Haircut. FOR WHICH I DID NOT GET NAKED.

I went back to that place where I had the infamous body scrub recently.

I know. What the crap, Eli. How could you go back to a place where you had humiliated yourself that much?

Guys. I have a lot of practice. I went back to high school every day for 4 years.

I needed a haircut and the Daniel School of Hair has burned me way too many times so I've resorted to leaving the house again for my trims.

Side note: One of the first times I visited the Daniel School of Hair was in Salt Lake City last year. The next day my friend Isabel asked me if part of my head had caught fire and if I tried to put it out with a lawn mower. If Daniel tells you he knows how to cut hair and offers to prove it on your head, RUN AWAY!

Unfortunately for me and my reputation for making good choices, I allowed him to give me somewhere around 15 haircuts before I finally drew the line. I seriously thought he would just get better at it.

He did not.

Anyway, the body scrub place is close to home and they cut hair and I thought, well I've already embarrassed myself there. No sense in breaking in a new place!

As I was leaving for my appointment Daniel looked at me very seriously and said, "Now Eli. Just to make sure we're clear. Under no circumstances should you have to get naked during this haircut."

Eli: But what if--

Daniel: Nope.

Eli: But--

Daniel: No.

Eli: Ok. Now if--

Daniel: Still no. There is absolutely no hypothetical you can think of that would make you getting naked during that haircut acceptable.

Eli: Ok. I think I understand. What about my shirt though?

Daniel: What about it?

Eli: What if they need me to take my shirt off.

Daniel: Have you never had a real haircut before?! Also, that's MY shirt!!!

Eli: Mmm . . . no. This one is mine.

Daniel: NO IT'S MINE!

Eli: Well, maybe I would wear my own if SOMEONE was better at doing my laundry.

Daniel: I JUST DID YOUR LAUNDRY THIS MORNING!

Eli: Then what are you complaining about!? There are plenty of clean clothes for you to choose from!

Anyway, I then left quickly because Daniel was being so unreasonable about what clothes I was wearing and about doing my laundry and stuff.

The guy who cut my hair is a short and plump Filipino man with really tall swooping hair like something straight out of an anime cartoon. The haircut itself was without drama. Then the grand finale happened, and I wasn't prepared for it because I had completely blocked it from my memory when I got my last haircut with this guy.

The violent unannounced painful face massage.

Out of nowhere, he started slapping my face and digging his thumbs into my temples. I am 90% sure he was trying to kill me. I can think of several reasons he would want to do this:

1. Sometimes I take something off of the shelf at a grocery store and then decide I don't want it and put it back on a different shelf, but only if I think nobody is looking.

2. I drive very slowly.

3. Whenever I'm at museums and there are signs that say "don't touch," I ALWAYS touch.

Anyway, the violent face massage then turned into a really awkward shoulder and back massage. And I wasn't sure if I was supposed to lean forward so I just stayed how I was and he had to stick his hands down between my back and the chair. To make it weirder, we were in front of a full-length mirror so I could see exactly how ridiculous the whole thing looked. Which then made me feel the urge to laugh.

But I definitely didn't want to laugh. So I tried to hold it in. And the pressure built and built and built until finally I made that spit-laugh sound that you make when you're trying not to laugh and all the 10 seconds of laughing that you suppressed come out in one second. And then everyone looked over at me. And that made me really start laughing.

So there I was, sitting in this chair to get a haircut, the anime man with both hands buried deep down my back, and I was laughing while all stared on.

And for a second I felt really embarrassed. But then I thought, NO ELI. THIS ONE IS NOT YOUR FAULT. A MAN WHO JUST GAVE YOU A HAIRCUT IS TRYING TO GIVE YOU A FULL BODY MASSAGE WHILE YOU SIT IN A CHAIR.

Then I reminded myself, as I was leaving, that I never once during that entire process got naked. And I was like, "YEAH! Look who's following social norms now!" and then I gave myself a high five, even though everyone was staring at me because I was talking to myself.

~It Just Gets Stranger