn and I then dance-walked from my apartment to the nearest store that sells this "cologne" substance. When we got there, I was immediately drawn to one option. I was then removed from the selection-process because "THIS ONE JUST SMELLS LIKE SOAP!"
Jolyn picked one out and we dance-walked back home for a tutorial on how to wear cologne.
This morning I was walking to the office at about 6:00AM. A man who was about FORTY feet behind me yelled, "YOUR COLOGNE SMELLS GOOD!"
I was on cloud nine.
I yelled back, "you should see me perform the Heimlich maneuver!"
~It Just Gets Stranger
Hah! It's awesome when guys wear cologne... but if someone 40 ft away could smell it, perhaps Jolyn has some more work to do in showing you how much to use ;)
ReplyDeleteJulie, you are kind...and right!
DeleteWhy don't you like to shower? I knew a kid in eighth grade who told me he was too nervous to shower. Is that what's happening here, or are you lazy? Or do you have a strange phobia involving, like, Irish Spring? Does it interfere with your rock'n'roll lifestyle? Tell your readers, man.
ReplyDeleteWell, he certainly has no problem getting naked in front of strangers. Just add some soap and water, Eli!
DeleteJust be careful how much you wear. A lot of people, me included, have a reaction to smells (not sure if it's allergic reaction or if my sense of smell is just heightened to Wolverine's level or what). Especially people who wear Axe. That is the most vile smelling evil cologne on the planet Earth. I'm not sure why men wear this (I sure don't) because I've asked a lot of women and most said they hate it. So I don't know if these guys are trying to repel women or what. But it's an evil smell.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think it's so much cologne people need, as a good arm deodorant or antiperspirant (even though they're not the most healthiest of things to put on). The armpit smell is usually the area that reeks the most when you smell someone's body odor.
I totally agree with you. I've been saying for a decade that Axe smells like Raid ant killer.
DeleteMy little brother is 7 years younger than me. When I was in college, he came to visit me and stayed with myself and my roommates at our townhouse. He was at that Axe stage of early-teenhood at the time. In the main bathroom there was a closet, but we rarely if ever actually used it. He returned to Michigan and several weeks passed when one day I hear my roommate yelling from the bathroom "It smells like 14 year-old boy!" It turns out that that was the first time the closet had been opened since his visit and while he was far away, the scent of his Axe had remained, trapped inside our closet.
DeleteSmell is very powerful. When I met the man who would become my Mr., he was wearing cologne. To this day, whenever I smell that particular cologne I am transported back 27 years to that very first time I talked to him in our Statistics class. So be a responsible cologne wearer, Eli, you never know what you might start!
ReplyDeleteI can guarantee you don't smell THAT bad... a co-worker of mine must have something wrong with her bc her wretched stench can't be beaten. I smell it all day, every day - I don't know if it's some health problem causing it, but it's awful. I've gagged in front of her on multiple occasions. I doubt you induce gagging. Just saying. If you do, you should see a doctor.
ReplyDeleteDance walking is a new thing now, thanks Eli.
ReplyDeleteDance walking has always been a thing for me :)
DeleteJolyn, the world thanks you.
ReplyDeleteEverytime I've been around you, you've smelled lovely. I'd like to bottle THAT up and cologne myself with Eli every day. So take that Ms. Jolyn the hater.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to bottle up the smell of decomposing corpses mixed with raw sewage, be my guest.
Delete^ wow! Bah ha ha
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI also hate showering. Not because I don't like it once I get in - it's actually painful for the first few seconds when the hot water hits. Once past that, it's quite nice. I think some people just hate that shock.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I hate cologne with a passion. I agree with Anonymous gagging, but it's on cologne. I can't smell body odor (except that one TA in college physics - the one who wore the same shirt all semester long - the one that started out white and ended up a dingy tan) but cologne causes me to hyperventilate. Anyone else hold their breath as they race into the department store, only to breathe AFTER you pass the awful perfume section? Do I hear an Amen?!
Try turning on the shower for about 20 seconds before you step in.
DeleteOhhhh, you've been "the stinky kid" your entire life and haven't even known it until you're well into adulthood? I'm glad Jolyn stepped forward to help you out. Cologne is great. But less is more :)
ReplyDeleteIt's good you're learning this now before you're married, cause it's hard teaching a married dog "single" tricks. One of the first presents I ever gave my husband was cologne and boy am I glad...when he uses it. I basically had to tell him, "I love you, but if you want to cuddle, you have to smell good. And that means SHOWERING after you play ball, and wearing cologne always."
ReplyDelete"Because I don't make monkeys. I just train 'em!" ahhh Pee Wee...
ReplyDeleteSniff sniff... Meow.
ReplyDeleteSo what cologne did you go with?
ReplyDeleteThis will likely detract from your ability to stalk to contribute to your being stalked.
ReplyDeleteIf a guy 40 feet away can smell your cologne, you might be wearing too much.
ReplyDeleteTry to focus on the positive. Any day could be the day you meet Paul Simon and now you'll be showered and lightly cologned. Yay Jolyn! Really good friends tell you when you stink, or when you chew with your mouth open, or when it makes them wanna gag because you blow your nose in you napkin.
ReplyDelete^^^see? Jolyn was only being a kind and caring friend.... She put her own spin on it, of course ;-)
DeleteEli, your hair looks FANTASTIC today, but if you smell so bad that Jo needs to be the one to step up and REQUIRE you to bathe daily, then MAN, do you STINK! I am blessed with only needing to shower every-other-day because I barely EVER sweat, but when I do, my olfactory sensors tell me... and I jump right in there. Which leads me to cologne. 40 feet away is too much scent. I'm "scent-sitive" and avoid perfumeries and craft shops and candle shops and EVERY ever-lovin' Bath and Body Works (TM) on the planet because I end up congested after the experience, but I do love it when folks smell good. So if you'd apply just A LITTLE cologne, and BATHE daily, and yes, WASH YOUR CLOTHES, then we can be friends. You're old enough to not repel Strangers anymore. Stop repelling us. Let's go rapelling. And then, we'll each bathe (separately) and wash our clothes (SEPARATELY) and put on a LITTLE cologne and hang out with Jolyn! :) Jolyn FTW, btw.
ReplyDeleteJust follow the cologne-applying advice from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, "Spray, delay and walk away." When would Queer Eye ever lead you astray? Never.
ReplyDeleteI too hate to shower. I'm just lazy I guess. and I feel that it takes up entirely to much of my precious time. Plus I never leave the house, my life revolves around this blog and I can't leave the house and miss a post. so really what's the point of showering anyway? am I right?
ReplyDeleteon an unrelated matter, I really hate that I have to prove I'm not a robot every time I post. I mean I'm not one ( that I know of) but I still can't read those captcha's, it takes me atleast 3 attempts to get one right. :-( do you think I should start wearing my glass more often?
ReplyDeleteEli, Your hair looks great today!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in middle school I had a weird hatred of showering. I refused to do it and when my mom would make me, I would turn on the water and jump in and jump right back out and leave the water running to make it seem like I was showering. Then one day, I found a bar of deodorant in my gym locker at school. I'm fairly certain somebody put it there to tell me that I smelled. I was mortified.
ReplyDeleteEver since then, I have showered regularly.