Tuesday, December 22, 2020

We Are Very Angry With Matt

Matt has decided to move away from us, which is absolutely a hate crime and an act of terror. He sprung the news on us a few months ago.

"I'm buying a house in Las Vegas because I hate you and refuse to consider your happiness as I make my big life decisions." 

Ok, he didn't say that last part out loud but that's what I heard nevertheless. 

Obviously we are not pleased with Matt leaving us, but we are even more not pleased with his outrageously unfair decision to take Mr. Ollie Pants with him. Ollie has tried to remain neutral in the matter because he doesn't like to see humans at war, but I'm certain he's devastated about the whole thing. 

The move is happening at the end of the month and since Matt already sold his house in Salt Lake City, he has taken up residence in our basement temporarily. Or so he thinks because he doesn't know we've purchased chains and an incredible amount of dungeon equipment that should keep him in place for many years to come.

He showed up over the weekend with a bed he decided he doesn't want to take with him on his move of betrayal. We spent the better part of the evening folding a queen sized mattress in half and shoving it down the narrow set of stairs in my house that was built for malnourished 19th century pioneers. Now he's spending the week cleaning stuff and fixing shit in an effort to fool us into not being mad at him. And we hate that this is working.

I really only have myself to blame for this mess. Just before the beginning of These Unprecedented Times I foolishly decided to set Matt up with my friend Jace. I met Jace many years ago when we were both totes straight and into sports games and trucks bro. We sort of lost touch and then last year I found out he was a raging homo so I immediately set him up with the only other gay I know.

I knew they'd be a good match for many reasons. The main ones: both are responsible and quietly non-dramatic and too pretty for their own damn good. 

But I didn't realize they were going to immediately fall in love and then decide that they needed to start a new life together in Satan's butt crack.

I tried to inform them that it's very hot down there but they said they already knew that and that this was basically the reason they wanted to move there. That, and because Matt's childhood best friend Gabby lives there and she and I have quietly been in a very brutal human tug-of-war for many years. One which she has apparently now won.

I met Matt just before I came out. He's been like family to me (and to my family) ever since. I love the hell out of him and don't tell him I said this, but I'm outrageously happy that he has found so much happiness and I'm even probably happy for him that he's so excited about moving and starting a new chapter.

But I'm not going to let him know it until he paints my garage.

P.S. Please enjoy this week's Strangerville:

This time in Strangerville, Meg and Eli are pro Big Brother and hereby welcome government surveillance into their lives. Also, a woman finds herself in a bind when her mother sets her up for a sleepover with a girl from school she barely knows.


Sleepover, by LRE (music by Ayla Nereo)

Production by Eli McCann, Meg Walter, & The Beehive

~It Just Gets Stranger



    But also...at least Nevada is next to Utah, right? Like I moved from Washington State to Washington DC and now I have to fly and pass through THREE TIME ZONES to see friends and family.

  2. I’m sorry he chose satan’s butt crack over the promised land. Mostly sorry we won’t get any more Ollie photos. Thanks a lot Matt!

  3. Why did Matt not run this decision by all of us first?! He's going to have to send you daily Ollie pictures for you to share with us. This is simply inconsiderate.

  4. The good news is you love southern Utah, so it’s really only a two hour drive if you’re already down there visiting the not snow part of Utah. Aka the best part.

  5. Matt may do what he likes and we will always love him. BUT WE RETAIN CUSTODY OF OLLIE. If you failed to include that in all the legal documents, I have to begin to question your prowess as a legal eagle.

  6. My 6 year old was standing next to me when I opened the blog to read this post. She asked if this was the pet store website. I was confused till I realized there was a chicken at the top and a photo of Eli and Duncan in the Twitter feed.

  7. Will you be holding auditions to replace Matt/Jace? Where do you apply?

  8. Hilarious!! Was there any alcohol involved during the writing of this??
    Because hands down, I think this is the funniest thing I've ever read of yours. I hope there was alcohol.
    P.S. sorry for your loss

  9. I don’t have anything witty to say because sadness. And anger...or something that simmers just below anger. But the rage is just kind of a baseline 2020 feeling, too, so it’s hard to say how much is actually directed at Matt.