On Saturday night I was out relatively late. Don't tell Bob and Cathie. And NEVER YOU MIND what I was doing! None of your business! My personal scandals shall stay personal!
Ok. Fine. I fell asleep on a friend's couch watching something called "Untold Stories from the ER" on TLC. But when I woke up it was so late that the program seemed to have taken a much seedier turn. And then I checked and found out that it wasn't the same show that was on when I had fallen asleep but was a new one called "Sex Sent Me to the ER." And I was outraged by the moral degradation of society so as soon as that episode and the next one and the one after that were over, I turned it off in an indignant huff!
By the way, it probably didn't erode my mind that much to watch the show because most of the stuff they were talking about went way over my head. Because apparently Jon Scoville did not teach me as much about sex at scout camp in 1997 as I initially thought.
Anyway, I didn't make it home until close to 2:00 in the morning and when I did, I expected everyone to be in bed. Because I enforce a pretty strict curfew in the McCann home.
This weekend my place turned into Grand Central Station. My best friend Corey came to town and stayed with me, bringing with her a friend of her own. Living-in-sin Rebecca has become a permanent fixture. And about half a dozen other friends were in and out constantly for about four days.
This was mostly my fault because as soon as the first company started arriving on Wednesday I turned into a hospitable southern woman and started an endless parade of cooking and baking and saying things like, "ya'll come back now when you're hungry, ya hear?!"
When I made it home, basically in the middle of the night, my friend Kyle was just leaving. And on his way out, I saw him suspiciously hiding something in the hallway. Shifty-eyed, he avoided conversation with me and bolted out the door.
You have to understand that I was very confused about why Kyle was there in the first place. The reason is because Kyle is my friend. I met him a few months ago. And it seemed very odd that he would be hanging out in my apartment without me there. But on Saturday I appeared to be getting cut clean out of the circle of friendship because not only was Kyle apparently hanging out with living-in-sin Rebecca, but I found out earlier in the day that Jolyn invited Disney-Prince-Hair Brandt to sneak into Comic-Con with her. Jolyn and Brandt just met recently THROUGH ME. And now Jolyn is basically ruining his life instead of just ruining mine like she's supposed to.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED but I think it's improper for a lady to invite one man to ironically attend a lecture about owls one month and then seek out another man to break into Comic-Con the next.
By the way, I still haven't gotten the full story on what Jolyn and Brandt did at Comic-Con. Did anyone happen to see the evening news that night and can fill us in?
Anyway, confused, I walked into my apartment where I found Rebecca putting the last touches on some excessive Easter decorating.
Eli: What the Hell happened in here?
Rebecca: Happy Easter! Kyle and I made an Easter egg hunt for you!
Eli: Why?
Rebecca: Because it's Easter!
Eli: So you hid a dozen eggs throughout my apartment. And I have to dig around for them now?
Rebecca: Hahahahaha! A dozen?!
Eli: Why did you just say it like that?
Rebecca: We hid FIFTY eggs full of candy and special surprises.
Eli: Shoot me now.
Rebecca: And you get to take this Easter basket around and find them all!
Eli: Seriously. I don't want to be alive anymore.
Rebecca: Also, I ruined your coffee table by spilling something all over it. And your couch. And your rug. And a pan. And--
Eli: When are you moving to Paris again?
I couldn't deal with the Easter egg hunt that night so I went to bed between the dozens of bodies of couchsurfers we had staying with us, a quarter of which I didn't even recognize. Then, the moment the light pierced the sky in the morning, Rebecca was violently shaking me awake, holding an Easter basket in her hand.
Rebecca: Time for your Easter egg hunt!!!!
Eli: Why did you do this again?
Rebecca: Because Kyle and I were talking about how we never get to do stuff like this because we don't have kids and then I was like, "BUT WE HAVE ELI!" And then we filled a shopping cart to the top and hid melting chocolate all over your apartment.
Eli: [Having begun the search] Why did I ever complain about Daniel . . .
Rebecca: Isn't this fun!?
Eli: No. I feel like I'm cleaning.
After an arduous and thorough search, I found 34 of the 50 eggs.
Eli: Rebecca. Where are the rest?
Rebecca: Um . . . I don't know. They'll turn up. I'm sure they will!
You guys. I'm 29 years old.
~It Just Gets Stranger
Karma
ReplyDeleteI love this. I love everything about this. I feel like Jolyn is cheating on you - and us - with Mr. Disney Prince Hair, but, I am sort of thinking Living In Sin Rebecca is just the universe getting back at you for everything Daniel endured. Maybe Daniel planted her there? And, you realize, like, a dozen Leotrixs' are probably going to find the missing Easter Eggs, right? Just throwing that out there....
ReplyDeleteAre we sure that living in sin Rebecca isn't actually Daniel in disguise? Is she freakishly tall, with AMAZING hair?
DeleteAwesome
ReplyDeleteBorrow a dog. Dogs find chocolate really well.
ReplyDeleteLeotrix just texted me and said he was on his way to your place for free melted chocolate under your mattress. He's bring a +1 and has hopes it will turn into a +50 (if ya know what I mean winka winka)
ReplyDeleteI think whenever Rebecca calls you on your cell, her ring should be circus music. I LOVE HER. Not as much as I love you, Eli, don't worry-- I know you are fragile.
ReplyDeleteI went to Comic Con all three days! It was awesome! However the first 2 days were spent in the kidcon area because I have kids...I was in the front row for Sir Patrick Stewart!
ReplyDeleteEli I don't know why you think your age matters. I'm 18, my sisters are 24 and 30 and my brother-in-law is 26 and my parents sent us all on an easter egg hunt this year... granted this was so that my 8 year old niece didn't have to have one by herself, but still easter egg hunts are awesome!
ReplyDeleteI love it. Our kids are 15 and 18, and this year, for the first time in their lives (*sniff*), I colored the eggs ALONE, BY MYSELF, ON SATURDAY because they didn't feel like doing it--they were out doing real stuff like FB messaging friends while at the movie with other friends. I didn't hide the eggs, also for the first time, but they sure looked AWESOME in that bowl in the fridge the next morning.
ReplyDeleteI should mention that we have had, ummm, years past where we hid 24 eggs but only found 23. And yeah...you DO always find the other ones.
I believe that Rebecca and Brant were hired by Daniel as retribution. They are secret agents who can not be trusted!! Since they have ruined your life now, I think its only fair that you no longer have to complete the iron man or continue to wear cologne.
ReplyDeleteI had the exact same experience with Sex Sent me to The ER this weekend.....the ladies whose head went through the wall had me laughing for a good five minutes. Stupid TLC!
ReplyDeleteYes! I saw that episode! The acting was so terrible!
DeleteThe terrible acting is what makes the whole show!!!
Deleteyou saw this, right? RIGHT?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ksl.com/?sid=29596657&nid=1205&title=paul-mccartney-to-perform-in-utah&s_cid=queue-2
WRONG Paul. This is the WRONG. ONE.
DeleteBut thank you.
Isn't there is a rule that all famous Pauls must travel in pairs? There is a chance your Paul might be there!
DeleteDid you really gripe about going on an Easter egg hunt that your friends put together for you? With candy and everything? That is NOt a very grateful attitude, Eli. And even if living-in-sin-Rebecca is stealing your friendships, they're thinking about you when you're not there! She sounds awesome!
ReplyDeleteDid I mention that it wasn't even very good candy?
DeleteAlmond joys and peanut butter M&Ms aren't good candy? If it was jellybeans, I'd understand...
DeleteYou did NOT mention the yucky-ness of the candies. (Almond Joy? Ick. Don't they know that coconut destroys anything that it touches?)
DeleteJust pick one and get married. HAHAHA. The females need children to bother (raise) and you need something more substantial than tv shows.
ReplyDeleteDid you see this one? This is why guys shouldn't leave the seat up when they pee. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu1muWhKEBA
ReplyDeleteYour friends have the right idea. I borrowed my brothers' and sister's kids for an Easter egg hunt, but I should totally have made my grown kids do one! Maybe next year...
ReplyDeleteI forced my 14 year old cousin (who thought "this is LAME") to go on an Easter egg hunt after I hid eggs all around my house. Unfortunately, after she found them, she informed me it was now my turn to go on an Easter egg hunt. All I could think while finding the eggs was, "this is LAME and way too much like cleaning."
ReplyDeleteOkay, so, upon first reading I totally read Sex Sent TO ME IN the ER. What the heck are prostitutes going to do for a guy with a bullet wound??? I honestly didn't figure it out until reading the comments.
ReplyDeleteThank you! At least I'm not the only one who read it like that!! :p
DeleteThey will turn up. One time we were missing an Easter egg for six months. We found it. Eventually.
ReplyDelete