It's Monday in Palau. Easter has ended. The gigantic loaves of Ukrainian Easter bread Daniel spent 9 hours baking yesterday mostly remain in my kitchen, untouched. He says he didn't mean to make so much. But the recipe just kept calling for more and more flour. And eventually, we had enough bread to feed the entire country. Our day was exactly like that episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy accidentally bakes so much bread that it comes out of the oven and pins her against the wall. Except our day had way less domestic abuse.
I'm feeling a little down today. Low energy. Maybe I'm coming down with a bug of sorts. Lohan will not be happy. Or maybe it's just one of those days. I've been having some extra stresses lately, and I think I'm also feeling the effects of knowing how much stuff I need to get done before I head to the U.S. at the end of next week.
Whatever it is, I'm so wanting to climb into a comfy bed and shut out life for a little bit. I'm also, contradictorily, feeling like going for an ultra-long run. Sometimes I think my soul is schizophrenic. Can that even be fixed? Heavily medicated? What? Cheesecake is the cure? WELL, IF YOU INSIST!
I think all-in-all I'm just feeling a little bit overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed by the thought of an unsure future and a confusing present where I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to be doing. You know that feeling when you walk into an incredibly messy room to clean it and you just don't even know where to start? So you end up staring at it for 30 minutes before going and making yourself a sandwich?
I should never get a job working for that tv show Hoarders. I would get to the house, look around (from a safe distance) and be all like "nope. This one has reached the point of no return. Moving on!" And then a few of the cats would follow me home because cats tend to see my aloofness toward them as a challenge.
Do any of you out there ever feel like your life goes that way sometimes? Not the hoarding thing. Or the cat thing. The thing about staring into a messy room and not knowing where to start.
The thing is, I know that things need to be done. I know that plans must be made. And in some cases, I know what those things and plans are. But I don't always have the faith that they're going to get me where I want to go. So instead, I go and make a proverbial sandwich.
Don't get me wrong. I recognize that I have had the opportunity to do some neat things in my life and have met some great people along the way. I've also experienced a lot of crippling disappointment---more so than I think a lot of people around me are aware. And I can see, bit by bit, how all of these things have been for my own good. And I'm thankful for that.
And I know that occasionally I fail despite my best efforts. I'm learning to come to terms with this. But sometimes I wonder if the reason I haven't achieved some of my dreams is just because I haven't been brave. Because I've talked myself into believing that a certain goal is unrealistic or not really worth the effort instead of taking a series of plunges to find out whether that's true.
Bleh. I expect you all to send me a therapist bill by the end of the week. What? You guys aren't certified therapists? And I've been telling you my problems for how many years now?! I feel so violated!
~It Just Gets Stranger
Ah Eli, you've captured my feelings exactly. I have been feeling like I'm staring into a messy room for a while now, with no idea where to start. In fact, my life is more than a messy room right now, it IS like a hoarders room, and I would like to just run away sometimes and start completely fresh because this one seems like it's beyond the point of no return. Yet, somehow, I know I need to find a way to just get in there and straighten out the mess, because I've come too far to just walk away and throw it all out. Besides, all the cats, they need me!! Wait... now I'm getting confused between the symbolic and reality... I only have one cat anyway. The point is, I know what you mean, I'm staring into a messy 'room' myself. And I really want a sandwich. And Cheesecake. You really shouldn't bring up cheesecake so much! Now I'm just hungry...
ReplyDeleteEli - I know exactly what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. I actually physically hide my eyes sometimes...just shut the world out with my hand or a hat or someone's shoulder. It feels good. Just remember to open them back up before everything passes you by. You can do this. I can't wait to read about the adventures to come when your next step gets sorted out.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Today I realized that I am graduating college in a month! Which freaks me out for two reasons: all the papers I haven't started, and grad school. I'll be getting a master's in library science and I've finally decided which one I'm going to, but I'm still a bit anxious about the whole thing. What if I get there and decide I don't want to be a librarian?! Or worse, what if I get there and decide I do want to be a librarian but then I graduate and get a job and I hate it?! Then I'll have wasted my life. Maybe I should just not go, and join peace corp long enough to learn a couple languages, and then be a diplomat or be on the council of foreign relations or stage a coup. That all sounds more exciting. In the mean time, all this homework they're making me do my last semester is my messy room.
ReplyDeleteHey, I got you brother. I know this sounds utterly not important and silly and pretty stupid and not important but my messy room is high school. Well more of like what I'm going to do after it and all that crap. But I like you and your blog because first I thought it helped me hoard away my problems, but I find now that it actually motivates me. Reading all the things you do just reminds how great life actually is. Also, you should feel my abs because they are rock hard from laughing at the crazy stuff you do. thank you ya crazy man
ReplyDeleteMy messy room is that I'm graduating college in a month! and have papers to write that I haven't started. I've lured myself into a false sense of security. Also that I got into a good grad school but am questioning my decision on which master's degree to get.
ReplyDeleteI am actually a certified therapist. You can tell me your problems all day long...some of the people I get in my practice are, well, that's confidential...
ReplyDelete;)
~V
Waitwaitwat. It's April Fool's day and you didn't say anything?!?!?! WHAT?
ReplyDeleteI know, right?! Earlier today I thought "oh i better go read what eli blogged today, I'm sure its something great about april fools!"
DeleteI too am staring at the messy room that is my life. Should I stay in NYC, which I love and is the best possible place in the world for my work in the art market, but also where I just can't seem to breathe. Or should I move to a city with a slower pace? Perhaps this is all just my quarter life crisis talking.
ReplyDeleteKnowing myself I will probably just move to Brooklyn and hope I don't get suffocated by the hipsters. I hear they haven't infiltrated BayRidge yet.
I am sure we will both figure out our lives at some point, but for now I'm going out for some cheesecake, I'm in New York after all. I can try to send you some, but I doubt it would survive the journey.
I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. You're what? 25? You're doing exactly what you should be doing at 25. You're giving yourself a variety of interesting experiences to look back on when you do finally land at that place in life where you've realized what exactly you want to do with yourself and you start to settle in. You won't feel restless when you get there. You won't feel like you are faking your way through being a grown-up anymore. Right now? Relax a little and enjoy the slight directionlessness of your 20s. It will serve you well when you are ready to find what fits forever.
ReplyDeleteI think it is only natural to feel lost, and this time won't be the first and most certainly won't be the last. It's very healthy to be lost, to reevaluate life, your dreams, aspirations and hopes. I am a risk taker by heart and I never know how the situation may turn out, it could be amazing, it could be the worst but so far when I look back I don't have any regrets. I am proud of the not so good experiences I have had, as well as the great ones because all of them have shaped me into the person I am today. So feel lost, stare at that messy room, give yourself some time to figure out where to start. It will all work out in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteCheesecake heals what ails most...except diabetes.
ReplyDeleteWe get lulled and our senses dulled when we see other people who seem to have had a plan and to have accomplished so much. We become overwhelmed and think our lives will never measure up. Mostly they just picked the next thing and it worked out. Or they've learned to see their failures like Thomas Edison, not as failures, but as positive opportunities to learn and grow.
ReplyDeleteTo someone sitting in their living room in the States, a young man who has strong bonds with his family, attended law school and passed the bar, entertains in comedy clubs, has done service for his church, is physically strong and healthy, has many friends, is funny and good-hearted, has traveled extensively, has lived overseas and worked in the highest levels of another country's government, and has built an online presence with loyal followers has bravery and personal grit in abundance. He needs to give himself credit for his accomplishments and be kinder to himself.
You're trying to do things almost no one else does. No wonder you're overwhelmed. You can't orchestrate all the unknowable future possibilities. Just pick the next thing and do it. Then the next. When you have a solid personal foundation, like you do, your choices get made thematically and generally cluster around the good and right. Everything else is a wonderful opportunity for growth.
You're already one of the bravest people I know, well, in that way we "know" people who we encounter on the internets.
That is exactly how I've been feeling for the past year. I'm at a point in life where I have a million things to do and a billion more things to prepare for and I feel overwhelmed to the point of not wanting to do anything in life anymore. All I want to most of the time is climb into my bed and eat chocolate and hope that everything fixes itself. I have come further in life than I expected I would three years ago, yet there are so many things I wish I could have accomplished, but I haven't out of laziness and fear. I agree with the guy who made the above comment. You really do have a lot of bravery, and as a result of that bravery you have accomplished so much in life. It seems like the two of us ought to listen to anonymous' comment. Be kind to yourself and take things one thing at a time.
ReplyDeleteBest advice I have ever been given in my life, Eli: how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. All you have to do is pick up one little thing and work on it first. Then another. Then another. And before you know it, the room is clean. And then you eat cheesecake.
ReplyDeleteI thought Ben & Jerry's was the cure for these moments. Maybe Ben & Jerry's can be the reward for getting it all sorted out. No one is exempt from those hoarders room moments. You just have to go at it one 50 year old magazine at a time. How did you get 50 year old magazines anyway? Did you inherit them? That's an odd thing to inherit. If they're Ensigns, you can find those articles online. Get rid of those magazines! Eli, you've got a whole group of Strangers supporting you. Sing Party in the USA, eat some cheesecake and know we love you. Can't wait to see you at The Porch!
ReplyDeleteI graduate highschool in exactly 1 month and 24 days, I've never had a real job before because I did a bunch of extracurricular activities instead, I hate talking to people because I'm very shy (despite the fact that almost every activity I've done requires either talking or performing in front of people), I'm starting off at a community college because I can afford it and have no idea where I want to go. I've been looking at the messy room all year, occasionally I do a quick sweep through maybe fill out a scholarship, talk briefly to someone about where to work etc... but really I have no idea. However, I suspect that most people don't have any idea what to do or where to go most of the time. Adult or child every once in a while you just have to deal with the messy room, but eventually you do have to start. Clean off the cobwebs in the corner, pick up your clothes, then eat that cheesecake while you think of what has to be done next.
ReplyDeleteI actually AM looking at a messy room right now. It's my kitchen, and thanks to 4 young children, mountains of yardwork my husband had to do, and a massive project that I had due for school today, I can no longer see the sink. And I'm out of bread, so I can't even make myself a sandwich until I brave the grocery store with said children. But I don't want to leave the house looking like this, so I stare at my kitchen, discouraged, and try to figure out how to even start. What I'm forgetting, by letting myself become discouraged by the kitchen, is that my project is finished on time, the yard is ready for planting and I have four healthy, happy kids. We spent all of Easter Sunday with family, creating memories and strong bonds, so the kitchen is really a minor challenge in the midst of everything. It still needs to be cleaned, but I don't need to let it overwhelm me.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I am not the only one feeling this way! I am transferring colleges and was informed by a professor that I should not pursue my dream job because I am not cut out for it. So I just dont know what to do. I feel violated by having my dream bubble popped... but what if she is right... And the whole transferring thing! What am I going to do without some of the dear friends I have made!!!! Some days I just want to stay in bed... with the covers over my head and just lay there because I don`t know what else to do! Its scary looking at a future that is so blurry because in all honesty I WANT TO KNOW!!!! I wanna know what happens! I just need a little peek that way I know everything will work out... unfortunately life doesnt work that way. Can you believe that! How dare they! Ah, well. I guess if my life were a series of books, this book is ending and is going on to the next volume. ITS JUST LEAVING ME WITH A CLIFF HANGER! But arent those always the best series when the books are written like that? So, I guess in cleaning up my room.. I am gonna start with the little section by the door and slowly work my way through the entire room! And dont worry! No therapist bill from me! All I request is a loaf of bread!! I hope things work out for you Eli. We are all rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteHow does she know you aren't cut out for it? What if she is wrong? It's YOUR dream and YOUR dream job. Don't let other people dream for you.
DeleteI have this runner (you know him, in fact, you're related). He had an injury during indoor track that took him out for a couple of weeks and killed his time at Simplot (still ran under 4:30 in the mile, though). then, just when he was getting back into shape, he got appendicitis (not my favorite day, one of my other varsity boys was diagnosed with pneumonia that day too-it was awful). He had to take another week completely off, no cross training, nothing. Keep in mind, he tok 2nd at state as soph. last year, he's got really high expectations. He didn't make it into Arcadia: time denied. He was not fast enough. Super disappointing. I'm sure he felt a bit of what you are feeling: overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the prospect of getting back into really good shape in very little time--you are trying to get your life back into shape, so to speak. Track meets are not upon us, and he wants to succeed but feels really really far behind.
ReplyDeleteToday he ran 20x400 meters by himself (the other did this while he was out healing from his innards having been tampered with). His goal time was 77 seconds per 400. His first was at that, the next two a second faster, the rest even faster.
Take it one 400 at a time, Eli. Pick the right pace and take it one 400 at a time, metaphorically speaking. I'll even yell at you if it will help.
Who gave you permission to write about my life today?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, totally know what you're going through. I'm right there with ya.
Do you ever wonder if Moroni felt that way sometimes? If he ever looked around and was all, what the thunder am I even doing here and why do I even keep trying?! I mean you read the scriptures and it seems sometimes like they were all super human with everything they accomplished, what kind of whimp am I that I am struggling? But sometimes I wonder if they felt the same way sometimes, it just didn't make it onto the tablets because then they would be like 7,000 pages long. Okay, I'm done rambling at you. I have my own proverbial sandwich to make. God bless.
ReplyDeleteStart with DOING something simple: get out your suitcase & pack your socks & underwear. Before you know it, you will have the whole thing packed. Draw a line through that To Do. Go make a sandwich. Do another simple thing: shower & go to work. Boom a whole day of doing things. See? You are a marvel. Now, before you go to sleep put the other To Dos out there to God in prayer. Ask for help. He will guide you in what to do tomorrow and all of your tomorrows. But start with just one tomorrow. Sleep well. I feel like humming "we are the world, we are the future" WE, not a solo You trip. We are so with you on this, Eli. Sympatico.
ReplyDeletecontradictorily? good grief.
ReplyDelete50 MORE DAYS OF EASTER, Y'ALL!!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us are in the same boat. I'm just a freshman in college, but I feel like I'm just floating along, not really making anything of myself. There's so much pressure to be so much and do so much, but it's extremely easy to fail.
ReplyDeleteJohn 14: 27
ReplyDeleteThis helps me out all the time:)
I'm almost a certified therapist (you knew you would get some comments like this, right?)! So with you getting all personal in your posts in the last few months and I actually feel like I know you except I DON'T! :) So it's weird that I really care about how you're doing on your little island, but if it makes any difference to you, I do? Uhhhh this is so weird! And therefore fitting for this blog.
ReplyDeleteIn my non-therapist personal life I'm in the middle of that same feeling and it feels like it will never end. I don't really have any words of encouragement other than sometimes people tell me it ends so I kind of think it does in my head but my heart doesn't really listen to that. So I guess what I'm saying is...I get it? Thanks for sharing your real stuff!
Get a wife. She'll make all of those decisions for you.
ReplyDelete