A Letter to the Married People

Dear Well-Meaning Married Friends,

I’m writing a letter today on behalf of all single people everywhere, past and present. The board of directors for the Singles Association of the World (SAW) got together and asked me to be the voice of the entire community to articulate an important message to you today.

First, we want to say that we love you. But there are some things we really need to bring to your attention. Because you don’t seem to realize what you’re doing. And sometimes what you’re doing is obnoxious. And we know that you don’t want to be obnoxious so we’re ready to be open with you and help you stop the behavior. So below, we discuss some of things that you could start working on.

We would like for you to please stop pitying us. We are all single for different reasons. Some of us are insanely more happy than some of you. Some of us are insanely more miserable than some of you.  Some of our happiness and some of our misery may be related to our relationship status, and some of it may be wholly separate from it. The point is, your life is not automatically better than ours simply because you’re married and we’re not. And we find it offensive when you act like you believe otherwise.

Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster

Dear Vague Facebook Status Poster,

I'm writing to you today because you keep leaving vague status updates on Facebook. I can only imagine you are doing it so others will ask you for details. Details that you never seem to give, even when asked.

I need you to stop. I need you to stop for you. For me. For everyone.

Have you ever heard of the term "cry for help?" That's what you're doing. You're crying for help. And you're doing it in a way that has been identified and mocked time and time again.

I need to make something clear, because it might not be clear to you. A "cry for help" is not a positive thing. I mean, it does bring some attention, but I'm guessing you prefer the kind of attention where people think good things about you. If that's the case, the cry for help isn't taking you anywhere you want to go.

When you leave a status update that says, "I never thought I would be this angry!" you imagine that people are audibly responding at home, "GASP! What could possibly be going on!" You hope they will comment on the post "what happened girl?!" which will only prompt you to leave more vague comments in response, like, "oh, certain people. I'm so frustrated."

I'm on to you. I know your moves.