I'm in the middle of a humor competition for attorneys and I'm supposed to send a short video of me attempting to be funny so a bunch of people can sit in a back room somewhere and judge me (it's high school social circles all over again). The top six from this round will compete in finals in New York at a comedy club in May. We'll be shooting the video this Thursday on
The Porch at Muse Music in Provo. I didn't expect to be on The Porch again but I'm so excited to be back and would love to see some of you there (I would even love to see
all of you there, but some of you are probably serial killers so maybe it's best to just have the "safe-for-societies" out). I've sent invites to Larry, The Queen of Colors, and The First Eye, but I'm not expecting much as none of them have ever really been there for me when I've needed it the most. Lohan will be there, of course. But that's just because he depends on living inside me to stay alive (bless his heart). Doors open at 7:30. Please come and laugh super hard, even if it's forced (I have no problem with fake laughter).
In other news, my good friend Matt sent me screen clippings of a recent text conversation he had with a seventh grade girl who texted him thinking he was a seventh grade boy she apparently has a seventh grade crush on. Below is the conversation. We love you Matt. And we all hope you don't end up on "To Catch a Predator" one day.
~It Just Gets Stranger
And they say that children are our future....I'm ready to go jump off a bridge now. No point in waiting around to see what society is like when these kids are in charge.
ReplyDeleteOh gosh. I know. o.o
DeleteI'm SURE that this one won't be our future.
Deletetxts from my mom aren't much better, here's a gem:
Delete"Hi just wanted to kn if you go your mail i sent to you last wk"
my sister and I have told her repeatedly she needs to stop making her own abbreviations for words, because it is really hard to understand at times. To be fair she is writing on an old mobile where you have to press the numbers several times to get make letters.
PS. I just found your site via pinterest and think you are awesome!
Sometime you've just got to take matters into your own hands and buy your parents a proper phone.
DeleteSame as Nicole, I found your blog via pinterest. You are indeed viral, and I enjoyed what I've read :)
DeleteHaha. I'm twelve and I don't text like this. Kids like that give alot of twelve year olds a bad reputation. I could barely understand what that girl was saying. I'm just here to assure you that there are mature and well... not stupid twelve year olds out there. Why is that twelve year old even thinking about dating anyway? Gee. SOMEBODY is trying to grow up way too fast.
DeleteGee, and "alot" is two words, every time. A and lot. Unless you double the L and then you've got "allot" which means something entirely different.
DeleteThat was really confusing but ok
DeleteYeah. I am with anonymous. I am also twelve and I just thought that was hysterical. I was laughing so hard by the end of this.
DeleteGirl am 12 too yeah:-)
DeleteI won't let my kids have phones until there 18
DeleteThis is a glorious masterpiece of illiteracy and barely comprehensible pickup attempts. Your friend is a gem.
ReplyDeleteI believe everyone has a 12 year old inside of them. And I think this helped prove my point.
DeleteI feel dirty for just having read it.
ReplyDeleteAnd laughed.
And cried a little (a lot).
And depressed.
DeleteThe spelling made me cringe...
ReplyDeleteWas the spelling bad? I knew I should have made an effort in elementary school.
DeleteThe spelling made me cringe...
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I feel like I need to stop blogging. I try to be mildly amusing and witty, but compared to your site, I'm about as funny as Jack Kevorkian. Or slamming your finger in the car door.
ReplyDeleteThe Yahoo Answers post? I was sobbing with laughter.
Welcome! And glad you like it! I just blog stalked you myself. Nice to see another runner around here. Please run with me soon. Maybe we ought to start a running group (I desperately need support right now).
DeleteLet's run
DeleteThat poor little girl. Hope she can learn to spell someday.
ReplyDeleteI think spelling is the least depressing of her problems.
DeleteGood grief, my eyes and brain hurt just trying to figure that out. Does this mean I'm officially old?
ReplyDeleteOfficially older than 12.
DeleteFrick even your replies are funny!!!
DeleteOh dear. I was IMing with 14 year old boys in Australia who I knew even then were probably really 40 back when I was 12...but at least my spelling was good and I used proper grammar and punctuation!
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you saved those conversations.
DeleteThere's a very good possibility I did. They're probably on livejournal somewhere. God I was an embarrassing pre-teen.
DeleteI find it interesting that Matt knows how to text like a 12 yr old. I could barely make out half of what was said. It makes me feel old........
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've always been pretty worried about him. This didn't help.
DeletePublic education. Your tax dollars, hard at work.
ReplyDeleteGood grief.
I'm holding out hope that she's a drop-out.
DeleteI will be eternally grateful that we didn't have cell phones when I was twelve.
ReplyDeleteAnd the same should be said of Facebook.
Deleteoh gosh where have the scary english teachers gone? If my english teacher (from 7th grade) saw this, she would cry… in fact she's probably rolling over in her grave as I type this. But thanks for sharing, I just started following, this was a laugh much needed.
ReplyDeleteWelcome! And whenever I think of the person responsible for these texts, I just imagine a monkey using a phone. Then I'm not worried, I'm just really impressed.
DeleteSadly kids now think they can write their papers using text lingo. Not even kidding.
DeleteOh i believe it… my younger brother just turned 12 and i sat him down to explain that text lingo is not real english and if he even tries to text me in this manner i will reply in French...
Deletewhy u not want date me???
ReplyDeleteExactly.
Deletethis turned my frown upside down.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it. It seems to be depressing some people.
DeleteSo I'm guessing you're 'as humorous' in person so this is just a suggestion. Maybe you should just read your blog posts and tell us about the deeper stories, Thursday eve. I'm sure we'd all laugh our a's off!
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Blog stalker.
The story I plan to tell has been written about in the blog, but with less detail--so your suggestion will at least sort of happen.
DeleteI just finished listening to the pod cast of the Ukrainian appendectomy. You can talk about whatever you want, your dammed funny.
DeleteOohhh yea, the text with the 12 yr old girl, gives me the hee.be.gee.bees!
ReplyDeleteAustine should stick with Mariha, there's no way her spelling is worse. Got to give some propts though, it is fairly clever, are = R, simplistically brilliant. In a mind numbing/cheese grater sort of way.
ReplyDeleteI think the Aunstin/Rachel/Mariha love triangle sounds like everything I've ever heard about Twilight.
Deletei fill lik i jus red da beeeezzzt r0manc3 b00k owt their!!!! <3 <3 <3 ~tru luv 4vrrrr
ReplyDeletePlease tell me this gir's parents didn't give her a phone on purpose.
ReplyDeleteMy 3 year old speaks better grammar than this. Though I'm sure not anywhere near as well as your children, Eli, but we can't all be blessed with prodigies. :)
ReplyDeleteFortify has better things to do than text.
DeleteSadly compared to some of the essays I've seen (from seniors) this is the epitome of good grammer, but what I want to know is how your friend knew that her name was Rachel....
ReplyDeleteI just asked him. He said he put the name in there thinking this would make her realize that she had the wrong number. Right after he did that she started trying to call him. He assumes she was confused about why he started calling her Rachel (unless that really was her name and this was the luckiest guess of all time).
Deleteokay this just about killed me. this blog is arguably the most hilarious one i've come across yet.
ReplyDelete-your newest blog "stocker"
dis so sad their no more gud englsh tought at skool anymore :(
ReplyDelete(kidding)
I just saw this blog today thanks to my best friend, and we're dying!! This is great.(: I'm in high school, and if any of my friends used grammar like this while texting me, I would probably punch them. Right in the throat.
ReplyDeleteI'm in college. I used to text/write like that....when I was 14. I thought it was simple and easier. Now I know it was just stupid and stupid-er. Fortunately, I've always been a gifted speller (and I have a 5th grade spelling bee champion trophy to prove it!). I just used 2 for 'to' and 4 in place of 'for' and other idiotic things like that. Thank you for blessing the internet with your utter brilliance, Eli.
ReplyDeleteOmg middle schoolers are so innocent! Lol
ReplyDeleteThis, ladies and gentlemen, is why my mother home schooled me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not even from an english speaking country yet I have to say even I text better than that. are you sure she is in eighth grade? Not a 2nd grader? laughing out loud since i should be working right now. XD
ReplyDeleteThis made laugh and then cry because it reminded me of caveman speech
ReplyDeleteWhy did he call her Rachel?
ReplyDeleteWhy did he call her Rachel?
ReplyDeleteI had better grammar then this is the third grade....this is utterly atrocious. What's even more horrible is the fact that I didn't have to second-guess a single part of those texts~ I understood it perfectly the first time around................I obviously need better friends
ReplyDeleteyolo
ReplyDeletehow does he know her name is Rachel & why is no one else bothered by this?
ReplyDelete