Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt

I got in trouble tonight. We went to Matt's house to pick up Duncan because he and Ollie have been on a 7-day back-and-forth sleepover date.

We pass the dogs between our two houses because we've decided they are sad when they aren't together because they are probably distantly related. How we know about our canines' complex emotions and preferences is unclear, but the point is, they have them, we know what they are, and we are willing to grossly inconvenience ourselves to acknowledge them.

Going to pick up Duncan wasn't the mistake, though. The mistake was what I was wearing.

I'm living something of a Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt with Matt, Adam, and Skylar right now. Our version is much more competitive and deceptive than the one from those novels.

You see, Adam had this t-shirt that Matt stole when he discovered it fit him perfectly. Adam saw Matt wearing it one day and asked for it back because, although not the exact same size as Matt, he said the same t-shirt fit him perfectly.

I took it from Matt's house one day after working in Matt's yard with him and wanting to change my clothes. That's how I discovered this magical shirt fit me perfectly.


Look. I struggle finding t-shirts that fit me well. They are either way too long or short enough that I show my midriff when I raise my arms only like this high [raises arms not even that high] and I'm just tired of turning everyone on like that. But the bigger problem is if I get a medium or small it doesn't leave enough room for the girls [cups both boobs] but a large is usually a tent on me.

So t-shirts are hard. They almost never fit me well.

Until I found the Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt.

This t-shirt:

Matt almost ended me over taking this shirt from him. But if you just tell him he's skinny and then bring up Home Depot he usually gets distracted and forgets the topic.

I stole the shirt about a year ago and decided I just needed to be careful to never wear it in front of him or Adam, and I was doing a pretty good job for a while. The shirt and I were really having a very nice life together. It even fit me perfectly when I had a work-induced nervous breakdown and then like 20 gallons of ice cream fell into my mouth accidentally for a few months.

This shirt was there for me. Only like one other thing has ever been there for me as much as this t-shirt and that's TV.

From time-to-time Skylar would try to wear it because he swears it fits him perfectly, too, but I have fought him off, reminding him that all clothes in the world are made for him and his store mannequin-sized body specifically so he can let me have this one thing.

Well, I made a misstep tonight when I went to Matt's house to pick up Duncan without realizing I was wearing the t-shirt. I walked in. Matt looked at me, he looked away, and then his eyes darted back at my torso.

"MY. SHIRT."

He said it more like an accusation than a declaration.

Then he looked back at my eyes, his brow furrowed, his lips pursed, his whole body waiting for an explanation about the thing he had forgotten until just then.

"Did you see they rearranged the paint section at Home Depot again?"

This time in Strangerville, Meg and Eli have guilty consciences. And a woman tells the story of her worst ever blind date that would. not. end.

Story

Marathon Date, by Krishelle McCann

Production by Eli McCann & Meg Walter

~It Just Gets Stranger