Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dentist Appointment

Announcement: I'll be telling a story on The Porch at 9:00 on Saturday night in Salt Lake City. It's the best story from my life--one some of you have heard, but with some new details and updates that nobody has heard yet. So please come join us if you can and be sure to say hi after. I've already promised to dress super slutty for it. FB event link is here or go to The Porch's site for info here.

Conversation at my Dentist Appointment Today Which I Wish was as Exaggerated as it Seems

Dentist: Welcome back. How have things been?

Eli: Well I tried to do an Ironman but it got cancelled BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CANCEL YOUR DREAMS.

Dentist: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Any pain since your last visit?

Eli: Not really any pain. Well, besides when my toenail fell off after a marathon in July. I named it "Tami."

Dentist: You named what "Tami?" The toenail?

Eli: No. The toe. Who names their toenails?

Dentist: Who names their toes?

Eli: Touche. Anyway, do you want to see her?

Dentist: Absolutely not.

Eli: Just as well. She looks bad without hair anyway.

Dentist: Uh . . . so have you had any problems since you were last here?

Eli: I had this weird fainting spell thing and they thought it was my heart but I thought it was bedbugs but DON'T WORRY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE BEDBUGS and now they think my heart is strong, which is good but then it just means that there's something else wrong with me and [in an ominous voice] sometimes not knowing is the worst part.

Dentist: So what do they think it is?

Eli: Ebola.

Dentist: WHAT?!

Eli: Oh I'm kidding. Is it not ok to kid about that? Sometimes I don't know what you can joke about and what you can't. Like this one time I said I was going to slap all the children in the grocery store and all of the moms on the Internet sent me angry emails.

Dentist: So it's not Ebola?

Eli: No. Just anxiety. MAYBE. That's the thing about not knowing. It means that you just don't know.

Dentist: Interesting. So back to my question, have you had any concerns since your last visit?

Eli: I went through a crappy breakup but that was months ago and I'm over it now.

Dentist: You know that I'm trying to ask you about your teeth, right?

Eli: What about them?

Dentist: How are they?

Eli: Oh they're fine, thanks.

Dentist: Sometimes I wish we hadn't answered that first phone call from you one year ago.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Oh, Eli.

    This is exactly how my doctor visits go, but he usually cares. He says I get stress ulcers because I don't vent enough. So, good for you! Get that stress out! :D

  2. How is it possible that you don't yet know that you only tell medical professionals about their specialties (eye doc wants to know about changes in vision, dentist wants to know about your teeth, chiropractor wants to hear about your back or sometimes your hips or knees), and you tell all the rest to STRANGERS?

    It's what we're here for, Eli. To learn about Tami and your breakups and your living-in-sin roommate and your cancelled Ironmans and your enlarged heart. The doc who diagnosed your enlarged heart only wants to know about your heart muscle, not about the emotional torments you put it through. Save ALL of that for us!

    By the way, you didn't mention your hair or Paul Simon. Both perfectly fabulous, I'm assuming?

  3. Please assure us all that your story on The Porch will be recorded and posted?! For those of us who live nowhere SLC but love your stories? :)

  4. What s great way to recap all of the goings on from the last few months!!!

  5. If you kept your clothes on the whole time HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SLOW CLAPPING YOU out of that office.

  6. How do any places of business allow you into their buildings? You'd think they'd learn by now and post security guards outside when they know that you're coming.


  7. This gave me a good laugh today. I love this. And I love that I could follow every reference.

  8. I'm just impressed you were able to get so many words in at the dentist. They almost immediately start shoving random bits and baubles in my mouth and THEN ask me questions that I can only grunt a response to.

    My dentist also lets us watch movies! I got halfway through America's Sweethearts on Tuesday!

  9. I for one am pleased that it seems as though you visit the Dentist a lot more often than the Doctor's. Because not going to the doctor is one thing, but not going to the Dentist is entirely another.
    By the way your hair looks gorgeous today and your teeth are super shiny!

  10. At this point I was mostly angry because she was being so STUPID. Her words were coming out but they made no sense. Was she serious? I am coming in for a $1,500 veneer and she's telling me I can't be 10 minutes late? I felt steam coming from my ears.