Other Idiots on the Road

On Saturday we had our annual family adult Christmas outing. Wait. That sounds wrong. That sounds like my family once a year engages in x-rated Christmas festivities.

You know what I mean. The adults get together and have an evening in December where nobody is having to scream, "STOP BITING YOUR SISTER" the entire time. Well, they have to scream it less anyway. Guys, I'm only 29. You can't expect me to be completely well-behaved.

As you can imagine, adult Christmas outing is a wonderful thing.

There are eight adults in my family, which is the exact number of seats in my sister Krisanda's gigantic Mormon assault vehicle that she and my brother-in-law use to drive around their four adorable children. So we all rode together.


My family is not known for impressive driving and navigation skills. Bob holds his own just fine. You could plop him down, blind-folded, on the backside of the moon, and somehow he would be pulling into the driveway of his house twenty minutes later without ever having to turn on the GPS. My brother-in-law, Jeff, is the same way. But the rest of us take after Cathie, whom I have seen on more than one occasion THIS YEAR ALONE turn the wrong way onto a one-way street. THAT SHE HAS BEEN DRIVING ON FOR FORTY YEARS SINCE SHE FIRST MOVED TO SALT LAKE CITY.

So it really didn't make sense that my sister Krisanda was the designated driver for our evening festivities. And it made even less sense that Cathie decided to become the world's worst back-seat driver during our venture.

The entire way Cathie kept calling to the front of the car things like, "slow down," "switch lanes," and "sweety, did you just learn how to drive yesterday?"

Because Cathie frequently yelled out conflicting and totally incorrect instructions, the rest of the car started piping in and yelling over the top of each other, telling an overwhelmed Krisanda what to do. The yelling climaxed when everyone in the car was screaming at her to get into the left lane or else we would miss our turn.

Krisanda didn't listen and we ended up going the wrong way. After everyone dramatically expressed their frustration that she wasn't listening to what we were telling her to do, she blurted out, "EVERYONE IS YELLING AT ME AT ONCE! I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN HERE!"

It got quiet for a minute and then Cathie, always trying to deflate a tense situation, sweetly offered, "it's ok, dear. You have done a really good job getting us to this spot. It's the wrong spot. But you did a good job getting us here."

Stifled laughter could be heard throughout the car. Then we noticed the car in front of us had apparently made the same mistake and was making a U-turn.

Cathie helpfully explained, "and see!? Look, Krisanda! There are other idiots on the road, too!"

Cathie. You already earned a Tellin' Like It Is award a long time ago. You don't need to try so hard.

~It Just Gets Stranger