Q&A with Tami

A while ago Tami did a Q&A on the Stranger Facebook page (for those unfamiliar because you haven't yet caught up on a decade's worth of ramblings and misspellings on this site, Tami is my big toe on my right foot. She was born when the toenail fell off on Pioneer Day in 2014 and now everyone who reads this site LOVES her and begs me to post graphic pictures of her).

Anyway, I helped Tami respond to your questions and thought I'd share them here:

Q: Who are you Tami? (Yolanda Happy-Goil Newell)

A: She said "I'm the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and the first thing you think about when you step out of bed in the morning. Also, I work in HR."


Q: Who's your stylist? (Jesslyn Ann Poulson)

A: She said "The Illuminati."


Q: With the quarantine, how are Tami and the Queen of Colors getting along? (Jen Rushforth)

A: Tami is a vegetarian so the Q of C doesn't feel threatened by her. Plus since Tami works in HR the Q of C is terrified of crossing her.

Half Ironman, 2019

The worst part of doing a half or full Ironman, besides the swimming, biking, and running, is the whole week leading up to the race. You're supposed to go to bed early and eat boring food, but not overeat, and say your prayers and stuff, and exercising that much self control for several consecutive days is torture.

By the time the race comes, I just want it to be over. I just want it to be over so I can go back to my usual lard-face slothful life.

I got to St. George for the half Ironman powered by your podcast recommendations, which you gave me on the Facebooks. Skylar couldn't ride down with me because he apparently loves his school and his future more than making me happy by keeping me company in the car for four hours.

He rode down with Bob and Cathie later that night. I'm told they sang 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, but they started with 12,000 because the trip was so long. They even stopped on the way and got matching tattoos of Celine Dion. Bob and Cathie now plan to sit on Skylar's side of the aisle at our wedding.

Joke's on them though: my side will have Celine Dion.

Then Saturday morning arrived. I got up at the ungodly hour of eleventy o' clock because for some reason they make everyone get to the lake TWO HOURS before the event starts.

Mansplaining

A few years ago I was at Bob and Cathie's house and I saw Bob's 1968 beautiful green road bike in a pile of junk. I asked my parents what they were doing with this bike and they were like "we're throwing it away because we don't value things anymore" which isn't exactly what they said but that's what I heard.

So I screamed at them a thing I've screamed at them before, which thing is why my garage is currently filled to capacity with a 1970s roll-top desk, various shelving units, and other odds and ends from the 80s, "IF YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOUR THINGS, I WILL."

As I was putting the bike on my bike rack on the back of my car, Bob was like "are you even going to use that?" and I was like "ONLY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE."

As of yesterday, that bike had been sitting in my garage untouched for three years.

Skylar is starting medical school at the University of Utah in the fall because he's a genius and he's going to give all of us free and invasive physicals once a year for the rest of our lives. He told me recently that he wanted to buy a bike to ride to school sometimes. So I told him he could have Bob's old bike if we could get it in working condition.

Yearbooks

Last week I posted about Stranger's tenth birthday (OMG Eli no way how is that possible you look so young yolo i no stop u guys srlsly) and I told you I would give one of you a Snuggie as a little celebration gift and if you wanted to be eligible you just needed to leave a comment. Then eleventy of you left comments and half of you were all like "I never comment I just lurk but I've been watching you for several years and never said anything and I have a dozen lockets of your hair and I used to have two dozen but I sold a bunch of them on the black market and I like that shirt you're wearing right now."

First of all, thank you. I like that shirt you're wearing right now. 

Second, thanks for finally saying hi. This reminds me of this one time I sat next to the same woman in four different classes over three full semesters in college and we never once said a word to each other or knew one another's names and then finally on the very last day of class and just a couple of weeks before graduation she turned to me, held out her hand, and said "Hi. I'm Amanda."

We're still friends.

Or this other time when I was in law school and I used to take the 6:00 AM bus three times a week to Salt Lake City because I was working at the AG's office and one morning I sat down next to a blonde woman but didn't really take a good look at her until an hour and ten minutes later when I stood up to get off of the bus and I saw that it was Heather, one of my favorite cousins.

My Falling Out With Jolyn Metro

One of my coworkers told me yesterday that his wife is very concerned about Jolyn. So much so that she asked him to check with me and make sure that "things are ok."

Apparently she has assumed that Jolyn and I had a falling out and for that reason Jolyn has been removed from Strangerville. FIRED. ELIMINATED.

This made me sad because I was really hoping people were instead developing my VERY PLAUSIBLE conspiracy theory that Meg has been slowly poisoning Jolyn for 18 months and she's coming after me next and by Christmas itjustgetsstranger.com and Strangerville will both be renamed almightymeg.com and Meg Worship, respectively.

WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

But apparently, instead, at least one person thinks that Jolyn and I split up because of creative differences like Simon and Garfunkel (obviously I'm Simon). But it's not true. Jolyn and I have NO creative differences.

Actually that's a lie. We have one significant creative difference.

We All Wear Masks

Ring ring

Skylar: Hello.

Eli: Someone called you a "hotty mc hotty" in the comments of something I posted on Stranger last week.

Skylar: Wait. I'm on your blog now?

Eli: You were last week. I hope you aren't in the witness protection program.

Skylar: Don't you have to get someone's permission to write about them on your blog?

Eli: Haha. Anyway, they also said there should be a website that has pictures of the hot people of It Just Gets Stranger but then they said something really hurtful.

Skylar: What?

Eli: They said that Tami better not be included on this site.

Skylar: That's not hurtful. This person sounds like a good a decent American.

Eli: No. This isn't right. She shouldn't be criticized like this so close to her birthday and right after we put all of that work into making an inspirational video to celebrate her.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Hello. Let me usher you into the greatest weekend of the year. PIONEER DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!

You guys. This is a magical year because Pioneer Day falls on Sunday so the State of Utah observes it on Monday, WHICH MEANS that Pioneer Day is basically two days this year. Also please don't forget that it's Tami's birthday and she expects to get a call from every one of you. Don't test her on this. She has anger issues.

Happy Pioneer Day(s). I love you.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Don't be a cliche, Macy.

Macy

I love titling posts with a female's first name because I know that at least 15% of you are terrified that I'm about to introduce you to one of Tami's family members. This is no such post, although I do think we need an update on Tami's newest hairstyle soon.

My sister called me the other day and asked me if I would watch their dog while they go out of town because "your entire social media presence is basically a virtual dog pound so we thought you wouldn't mind taking in another."

I never did think there would be a time in my life when anyone would consider me an option for dog sitting. But as I've explained on numerous occasions, Mr. Pants has changed my world view on everything.

I pretty much immediately and enthusiastically told my sister that I would gladly accept their request, in large part because they have a Boxer and I really wanted to post a picture of the dog to Instagram, including as a caption the lyrics to Paul Simon's "The Boxer" because I'm poetic like that.

Two days later, Macy showed up at my house.

Haterz Gonna Hate

Matt: You should make t-shirts.

Eli: Like, for my job?

Matt: For Stranger.

Eli: Oh. Well I did that once but then I stopped.

Matt: Why did you stop?

Eli: Because lazy.

Matt: Because lazy is why you do a lot of things.

Eli: Well, it's why I don't do a lot of things.

Matt: But I could help you and we could probably do it pretty simply.

Eli: What kind of shirts did you have in mind?

The Ten Most Annoying Instagram Posts

I'll start this off by admitting that I am a regular and unapologetic offender of at least some of these things on my own Instagram account. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OK DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO!!!!

1. Gratuitous selfies that have nothing to do with the caption:

OMG my totes BFF Tami comes back from her trip today i have missed her so much these last two days ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!! #loveher #bestfriend #myperson

THE GREATEST DAY OF THE YEAR!

You guys.

Are you sitting down? Are you in a padded room? Have you taken your Xanax? Is there someone around to restrain you?

You guys!

PIONEER DAY IS THIS WEEK!!!!

And now the July 24th Pioneer Day is even more special because it is also Tami's birthday!

I can't believe she's one already. So many hair styles in such a short amount of time.

In case you live under a rock and are somehow unaware of THE GREATEST HOLIDAY OF ALL TIME IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THE HOLIDAYS DURING WHICH THERE IS A PARADE AND SANTA ROLLS DOWN THE STREET IN A RECLINER:

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Did you guys hear that this weekend is The United States of God Bless America's birthday? Party hard, Strangers. Tami and I will be barbecuing if anyone wants to come over. She's in charge of the potato salad this year.

Also, my baby sister is emitting human life from her womb as we speak. Cathie keeps texting me things like "GET YOUR FANNY TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND SUPPORT YOUR SISTER AS SHE EXPERIENCES THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!" But I had to watch that movie in tenth grade health class so I'm shuffling papers in my office and pretending to be really busy until I get the "all clear" from Krishelle that the bad scifi scene is over. Then I will swoop in and steal that baby because it's my turn.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

With Mr. Pants on Father's Day

Massage Mishap

What I'm about to tell you may end our cyber friendship. I'm aware of the risks. But I feel like it's my civic duty to let you know about the incredibly disgusting thing I caused to happen this weekend. Because I'm incredibly disgusting. And practically banned from the entire state of Idaho.

I was invited to an overnight outing at a place called Lava Hot Springs. I said yes without realizing that I was going to have to cross state borders to get there. I had heard people talk about this town before but I never realized it was in Idaho, which might as well be NORTHERN ALASKA because I felt like we drove far enough to nearly reach the northernmost tip of the Earth. (Hi Lee! I have no idea where you actually are. I just always imagine that everyone who lives in Canada can walk to the North Pole.)

We arrived. It was a wonderful time. We floated in the Hot Springs. We wandered the town. We stayed at the creepiest bed and breakfast this side of the Mississippi. I think it may have been a Bate's Motel situation because I kept hearing Ms. Thang who ran the place talking to some man out in the hallway but when I would walk out there she was always alone.

St. George 70.3

I write to you now from somewhere over the Atlantic because, in a foolish daze a few weeks ago and at 2:00 AM from my office, I decided it would be a good idea to schedule an exhausting international trip for the day after the St. George Half Ironman. I'll touch base as I travel, assuming that I'm not locked up abroad or kidnapped and forced to work in a factory because according to Chase Bank, who refused to place a travel alert on my debit card minutes before I left for the airport, at least two of the countries I'm going to are on the "unsafe list." 

NOT THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING UNSAFE, CATHIE.

But about that race . . .

Rebecca and I made our way south to the St. George Half Ironman on Friday morning quite early, at a time when, according to Rebecca, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW!”

Contrary to my expectations, she was not cranky on the drive. But she did talk at me in one continuous breath, including a four-hour run-on sentence, until we pulled into the hot but beautiful southern Utah desert city.

Did Eli Get the Garbage Bins Out?

The Stranger community really pulled through this week. I got tweets. I got emails. I got Facebook messages. Several of you left comments on the most recent post. Comments which were entirely unrelated to what I had written that day. All efforts were made by Strangers everywhere to make sure that I, Eli Whittlebottom McCann, got the garbage bins out to the street by Wednesday morning.

On a side note, I'm starting to forget what my real middle name is anymore.

You guys. You started posting comments and sending reminders on Tuesday morning. And I was like, "gee thanks. While you're at it, remind me to retire when I'm 65." Because I really didn't think that reminding me that far in advance was going to be effective.

I knew on Sunday that the garbage bins needed to be out on the street Wednesday morning. It doesn't help me to remember that on Sunday. Or on Tuesday morning. Or at any other moment in time than on Tuesday evening at 11:38 PM, right before I go to bed.

The Wind Beneath My Wings

This thing keeps happening where Matt shows up and does all of this complicated and probably dangerous work in my house with minimal effort and only half his attention and it makes me think that I can also do all of this work. It seems so easy. Then he leaves his tools all over my place and so when he's gone I start picking them up and using them to break stuff that he then has to come back and fix.

I'm concerned that the price Matt pays for friendship with me is about one ounce of effort away from becoming too expensive so I've been trying extra hard lately to give him candy and tell him very nice things. Yesterday, for example, I sent him a text telling him that he is "the wind beneath my wings" after he told me he would be by at 6:00 to survey the damage from this weekend's solo attempts at home improvement.

I sometimes think Matt doesn't care about these pronouncements because he never responds to them. Matt has a generally cranky demeanor. He doesn't smile that much. And the majority of the time he is with either me or Rebecca, he scowls at us as we do or say whatever nonsensical thing we are doing or saying.

My Driveway

I think my house was initially built with horse and buggy in mind. At least, that's the only way I can explain the driveway. It's exceedingly narrow, and I don't really know why because there is definitely room on one side to expand a few feet and cut into the front yard.

The driveway is lined on either side with a cement wall that juts up from the ground about two feet. It serves as a retaining wall for the yard area that sits on the other side of it. The driveway is also very long, extending back beyond the house and to the garage that's in the backyard. 

Every single time I have to pull into or out of this driveway I feel like I'm flying that spaceship on Star Wars when they have to shoot perfectly into that one hole on the Death Star while flying down the ship's narrow canyon.

On a side note, I know that that last paragraph made me sound knowledgeable concerning Star Wars. I assure you that this is not true. Please do not contact me for a date simply because you like to dress up as Princess Leia. (Unless you also have lots of money and/or personally know Paul Simon, in which case, obviously do contact me for a date ASAP.) I'm still trying to stop the text messages from last April Fools' Day when Jolyn posted that ad on my behalf.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I looked out my office window today and saw the thing I dread most: a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.

And so it begins.

Someone please give me a reason to live.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions. (Please follow me on Instagram even though I take terrible pictures.)

Good to know that I may not be too old to have Cathie push me around in the cart. 

Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit?

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

How to Survive 48 Hours Camping in Civilization

Last week I went to the hospital for one of my heart tests. I wanted the ambulance to come pick me up and take me there because, I'm sorry, but I thought that was their job. But apparently it was "too expensive" and "unnecessary" and "Eli, please stop calling this number. It's only for emergencies." So I just had to drive myself.

Which brings me to my next point: if they aren't using ambulances to take people with enlarged hearts to the hospital, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN FOR.

Not to be dramatic, but can you say guv'ment conspiracy?!

I showed up bright and early to get something called a "holter monitor" strapped to my body. Homegirl be all like "go ahead and take your shirt off" and I was like "HOW DARE YOU!?" Because Cathie used to always say that if you just give it away without a little chase people stop wanting it. And I recognize that that might not apply in this situation but it's a universal rule I try to follow at all times just in case.