Cathie's Number One Valentine

A package came in the mail the other day. Guys, the best thing in the entire world? Getting a package. No wait. The best thing in the entire world is actually when you get on Hulu to watch the latest episode of your favorite show and you find out that you somehow missed a week and there are TWO new episodes and ohmygosh this is why I'm alone again on Valentine's Day.

But the second best thing in the world? Getting a package. Especially when you're away from home.

This package was from Bob and Cathie. Although Bob clearly had little to do with it. Unless he too has started using bright smiley-face stickers and writing in gigantic squiggly handwriting things like, "you are momma's star!" and "XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO [repeated for an entire page]."

It was a Valentine's Day package. And Cathie came through. She came through with notes that say things like, "you are your mother's number one Valentine!" and "it's ok that you don't have anyone this Valentine's Day because you always have your mommy!"

I've never known another person who can make someone feel more depressed by being supportive.

And by the way, Cathie. You think you're going to fool me with that "number one Valentine" talk? My siblings and I share information with each other. I know you told Krishelle the same thing. One of these days you're going to have to choose, once and for all, which of your children is actually your number one Valentine. We've been letting you get away with this two-faced behavior for a number of years now. We demand you make a decision already and stop playing us.

Twice up the barrel, once down the side, Cathie.

But in any event, you're a pretty awesome mom. Bob, you're a pretty awesome dad, too. Even if you aren't contributing to the smiley face stickers and XOXOXOs.

And for all of you out there who don't have a Cathie in your life to fill the void of pathetic romantic-aloneness, I decided to pay it forward by being here for you today.

You are my number one Valentine. You beat out the Queen of Colors, The First Eye, Lohan the parasite, Larry the Wetsuit, Paul Cyclemon, and the Stormtrooper.

I care about you so much that I had a group create this music video for you in the '80s.

Go look in your refrigerator. That thing in there that you like? I snuck that in when you weren't looking.

The newspaper you got on your doorstep today, I delivered that. (If you didn't get a newspaper on your doorstep today it's because your neighbor who secretly loves you heard that you're my Valentine this year, got jealous that someone else is giving you attention, and stole it).

I asked your local grocery store to have some Ben & Jerry's ice cream waiting for you in the freezers. I wasn't sure which flavor was your favorite so I had them put out a bunch of options. When you get there, ask for the store manager and say to him or her "I understand you have some Ben & Jerry's ice cream here. I came to collect." They'll know what you mean.

I also arranged for your favorite radio station to play some Valentine's-Day-appropriate songs today. Just. For. You.

I'm thinking about you right now.

I'm writing this for you right now.

I'm watching you right now. And by the way, that shirt looks great on you. I like the darker one better, but you pull this one off really well.

You're not really alone on Valentine's Day, because you have Stranger. And Stranger would never let you feel alone on Valentine's Day.

That's why I'm also going to provide something special for you: a generically worded message that you can copy and print onto a card to leave out so your coworkers and family think that you have a significant other:

Hey babycakes,


You are my whole world. I love you like cats love tuna. You better be able to free your whole schedule up for tonight because I have so many big plans for you.

Love


Pat

There. Now go home an eat ice cream by yourself.

~It Just Gets Stranger