Sunday, July 31, 2016

We All Wear Masks

Ring ring

Skylar: Hello.

Eli: Someone called you a "hotty mc hotty" in the comments of something I posted on Stranger last week.

Skylar: Wait. I'm on your blog now?

Eli: You were last week. I hope you aren't in the witness protection program.

Skylar: Don't you have to get someone's permission to write about them on your blog?

Eli: Haha. Anyway, they also said there should be a website that has pictures of the hot people of It Just Gets Stranger but then they said something really hurtful.

Skylar: What?

Eli: They said that Tami better not be included on this site.

Skylar: That's not hurtful. This person sounds like a good a decent American.

Eli: No. This isn't right. She shouldn't be criticized like this so close to her birthday and right after we put all of that work into making an inspirational video to celebrate her.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

How's my night going? Well after a very long day I was in the drive-through at Wendy's at 11:15 PM and I ran my car into the the back of the car in front of me and that guy stuck his head out of his window and asked me what happened and I actually "SHHHHHH'd" him because I was in the middle of ordering "extra large fries with that" and I was concerned that with this interruption the guy taking my order maybe wouldn't catch that last part and it was really important to me that he got that order. So that's how my day is going.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
If this picture doesn't make you happy, then you probably don't even know what America is.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

On Being a Mom

Brianne: Why do you already have a late fee on your phone bill?

Eli: Sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

Brianne: You know that line doesn't work in face-to-face conversations, right?

Eli: Can we talk about this later? I'm really busy right now.

Brianne: You're sitting on the floor eating Cheetos.

Eli: So we agree, then.

Brianne: I want to know right now why you already have a late fee on your phone bill TWO MONTHS after I switched your phone service providers.

Eli: Well it was a very confusing time in my life and I didn't really know what was happening and I didn't even realize that you had switched it.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Pioneer Day Miracle

We gathered aboard the raft, the five of us, unaware of the trauma that awaited us. Bats flew overhead, and the sounds of water churning on the cliffs of rocks beckoned us forward, pulling us down the river.

The risk was inescapable. The moment we climbed aboard, we bid farewell to safety and any opportunity to turn back. The calm shore inveigled us into a sense of security that was quickly disposed when the first rabid rapid sucked us into the abyss, like an avaricious swarm of piranha drawn toward anything moving.

Our lack of experience served us what we deserved and betrayed our natural instincts for survival. Our screams echoed off of the canyon walls, the sounds' dissipation a testament to our seclusion that made more terrifying our situation.

Rapid after rapid threatened to do us in, twirling us deeper and deeper into profound disorientation until finally all we had left were our basic senses and each other.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Hello. Let me usher you into the greatest weekend of the year. PIONEER DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!

You guys. This is a magical year because Pioneer Day falls on Sunday so the State of Utah observes it on Monday, WHICH MEANS that Pioneer Day is basically two days this year. Also please don't forget that it's Tami's birthday and she expects to get a call from every one of you. Don't test her on this. She has anger issues.

Happy Pioneer Day(s). I love you.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
Don't be a cliche, Macy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Fan Mail

Please enjoy the below email exchange I had with an avid fan recently:

From: Larry
To: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Pathetic

Eli I wanted to let you know that I think your writing is really terrible and I wish you the best I really do but you are obviusley trying to confiscate for something the way you lie and tell things that arent true and I think you are doing a lot of harm to people by your liberal ways. I wish you the best I really do but I just hope that you get hurt and you cant use your hands anymore because then we wont have to read your lies anymore. Larry

To: Larry
From: It Just Gets Stranger
Subject: Re: Pathetic

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Episode 6: The World of Homelessness

Welcome back for Episode 6 of Strangerville! We are still alive, so are still moving forward.

Please take a listen and help us get the word out about Strangerville! Every time you share Strangerville, a new poodle mix is introduced into the world. Also, don't forget to subscribe on whatever thing-a-ma-gadget you're using. Enjoy!

This time in Strangerville, we explore the world of homelessness. A senior citizen explains what it is like for him to live on the streets of Salt Lake City. A panhandler catches the attention of a passerby. A detox facility shares some insight and discusses misconceptions about the homeless community. And a young man, stranded on the highway, is befriended by colorful character who seeks to help him.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Today Brianne told me that I was being moody again and that maybe I needed to get my hormones checked out so I foolishly started arguing with her and in the process said something that sounded sort of sexist even though I strongly believe in not saying things like that to women. So then I immediately tried to backtrack but it was too late and she told me she was going to file a sexual harassment lawsuit and I told her that I didn't really have time for that right now because I'm dog sitting this week but she said that she didn't care what I have time for so then I gave her a gift card to Subway I found in my office during the move in order to pay her off and told her it had five dollars on it and I offered it as settlement for her sexual harassment claims, which she accepted because apparently she only felt she had been wronged about five-dollars worth BUT THEN she came back ten minutes later and told me she called Subway to verify that the card was actually still valid because apparently she doesn't trust me and Subway told her that the card has FIFTEEN dollars on it so yeah, now I feel like Brianne owes me ten dollars.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
The Pantses

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


I love titling posts with a female's first name because I know that at least 15% of you are terrified that I'm about to introduce you to one of Tami's family members. This is no such post, although I do think we need an update on Tami's newest hairstyle soon.

My sister called me the other day and asked me if I would watch their dog while they go out of town because "your entire social media presence is basically a virtual dog pound so we thought you wouldn't mind taking in another."

I never did think there would be a time in my life when anyone would consider me an option for dog sitting. But as I've explained on numerous occasions, Mr. Pants has changed my world view on everything.

I pretty much immediately and enthusiastically told my sister that I would gladly accept their request, in large part because they have a Boxer and I really wanted to post a picture of the dog to Instagram, including as a caption the lyrics to Paul Simon's "The Boxer" because I'm poetic like that.

Two days later, Macy showed up at my house.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Lifetime Original Movies

When I was growing up my older sister Krisanda and I used to play this game where we would take turns reading the names of movies printed in the weekly TV schedule that came with the Sunday morning paper. The person reading them would do it in a monotone voice and the person listening would have to guess whether the title was to a Lifetime movie, or something else.

Friday, July 8, 2016

There's Still Dancing

Some terrible things are happening. Horrific bombings in Iraq. Fanatic shootings at home. Families and lives torn apart because of hate, and misunderstanding, and anger, and fear, and and and . . .

And we feel heartbroken for it. And passion. And a compelling urge to say and do something about it. Because we despise tragedy. And we don't want lives to be torn apart because of hate, and misunderstanding, and anger, and fear. Nobody should have to experience the unfathomable grief that so many are experiencing. And especially not because of where they live, or what they look like, or what they believe, or who they are.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Brianne said that she doesn't think our relationship is going to survive the big office move this week because apparently I'm being "emotionally abusive" when I have my "temper tantrums" and "act like" her "child used to act when he was five and" she "told him it was bedtime."

Admittedly, I may have been somewhere approaching bridezilla on Tuesday, but I've been saying "please" and "thank you" to most people since at least Wednesday afternoon.

I DON'T LIKE CHANGE, OK?!? Being a 75-year-old man on the inside is the entire basis of my relationship with Matt. If I wasn't this way, none of us would have Mr. Pants in our lives. So you're welcome!

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:
Last day in the office hashtag selfie. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Independence Day Resurgence: America is Definitely Getting Dumber

You guys. I went into this with very low expectations. After Jurassic World happened last year, I was convinced that the United States of America no longer has enough brain cells to support action films that make sense.

But oh sweet mother of goose.

As usual, I'll start this with an empty "spoiler alert." It is empty, because, as usual, I'm not convinced there was enough of a plot in this movie to possibly spoil.

We all remember Independence Day in 1996. It was amazing. As a 12-year-old, I vividly remember sitting in the theater on July 3, 1996, thinking, "special effects cannot get better than this. We've reached the end result."