We Are Very Angry With Matt

Matt has decided to move away from us, which is absolutely a hate crime and an act of terror. He sprung the news on us a few months ago.

"I'm buying a house in Las Vegas because I hate you and refuse to consider your happiness as I make my big life decisions." 

Ok, he didn't say that last part out loud but that's what I heard nevertheless. 

Obviously we are not pleased with Matt leaving us, but we are even more not pleased with his outrageously unfair decision to take Mr. Ollie Pants with him. Ollie has tried to remain neutral in the matter because he doesn't like to see humans at war, but I'm certain he's devastated about the whole thing. 

The move is happening at the end of the month and since Matt already sold his house in Salt Lake City, he has taken up residence in our basement temporarily. Or so he thinks because he doesn't know we've purchased chains and an incredible amount of dungeon equipment that should keep him in place for many years to come.

He showed up over the weekend with a bed he decided he doesn't want to take with him on his move of betrayal. We spent the better part of the evening folding a queen sized mattress in half and shoving it down the narrow set of stairs in my house that was built for malnourished 19th century pioneers. Now he's spending the week cleaning stuff and fixing shit in an effort to fool us into not being mad at him. And we hate that this is working.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We are so very overdue for a Pictures & Distractions post and I have some fun stuff to share with you. So here it is. 

Matt turned 40. The birthday bash wasn't quite as big as we had planned, but, you know. Pandemic.

Indogpendence Day

Yesterday was Independence Day (happy birthday, America. Sorry your party sucked.)

Normally we throw a Fourth of July party where all of our friends come over and lick their hands and touch each other and cough into our open eyes but we decided not to do that this year because, you know, Rona.

The lack of social engagements in 2020 has been a super interesting thing for this extrovert who has knitted two sweaters, three scarves, a hat, and has run nearly 1,000 miles in the last three months and I'm sure none of these things are related. But honestly, I've settled into this and I've been able to find joy in the lessened social chaos.

I'm still working from home and plan to maybe forever? We've seen my family here and there, but not much because Bob & Cathie don't want us to give them the Rona. I have a lot of friends who are worried about their parents and grandparents because they don't feel like they are taking social distancing and mask wearing, etc., seriously enough. I'm grateful that I haven't had that problem with my own parents, but I wouldn't mind having Cathie come over and make comments about my yard that are definitely compliments but worded just so I'm not confident about that ("Oh! I would have never thought to plant a rose bush that close to that tree that I didn't realize people liked!").

We miss our old folks.

The Thing About 2020

I have two friends who tested positive for the Rona recently. I won't say their names here because of HIPPO or whatever. I don't know. I don't really know anything about law.

The point is, this was kind of shocking because these two friends live together and they've been sequestered in their house since just before the war; they've been taking social distancing very seriously and they have jobs that have allowed them to work from home. Neverthenotwithstanding, they were marked with the great 2020 curse.

They were fortunate because their symptoms were never really all that bad. Just coughs and fatigue. But the thing is--no matter how bad your Rona is, you really have to turn yourself into a pariah because you aren't any less contagious. Apparently. I don't really know that either. Because science.

Knowing this, Skylar and I offered to deliver groceries and so forth but these friends are good pioneer women with eleventy decades of food storage so they were actually pretty prepared. But after a week of this they thought of one thing they could use so I picked it up at the store and took it to their house.

They were sitting out on the front porch, feeling not too bad. I stood out on the sidewalk and chatted with them for a while, a full 30 feet away. I didn't touch anything. I even left the groceries on the sidewalk for them to come out and pick up after I left.

I know that I didn't get coronavirus from them. I know this. It's honestly impossible. If I somehow got sick from that, we are all doomed.

What are you watching?

We're all binging TV shows and movies right now and that's ok. If there is anyone in your life telling you that is not ok, you should get new people for your life.

I can't imagine what social distancing would be like without streaming. You guys. We would have to read books and talk to each other and stuff.

I've honestly been a little surprised that I haven't been watching really that much more TV in the last few weeks than I was previously consuming. Then yesterday I thought about it and realized it would have been kind of hard to starting watching more than I already was. And that made me a little sad about myself. And empty inside. So I filled that emptiness. WITH MORE TV.

I know y'all are already aware that Meg and I record a podcast called Hive Mind where we talk about what we're watching. Bonus this week, Skylar joined us so we could blab about Survivor. And by "we" I mean "I, while Skylar supportively nodded like a good Stepford wife."

By the way, Meg and Clint Betts are doing these daily live shows from The Beehive, mostly to give Utah updates on COVID-19 stuff. They've been amazing. You can find them at noon on The Beehive's Twitter or Facebook accounts (or watch them after the fact). Sometimes they have me on so I can tell stories, usually about poop or vomit. I was on today. You can find my story below around the 20-minute mark. Sorry my hair looks so great.

Beehive Live - April 7, 2020 https://t.co/HNSbYfSZ6Q

— The Beehive (@TheBeehiveHQ) April 7, 2020

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

All y'all, Strangerville Live is NEXT WEEK. It's in Salt Lake City on Friday, March 6 at 8:00 PM. There will be snacks. We are bribing you with food to get you there. We usually only try to bribe you with promised nudity!

I went to Jolyn's apartment the other day and held her dog on my lap while she practiced her story in front of me. Then I told her she was pretty and I would vote for her for president because that's the kind of friend I am.

Her story is wonderful. So are the others. You need to come. Get your tickets here. Bring friends. Tell them the event is featuring a series of lectures on the breeding habits of silk worms. That way they'll be pleasantly surprised when they get there and find out it's really a series of lectures on the breeding habits of chickens.

So come.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

We've joined a cult. 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Two days ago I got on a flight and I was seated next to a middle aged man who AND I'M NOT JUDGING seemed a little cranky. I'm not judging because planes. Planes are terrible. I get it. I'm usually in a bad mood, too. But I smile through the tears so people mostly don't know it.

Anyway, after we were seated for a minute or two he suddenly extended his hand in my direction and I don't know. I don't know why. But I immediately thought, "well this jolly man wants to make my acquaintance!" and the next thing I knew I was shaking the hand of a cranky seatmate who was absolutely not intending to shake my hand but instead was just reaching for his seat belt.

AND I HAD TO SIT NEXT TO HIM FOR THE NEXT ONE HOUR AND TEN MINUTES.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Hi I just took Duncan outside and he didn't want to walk in the snow so he just stood on the patio for five minutes so I walked into the snow to show him it was ok and I pretended to go potty in the yard in hopes this would encourage him to do the same and it did not work and he just stood there and watched me and in the process I stepped in dog poop because it snowed before I could get out and clean up the month-worth of dog poop back there so now it's all buried in snow in places I can't see MERRY CHRISTMAS.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Snuggle times with Mr. Pants

Our Snowy Graveyard

Last week we went to Vancouver Washington for Thanksgiving. Skylar grew up there and all of his family still lives in Vancouver or across the river in Portland so the whole place has become sort of a second home for me over the past several years.

I don't know what possessed us to decide we should try to drive this time. We did this for Christmas in 2017 and the drive from Portland to Salt Lake City through a 300-square-mile blizzard on un-plowed roads was so terrifying that ever since I've been about 25% convinced we may have died and we've just been living a Sixth Sense unfinished business ghost situation. Which would really piss me off considering that I've been going to work and doing laundry for the last 2 years like some alive idiot.

I guess we mostly did it because we wanted to bring Duncan. We invited Matt and Ollie to come along, too, and so we just sort of thought it would be a lovely coming-of-age story about three friends and two dogs who drove across the country and learned some things about themselves along the way.

It all started to fall apart before it even began. Skylar bailed on us a few weeks before we left, deciding that since he was done with school several days before Matt or I could leave work, he would just fly one-way to Portland early to spend more time with his mother. I suggested he sell his umbilical cord to pay for his ticket and he thought that joke was very funny but didn't show it at all and instead glared at me and stomped out of the room and then later his mother told me the comment wasn't appreciated. The point is marriage is going extremely well.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Apparently Bozo the Clown died. Matt just told me and then scolded me for asking who that is. Which reminds me, I called Skylar "the ol' battleaxe" last weekend and he said he had never heard that term before and didn't know what it meant. I think this means I married a child? The thing is, I didn't even know this was an old phrase.

This is almost as bad as when, a mere five days after our wedding, I referenced "the original Parent Trap" and he responded "the one with Lindsay Lohan?"

I'm telling you. Nearly got divorced that day.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I haven't done Pictures & Distractions since before the war so here you go. I know you've been praying for this. You know mamma doesn't like to let her babies down. And neither do I.

So, yeah. Your Pictures & Distractions:

"hi can we com in end talk 2 u about jeezus"

Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt

I got in trouble tonight. We went to Matt's house to pick up Duncan because he and Ollie have been on a 7-day back-and-forth sleepover date.

We pass the dogs between our two houses because we've decided they are sad when they aren't together because they are probably distantly related. How we know about our canines' complex emotions and preferences is unclear, but the point is, they have them, we know what they are, and we are willing to grossly inconvenience ourselves to acknowledge them.

Going to pick up Duncan wasn't the mistake, though. The mistake was what I was wearing.

I'm living something of a Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt with Matt, Adam, and Skylar right now. Our version is much more competitive and deceptive than the one from those novels.

You see, Adam had this t-shirt that Matt stole when he discovered it fit him perfectly. Adam saw Matt wearing it one day and asked for it back because, although not the exact same size as Matt, he said the same t-shirt fit him perfectly.

I took it from Matt's house one day after working in Matt's yard with him and wanting to change my clothes. That's how I discovered this magical shirt fit me perfectly.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

What a week.

Duncan is sitting here on the couch with me. We are watching tv. Sort of. He's more focused on a bone and I'm more focused on this. Skylar is still at school. It's 9:00 and he keeps facetiming me to tell me he's bored. We are getting married in two weeks, if he can find a few minutes to attend his own wedding amid his stress. I can't tell you how strange it is for me to be thinking in school terms again. I'm rambling.

Some Pictures & Distractions:

Planted my new pots.

Horses

On Saturday we decided to take Ollie and Duncan for a hike. We drove to the Uintas an hour and a half from Salt Lake City and found an 8-mile trail on which we would hike 8 miles and Duncan would hike somewhere around 20 because of the constant sprinting ahead and then back to us and then ahead and then back to us forever and ever until we got home and he went into the house and immediately got his ball and dropped it at my feet so he could play a never-ending high energy game of fetch SOMEONE FIGURE OUT HOW TO HARNESS THIS DOG'S ENERGY TO POWER THE PLANET.

Duncan is great off-leash, as long as he doesn't see a motorcycle, at which point he will chase and attempt to eat it. But since we were in the mountains and far from any motorcycles, we didn't have to worry about this.

The trail we hiked was not crowded. We came across more cows than people. For some reason there were dozens of cows just wandering the area. Standing in the middle the trail. Standing next to the trail. Staring us down like we had invaded the farm.

The dogs didn't seem interested in the cows, mostly refusing to even look at them. The cows similarly didn't seem interested either. Nonetheless, I would typically scoop Ollie and Duncan up and carry them whenever we encountered the farm wildlife, mostly because I wasn't sure they had ever seen cows before and I didn't know how they would react.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I'm getting yelled at right now because I just admitted to Skylar that the reason Duncan got up in the middle of the night last night and wanted to play was because I woke up first had to give him so much tickles. So I better go. But anyway, enjoy some Pictures & Distractions:

They took our photos for The Beehive. Sorry if my hair broke your computer.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's about 24 hours before our show. I told Meg and Jolyn I don't know what to wear so they've been having me text them pictures of possible outfits I could wear. Meg finally chose something. So if you don't like what I'm wearing tomorrow, please @ Meg, which is a thing the kids do when they're mad.

And also, come to our show. Get tickets here. It's going to be fun. I half promise.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

He had a stressful morning so we went and got a puppichino.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

You guys--people are mad right now and I can't hold them off any longer. All of a sudden in the last couple of weeks I've had multiple Strangers out of the blue write concerned and angry messages about where the hell the Traveling Snuggie™ ended up. I was hoping y'all would forget about it if enough time passed because I was too scared to tell you that THE TRAVELING SNUGGIE GOT STOLEN BY TERRORISTS. I think. Or it just got lost. All we know after extensive investigation is that it is missing due to the fault of no one except for the terrorists somewhere near Iowa or Ohio or one of those states that decides all our elections.

I've been thinking for a while that we should just start a new Strangerhood of the Traveling Snuggie quest but I haven't done it yet because lazy and tv and eating. So, you need to tell me if I should make this happen again.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

With tons of help from our friend Emily, we finally fixed up my dad's 1968 bike.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's been raining in Salt Lake for eleventy days and #We'reThankfulForTheMoisture but the problem is I now have a mushroom garden in my entire lawn and it's stressing me out because I'm no farmer. So the other day I was out in the front yard scooping them up to throw them away and Skylar saw me doing it so he shouted at me "DON'T EAT THOSE THEY ARE POISON."

It was one of those moments where I suddenly got some unexpected insight on how little he thinks of my judgment and general knowledge.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

My momma made me a quilt for my birthday.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I came home and found that my rhubarb plant, which I'm convinced could survive a nuclear blast on Venus during Coachella, has basically filled my backyard. So I chopped up a bunch of it and boiled it in some carrot juice (#juicing #newyearnewme), sugar, and cinnamon for many moons and now I think it's jam? I don't know. It's still a little soupy, but the internet says it will thicken as it cools. I think. It's delicious, and that's what matters.

The point is, Skylar just informed me that he's going to write on my tombstone "I didn't really follow a recipe" because I say the phrase so often and because he thinks it perfectly sums up my life. I can't tell if that's sweet or insulting. But also, it's adorable that he thinks he's going to outlive me.

And now, your Pictures & Distractions:

We always just take the nicest pictures together. 

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

We're babysitting Mr. Ollie Pants this week because Matt is in "Miss'ippi." What this means is I've got a very judgmental dog following me around all day every day looking up at me like he's disappointed and I know this makes me sound a little crazy but I've been cleaning more than usual because of it.

IT HAS HUMAN EYES, YOU GUYS.

See below in this week's Pictures & Distractions: