Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster

Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster,

I'm writing to you today because you keep leaving vague status updates on Facebook. I can only imagine you are doing it so others will ask you for details. Details that you never seem to give, even when asked.

I need you to stop. I need you to stop for you. For me. For everyone.

Have you ever heard of the term "cry for help?" That's what you're doing. You're crying for help. And you're doing it in a way that has been identified and mocked time and time again.

I need to make something clear, because it might not be clear to you. A "cry for help" is not a positive thing. I mean, it does bring some attention, but I'm guessing you prefer the kind of attention where people think good things about you. If that's the case, the cry for help isn't taking you anywhere you want to go.

When you leave a status update that says, "I never thought I would be this angry!" you imagine that people are audibly responding at home, "GASP! What could possibly be going on!" You hope they will comment on the post "what happened girl?!" which will only prompt you to leave more vague comments in response, like, "oh, certain people. I'm so frustrated."

I'm on to you. I know your moves.

And I want you to imagine having that conversation in real life. I want you to imagine every one of your Facebook interactions directly translated into face-to-face conversations.

You run into Jenny at the mall. You say to her, "The best day ever!"

Jenny responds, "Super! What's happening girlfriend?"

You give her a smiley face. On your face. Which means, you just smile. And maybe wink a little.

Jenny smiles back and says, "You totes deserve it!"

And then you walk away.

Lacking? Yes.

But what's more, that same conversation on Facebook isn't just with Jenny. It's broadcast to Jenny, and your mom, and Tom, and Alex, and hundreds and maybe thousands of other people, all at exactly the same time.

And yeah, maybe Jenny thinks you totes deserve that best day ever. But the other 743 people who see your similarly vague status updates multiple times a day are all doing a cost/benefit analysis about dropping you as a friend on Facebook. Most of them compromise with simply removing you from their feed, which you won't have any way of knowing about. This results in way less attention than you would have gotten without leaving the vague status update in the first place.

I'm here, writing you this letter, your own PSA, to tell you that this is not what you really want. This behavior makes you look unstable. And not the cutsie let's hang out with that person because she takes adorbs pictures of herself wearing a vintage outfit that matches the food she's eating while sitting in a fountain in a major city kind of unstable, which I think is what you're going for. It's more like the she draws on her jeans kind of unstable. Which is a type nobody should be going for.

Don't feel too bad. I actually like you. That's why I added you on Facebook in the first place. Or maybe I accepted your request. Who can remember?

I want to know why it's the best day ever. Or why you are so angry. Or why you left the club crying. Or why you're so done with everything. When you leave these vague status updates, all you're saying to me is, "I have news that is extreme and that you would want to know but I'm not going to tell you what it is."

I tried to have a vague-off with you recently to see if you would get frustrated enough to see the error of your ways. You won. Which means everyone lost.

Your Status Update: I just don't even know why I try anymore. :(

My comment: Yeah girl! They just won't listen to me. :(

Your comment: Can't bother with it. That's all.

My comment: I think I'm finally just going to do it once and for all!

Your comment: Me too. We'll see if it works . . .

First of all, I hope I didn't just talk you into killing someone. Or doing something worse, like watching Glee. But second, what the crap were you talking about? And why wouldn't you ask me what the crap I was talking about?

A new rule to consider: If you don't want people to know the details about something that happened to you, don't mention the emotion or the conclusion that the details prompted in the first place.

I don't know if this is a problem you can fix. Maybe it isn't. But it's been going on for years and I felt like it was finally time to say something.

And until you do fix this, I'm going to assume you meant to add the following words to the end of every vague status update you post: "and that's why I keep wetting the bed."

For example:

"I should have known better . . . and that's why I keep wetting the bed."

"You burned me once. Never again. And that's why I keep wetting the bed."

"What's the point in trying when nobody appreciates my work? That's why I keep wetting the bed."

I will then leave you comments about techniques to help you deal with the problem. Like, "K-mart has plastic sheet covers on sale for $9.99. Good luck!"

Please change.

Sincerely,

A Friend Who Just Wants To Help

P.S. I do like the passive-aggressive status updates so keep those ones up, if you don't mind.

~It Just Gets Stranger

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