Sunday, December 6, 2020

Good Ice Cream

Look. You know me. You've been reading this site since you were mumble mumble years old. Since back before the war. Since the days of Blockbuster and Myspace. You used to read this site gulping a Surge and listening to Alanis Morissettes's's's new album.

We go way back, you and me and you and so forth. We go back so far we need a chiropractor to fix it. That joke probably doesn't make sense, but we are so bonded together that you didn't even question it and in fact found yourself suddenly ready to fight anyone who planned to come at me in the comments. And we're so tight that you don't even care about that fact that I censor that crap and don't allow negative comments here because I'm blogger's deep state.

So, since we are so bonded together, you are 100% ready to side with me in my absolute rage at my husband, who, as you know, swore on his eternal soul to worship and serve me, and he swore it IN FRONT OF THE PEOPLE WHO USED TO CHANGE OUR DIAPERS at the most expensive party we've ever thrown and which "we can totally do all of that within budget" but which we absolutely did not do within budget.

My husband. Skylar whatshisname. That man. That mannn. Yesterday. He was at the grocery store, and he called me and said "what do you need? I'll grab what you need while I'm here, if you'll tell me."

I thought, wrongly, what a thoughtful husband I have and deserve. I shall communicate the most basic of all messages at him and surely there will be no problem and he'll do exactly the right thing.

Well, Stranger, who has been with me since Bill Cosby was still whatever, my husband failed. And you'll agree with me once you hear the rest of it. Both because you are loyal to me and because what he did was objectively wrong.

"Yes. Please get some GOOD ice cream." I told him. "Not that shit you keep buying."

And look. I know this is a family show and I'm sorry that I swore in front of you. But. BUT. Skylar Westerdwhozitwhatsit. has been buying vegan gluten free sugar free happiness free this or that all year because "I'm sorry that I want you to live a long life" or something. And I've tried to stop him, but to no avail. So I've complained to him about this excessively and in detail.

He should know when I tell him that I'm no longer willing to put up with his attack on my most basic joys that I expect absolutely reasonable behavior out of him. ABSOLUTELY. REASONABLE.

"Good." I had said. "Ice cream." I had said. "Get some." I had said.

I communicated that extremely basic message to this man, who is expected to assign every cell of his gluten free vegan ice cream being to absolute loyalty to me.

Thirty minutes later he returned home. 

"I got you the ice cream you requested," he said, in a, frankly, argumentative tone.

And then he pulled it out.

And reader.



I'm not lying to you when I say that what he bought.

What my dragon slayer and future mother of my children bought.

Was not normal, good, ice cream. It was not the ice cream of national heroes and interesting people.

It was. Plain. Vanilla.

This. This is what MY HUSBAND. The one who swore before all the angels in heaven at a party where I had to pay a mother f-ing company to rent TABELCLOTHS. A party where my bank account was drained so a dozen children we're related to could eat a meal in the mountains. Where that husband swore to make my life better. This is what he bought to fulfill my order of "good ice cream."






Well, when I threw an absolutely appropriate tantrum over this he rolled his eyes and told me that if I wanted something different I should be more specific. 

He acted like this was somehow my fault.

He acted like I was somehow the unreasonable partner in this partnership of dishonor. 

I think we may have rushed into marriage.

Please enjoy some Strangerville as a chaser to the horrors I just fed you.

This time in Strangerville, 2020 has ruined our ability to actually gauge our own productivity, Meg is terrified for her child to become a teenage boy one day, and a woman ends up at the center of a police investigation after stumbling upon a shocking scene in her college apartment.


Dead Cow, by Laney Hawes (Music by Jackson F. Smith)

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Salted caramel sauce and you’ll get it, I promise. TRYYYYYYYYYYY IT. also, everything in this blog post was accurate and I’ve been here so long I’m a notary for this blog now and I verify it so it’s legal in every state in the US of is it still an A or is it like a C- now? Anyway, repeat after me: salted caramel sauce. (Or chocolate, but slightly not as amazing)

  2. Salted caramel sauce and you’ll get it, I promise. TRYYYYYYYYYYY IT. also, everything in this was accurate and I’ve been here so long I’m a notary for this blog now and I verify it so it’s legal in every state in the US of is it still an A or is it like a C- now? Anyway, repeat after me: salted caramel sauce. (Or chocolate, but slightly not as amazing)

  3. I have 2 rules in my life: 1) never trust a human who says "picher" instead of "picture", and 2) never trust a human who defends vanilla ice cream. Get out of my life vanilla picher people.

  4. Vanilla ice cream is only appropriate as a component in a full ice cream sundae or banana split--as a pretext for eating deluxe toppings, essentially--or as a side to something richer. Vanilla ice cream + apple pie? Good. Vanilla ice cream + triple chocolate something? Acceptable. Vanilla ice cream + hot fudge + peanut butter swirl + brownie chunks? Understandable. Vanilla ice cream + unspeakable acts? I'm listening....

    Vanilla ice cream + no further dessert plan? Abhorrent. Skylar should know better. (and also should know who John Denver is, especially at this time of year, where we celebrate our Lord and Savior Jim Henson and his Muppets (no offense to our real Lord and Savior, but sometimes we need some piggy pudding badumdumdum))

  5. I think Sky was just getting you ready to make another "Great British Bake Off" cake, chocolate of course, to go WITH that vanilla ice cream. C'mon, you need a break from knitting anyway!!

  6. Make home made hot fudge and it'll be fine. Correct ratio is 2/3 hot fudge to 1/3 I've cream. And be thankful that you can just eat any ice cream. I have a sensitivity to guar gum, which is in pretty much every ice cream, including the vegan/gf/lactose free stuff. Ah, the freedom of being able to just eat any ice cream! Now make that hot fudge.

  7. Mississippi mud sauce is another solution. Also, we literally send pictures of what we need at the store. And I fully expect at least 3 phone calls while husband shops. Vanilla is one of the few people in my house like. So boring. Of all the flavors,in all the grocery stores, in all the world, they come home with vanilla.

  8. Is it at least French Vanilla with all it buttery deliciousness? That my go-to when I can’t decide on a fancy flavor. It is perfect with my Grandma Vera’s hot fudge sauce. I’m happy to share the recipe.

  9. Is it at least French Vanilla with all its buttery deliciousness? That’s my go-to when I can’t decide on a fancy flavor. It’s perfect with my Grandma Vera’s hot fudge sauce, and I’ll be happy to share the recipe. If you can make a cake, or your hair always looks good, you can make this sauce!

    1. I would LOVE Grandma Vera's hot fudge sauce recipe. Ain't nobody got time for ice cream foolery when there's a good spoonful of fudge sauce!!

      Also, Eli, I have 'fond?' memories as a child of my dad 'promising' ice cream as we'd pull into the grocery store on the way home, to only get home and discover he'd bought ICE MILK which is a watery, flavorless version of your favorite ice cream flavor. Another attempt to control my weight when I was a child (as I look back and realize in therapy, lol).

  10. We’ve been with you so long that Blogger/Blog Spot was still a relevant thing. Twice up the barrel, once down the side.


  11. Your hangry rage is your best rage.

  12. Husband and I had a similar argument. I didn't know ice cream was supposed to be one of the "must always get" items on the grocery list. I forgot - once - the way he acted I have never forgotten ice cream again. HOWEVER - one time I got ice cream sandwiches instead of the chocolate fudge brownie cake batter cookie dough caramel ripple peanut butter whatever that he loves. He stared at me and told me that ice cream sandwiches are NOT ice cream - they are sandwiches and therefor a protein! So I had to go back to the store and get his happy ice cream.

    Since the kids moved out I now get the really good stuff - Ben and Jerrys. Haven't had a complaint since.

  13. But what brand of plain vanilla ice cream did he get? Was it at least a good brand full of fat and happiness?

  14. But what brand of plain vanilla ice cream did he get? Was it at least a good brand full of fat and happiness?

  15. My husband and I have had the opposite argument many a time. I would bring him ACTUAL GOOD ICE CREAM and he would be like "but where is the plain vanilla". It took me a couple years to realize he was SERIOUS and the man is never happier than when he has plain vanilla ice cream, especially if it is topped with toasted almonds (fresh from the oven). I still buy him Good Ice Cream sometimes because if I do, I usually get to finish it for him, and I like to think I'm slowly converting him to the ways of Actual Good Ice Cream. Call it empathetic activism, with a side of extra ice cream for me ;)

  16. Is he still mad about your questionable finding skills? What other explanation could there be for this attack?

  17. Best hot fudge sauce will solve all your problems:

    1 1/2 cups white sugar
    6 Tbsp cocoa powder
    1 can evaporated milk
    1/4 cup butter
    2 tsp vanilla

    Combine sugar and cocoa in saucepan. Add evaporated milk. Bring to a boil. Boil gently 5-6 minutes until sauce thickens, stirring frequently. Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla. Enjoy!

  18. I feel you on the overly-responsible-health-eccentric-husband situation. My own lover in the nighttime has tried substituting CLASSIC, MEMORIALIZED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH with wheat germ and such nonsense because he wants to "help me make good choices when I stress eat". This is not the sham I signed up for!

  19. This just means that you have an excuse to buy aaaaaaaaallllll the toppings. All of them. As much chocolate and marichino cherries as you could possibly want. Slather some nutulla on a banana, crumble some graham crackers. Go nuts.

    It's the only way.

  20. Oh my gosh! I lived in the apartment just above her and her twin sister when this happened! She was in my student ward. I even still have the newspaper clipping about the cow.

  21. I totally lived right above their apartment at Ricks when this happened! Everyone screaming at like 530 in the morning. I even have the newspaper clipping somewhere when it was reported in the paper.

  22. Apparently I’m not very tech savvy and thought it wouldn’t post the first time.