Sunday, September 15, 2019

Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt

I got in trouble tonight. We went to Matt's house to pick up Duncan because he and Ollie have been on a 7-day back-and-forth sleepover date.

We pass the dogs between our two houses because we've decided they are sad when they aren't together because they are probably distantly related. How we know about our canines' complex emotions and preferences is unclear, but the point is, they have them, we know what they are, and we are willing to grossly inconvenience ourselves to acknowledge them.

Going to pick up Duncan wasn't the mistake, though. The mistake was what I was wearing.

I'm living something of a Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt with Matt, Adam, and Skylar right now. Our version is much more competitive and deceptive than the one from those novels.

You see, Adam had this t-shirt that Matt stole when he discovered it fit him perfectly. Adam saw Matt wearing it one day and asked for it back because, although not the exact same size as Matt, he said the same t-shirt fit him perfectly.

I took it from Matt's house one day after working in Matt's yard with him and wanting to change my clothes. That's how I discovered this magical shirt fit me perfectly.

Look. I struggle finding t-shirts that fit me well. They are either way too long or short enough that I show my midriff when I raise my arms only like this high [raises arms not even that high] and I'm just tired of turning everyone on like that. But the bigger problem is if I get a medium or small it doesn't leave enough room for the girls [cups both boobs] but a large is usually a tent on me.

So t-shirts are hard. They almost never fit me well.

Until I found the Homohood of the Traveling T-Shirt.

This t-shirt:

Matt almost ended me over taking this shirt from him. But if you just tell him he's skinny and then bring up Home Depot he usually gets distracted and forgets the topic.

I stole the shirt about a year ago and decided I just needed to be careful to never wear it in front of him or Adam, and I was doing a pretty good job for a while. The shirt and I were really having a very nice life together. It even fit me perfectly when I had a work-induced nervous breakdown and then like 20 gallons of ice cream fell into my mouth accidentally for a few months.

This shirt was there for me. Only like one other thing has ever been there for me as much as this t-shirt and that's TV.

From time-to-time Skylar would try to wear it because he swears it fits him perfectly, too, but I have fought him off, reminding him that all clothes in the world are made for him and his store mannequin-sized body specifically so he can let me have this one thing.

Well, I made a misstep tonight when I went to Matt's house to pick up Duncan without realizing I was wearing the t-shirt. I walked in. Matt looked at me, he looked away, and then his eyes darted back at my torso.


He said it more like an accusation than a declaration.

Then he looked back at my eyes, his brow furrowed, his lips pursed, his whole body waiting for an explanation about the thing he had forgotten until just then.

"Did you see they rearranged the paint section at Home Depot again?"

This time in Strangerville, Meg and Eli have guilty consciences. And a woman tells the story of her worst ever blind date that would. not. end.
Marathon Date, by Krishelle McCann
Production by Eli McCann & Meg Walter

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Sorry Meg!

  2. Krishelle's story made me yell out loud at my phone about eleventy times. I felt like I was suffocating listening to that.

  3. I am so glad that Krishelle didn't explain the beer! That guy didn't deserve an explanation of any kind after a marathon date. Can we make marathon dates illegal?

  4. This story is amazing. Skylar should be in more episodes!

  5. Have you tried buying another shirt from the same company? Can I buy you your own shirt because it makes me sad to think of Ollie and Duncan's parents fighting? Sincerely, a mom who is feeling so mom-like as I type this

    1. This was my thought too. Check out the tag and then do a little online sleuthing. Not only could you buy ALL of you a version of this shirt, but then order one in every color/print so you'll have a whole wardrobe of perfectly fitting shirts and stop turning on the neighborhood when you wave.

  6. That date. Oh my word. I just wanted to go home the whole time and I wasn’t even there.

  7. Can you put it on your wedding g registry?

  8. Okay - so Meg and Skylar are WRONG for making fun of you for the question about DVRing from Hulu because YOU TOTALLY CAN!

    They can't have Hulu Live (which I completely recommend and Hulu should totally start giving it to me for free given how much I advertise for them). Hulu Live is basically cheaper cable. I can see all the stuff I used to be able to see with basic Hulu PLUS I can see live television (i.e., you don't need CBS All Access or an antennae to watch Survivor in real time), AND you can DVR shows that you wouldn't be able to get with basic Hulu.

    For example - Survivor. As I noted - you can watch it real time with Hulu Live. But say you have a class to teach (because you're a hot new college professor now) the night it's on. You can't just go get it with basic Hulu because basic Hulu doesn't offer CBS shows (I know because I had to give up Blue Bloods when we cut the cable originally). AND - you can't DVR from an antennae. However, you CAN DVR it with Hulu Live!

    True fact.

  9. I've had both negative and positive experiences interacting with someone I almost hit. The positive was I was driving to work. Got off the freeway and the exit had a crosswalk. As I was turning right off the exit I almost hit a pedestrian and it was 100% my fault. I pulled over to make sure he was okay and he didn't even raise his voice at all. He was fine, he just told me to be more careful, look both ways. And that he understood, I was probably running late for work, yadda yadda. He had a reason to yell, but he didn't even seem mad! That amazes me to this day. There are so many variables to how a person will react, but I hope to be more like that man. Contrast that with a woman cussing me out when I don't even know what I did wrong. Of course you want to make sure someone is okay when you almost hit them, but if they choose to keep being angry the best thing to do is roll up your window and drive away. They want to get a reaction out of you so they can keep yelling and tell you you're stupid. They've made their decision to be angry, nothing you can do.