Polar Plunge

A few weeks ago when I was in San Francisco I got to hang out with Disney Prince Hair Brandt for three days because he loves Full House so much that he lives there now. I told Brandt that I was training for the same Half Ironman race that he and I did together in 2014 HOW HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG ALL OF YOU HAVE GRAY HAIR NOW.

Four years ago when Brandt and I were training every single day for this race, I learned very quickly to dread being in the pool with him for two big reason:

1. I am the slowest swimmer since the Titanic and Brandt is basically Michael Phelps if Michael Phelps only applied himself like 80% and had the hair of a Greek God, so swimming laps next to him was a completely demoralizing experience.

I mean, look at those locks. 

Pressure on the Barrel and Fullest House

Several of us from various parts of the country descended upon San Francisco at various times on Thursday.  We had planned to spend a weekend hanging out in the city and heading up north to Napa Valley.

Disney Prince Hair Brandt lives in San Francisco now despite my repeated efforts to talk him into moving back to Salt Lake City so I can finally have some competition around here [runs a greasy comb through hair].

Look. I've never really spent time in San Francisco. I don't know much about it. I have no business being there.

BUT, what I do know is that Danny Tanner raised Olsen Twins in one of those houses and so there was absolutely no way I was going to leave the city without finding it.

I told Skylar this. He and I both had some free time on Friday morning while everyone else was working, and so we ventured off together to find the Full House house.

Skylar could not have been less interested in this activity, and I'm 120% convinced that he was intentionally singing the wrong words to the wrong song all morning just to irritate me. (He was singing "Our house--in the middle of the street" but he wasn't even getting those words right and then he would break into the "everywhere you look!" part of the Full House song but instead he would sing "everywhere you go, everything you do" and this was wrong and it was unacceptable and I needed him to just stop AND WE SHOULD JUST TOTALLY STAB CAESAR.)

My Falling Out With Jolyn Metro

One of my coworkers told me yesterday that his wife is very concerned about Jolyn. So much so that she asked him to check with me and make sure that "things are ok."

Apparently she has assumed that Jolyn and I had a falling out and for that reason Jolyn has been removed from Strangerville. FIRED. ELIMINATED.

This made me sad because I was really hoping people were instead developing my VERY PLAUSIBLE conspiracy theory that Meg has been slowly poisoning Jolyn for 18 months and she's coming after me next and by Christmas itjustgetsstranger.com and Strangerville will both be renamed almightymeg.com and Meg Worship, respectively.

WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

But apparently, instead, at least one person thinks that Jolyn and I split up because of creative differences like Simon and Garfunkel (obviously I'm Simon). But it's not true. Jolyn and I have NO creative differences.

Actually that's a lie. We have one significant creative difference.

My Conversation with Laura Linney

Natalie: Oh my gosh. That's Laura Linney ten feet in front of us.

Eli: WHAT?! WHERE?

Natalie: . . . ten feet in front of us.

Eli: I'VE NEVER MET HER!

Natalie: Should that be a surprise to me?

Eli: She's just standing there! Right. There.

Natalie: Yeah. So she can probably hear you. Because you're talking super loudly.

Eli: What are we supposed to do in this situation?! HOW DO I EVEN LOOK OMG MY BREATH!!!?

Natalie: I'm guessing from the tone of your voice and the fact that your words aren't making sense that you like Laura Linney?

The Top Ten Most Viewed Stranger Posts, 2014

Every time I get on Facebook right now there are a thousand posts that are like "check out Amy's year!" and then you can click on it and scroll through a thousand pictures to see what Amy ate in 2014. And I'm always like, WHY? And then I click on it and scroll through every picture.

Then I thought, why not do the same thing with Stranger?

I've been meaning to start this thing every year where I give you a list of the ten most viewed Stranger posts of the year. But I've just never gotten around to it in the craziness of the end-of-year holidays. And I don't even know if this will be a post anyone cares about. But at Stranger, YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!

It's been a wonderful year at Stranger. I'll have the full year recap post up next week. But let me just say now, as I've said before, thank you so much for your kindness, your humor, your friendship, and all of the strange parts of you. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

And now, without further ado, the 2014 Top Ten Most Viewed Stranger Posts:

Ten Weeks Is Not Very Long

I looked at the calendar the other day and YOU GUYS. The Ironman is ten weeks away. How did this happen? Remember when I did the half Ironman in May and when it was over you guys were like, "you have PLENTY of time, Eli! Rest for a little while! Take a break! Your hair looks amazing and we all heard that NASA is planning on naming its next project after you because your hair has become the poster child for consistency in the world."

You guys. I remember you reassuring me that the full Ironman was so far away and that I had nothing to worry about.

Well now it's ten weeks away. I knew it was coming up because I was starting to get daily reminder emails from Bob and Cathie.

From: Bob and Cathie
To: Eli
Subject: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO US?!?!

Son. Have you booked a hotel room in Tahoe yet for the weekend of the Ironman? Your father and I booked ours WEEKS ago and we had a hard time finding a place. We have been bugging you about this and you haven't been responding to us. It's making us very nervous. Why haven't you given us grandchildren yet? Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

Candy from Strangers

You guys. Traveling from Krakow Poland to Salt Lake City, Utah, United States of God Bless America, was probably the most arduous journey anyone has ever taken. I'm including even the time the Mormon pioneers crossed the plains and had to eat doilies to stay alive. Did the Mormon pioneers have to take a train and then have THREE layovers before making it to Salt Lake City?

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

We had to fly out of Warsaw, which meant we had to frantically get ourselves, via a four-hour train ride, from Krakow to Warsaw to catch a 6:00 AM flight. Then we flew across the world and stopped in every country along the way. I'm pretty sure we even had a layover in Palau at one point. I could tell because when I got off the plane I immediately started sweating, I gained 30 pounds, and Leotrix attacked me.

A Walk Through Kyiv

We landed in Kyiv Ukraine on Friday afternoon after twenty or so hours of traveling. Brandt had never been to this part of the world before and didn't know what to expect. In a way, I didn't either. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that we had been obsessively checking the news every day for updates on the unsettling situation in Ukraine, wondering whether going was really a good idea.

A few months ago I wrote about what has been going on in Ukraine this year. We've seen it on the news, day-in and day-out, since the beginning of 2014. The turmoil started when a few peaceful protesters in Kyiv's center square were brutally attacked at the orders of one of the world's most corrupt presidents. The response to those attacks was swift, and in the coming days, thousands, and at some points hundreds of thousands, stormed the streets.

The fighting between the protesters in Kyiv and the group hired to put an end to things turned the center of Kyiv into a horrific war zone, so dramatic that the photos we saw online looked like something out of a sensationalized Hollywood movie. Then, finally, just a couple of months ago, the president was forced to flee Ukraine or stay and answer for his crimes against humanity. He fled.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I have some news that is about to change your lives. Well, maybe not change them. But I suspect that you'll be excited to hear this news. Or you'll be at least interested. Or mildly intrigued. Or . . . well if you're not at least mildly intrigued then I don't know why on Earth you even come here. (Note: the answer is BECAUSE WHAT IF PAUL SIMON).

Phone conversation today:

Eli: Hello?

Daniel: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

Eli: Oh dear.

Daniel: Guess who lives in Salt Lake City now!?

Eli: You are going to cause chaos in my life.

Daniel: I'll do my worst!

Eli: The timing is suspicious and I'm suddenly not convinced that you and Rebecca aren't the same person and this isn't some kind of Mrs. Doubtfire situation.

Daniel: Pardonnez-moi?

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

Paul Cyclemon, waiting in transition.

Because Apparently I Think I'm Anderson Cooper Now

So I'm turning thirty at the end of next week. I remember so well when I was 21 and my friend Paula came to town to visit and she told me that she had just turned thirty and I was like, "HOW ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE?!"

Suddenly thirty doesn't sound all that old.

Nevertheless, I feel the need to go through some sort of early mid-life crisis so I bought eye cream a little while ago and also whenever a Spice Girls song comes on the radio I'm all, "TURN IT UP!" because that's what the kids are listening to.

When I found out that Rebecca was going to be moving to Paris, I thought it would be a perfectly good idea to fly out there and spend my birthday in the city of love where I could practice the one French word I know. #HomeAlone

St. George Half Ironman

I was so nervous heading down to St. George to compete in the half Ironman this weekend. So many mixed emotions hit me in the weeks leading up to it. There was a lot of excitement, typical of anticipation for a big race. Some nerves. And some fear.

Ironman has been a long-time goal of mine. I decided early in my twenties that I wanted to complete one by the end of my twenties. And here I am. I've attempted the full Ironman once and had a very traumatic experience doing so. And I turn thirty in about two weeks.

Brandt and I were concerned about being able to complete the half Ironman. The St. George course is very difficult. And having not finished a triathlon before and having trained through the winter in Salt Lake City, we weren't really sure how prepared we were. We knew that the final cut-off time for the race was 8 hours and 30 minutes, and having failed to make the 17-hour cut-off time in 2012 when I attempted the full distance, I was very afraid of a repeat performance.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

I'm in a car now with Disney Prince Hair Brandt, pointed toward St. George. I'm not driving! Let's all calm down. I don't text while driving OR blog while driving. I only eat, brush my teeth, change my clothes, and occasionally nap. You guys, the half Ironman begins in about 36 hours. I'm mostly freaking out because of the race but also kind of freaking out because Brandt just told me we are out of gas and I haven't seen civilization for a LONG time.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions.

Rebecca bought this lamp for me. Actually, first she bought a different lamp and I told her I wanted this one instead. And she had to venture back out into the rain for it. BECAUSE I'M THAT KIND OF PERSON.

Descending and Climbing

Every day that passes I get a little more freaked out about my future. This is because the part of my future that is freaking me out is starting to feel more like the present.

You guys. Remember how I'm doing the Ironman again? Remember how this is all completely your fault since you were supposed to stop me from doing this and encourage me to eat ice cream instead? Remember how I've been there for you at every significant moment of your life but the ONE time I needed you to be all, "Eli! Close that computer right now and don't you DARE register for something you are just going to complain about for the next year!" instead you guys were watching tv and not paying attention to me?

I bet you were watching Glee. I believe that Glee is somehow responsible for all of this.

Well, sadly, the St. George Half Ironman is NEXT. FREAKING. WEEK.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Last night I hosted the weekly Survivor party at my place (is anyone out there watching Survivor?). I'm trying to turn the party hosting into a cutthroat competition by having good food available and sucking up to all of the attendees by complimenting their hair. Mr. Disney Prince Hair (Brandt) and I alternate hosting it and every week great efforts are made to outdo the last attempt to win the affections of others.

So yesterday I decided to make banana bread. Living-in-sin-roommate, Rebecca, who swears that she can't eat anything that is considered "food" by respectable society, mentioned that I could try to make this bread gluten free. She then pulled out what I now believe was just sawdust and suggested that I replace the flour with it. So I did as she asked.

Is there a disease where your body can only process foods that have gluten in them? Because I think I have that.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

From my bike ride this week up the canyon. I almost died of overexertion getting to this point. Please tell me the Ironman is going to be all down hill.  

St. George Misery

This weekend Brandt (AKA Mr. Disney Prince Hair) and I ventured south to the magical land of St. George Utah. We thought this was a good idea because the half Ironman in St. George has somehow become only four weeks away and we thought the trip would give us an opportunity to check out the course. Also, I hoped that I could get some of my the-last-time-I-was-here-I-almost-drown-in-the-lake anxiety out of my system.

We showed up on Friday and arose bright and early Saturday to attempt a swim. I busted out Larry the wetsuit (he says "hi" by the way). We peacefully wandered down the dock. Put on our goggles. Did some arm stretches because that's what other people were doing. And then jumped into the water.

WHY THE HELL MUST ALL WATER BE SO COLD?!

State of the Union, Spring

About six months ago I moved back from Palau to the United States of God Bless America. And when I did, I had a hard time updating you all on the millions of life changes that happened at once AND keep talking about how Trixy Meowman's most recent grooming went. I got a bunch of questions at the time from Strangers who were starting to feel like my general and consistent story-telling was reaching the nonsensical level of Glee. So I finally did a post called "State of the Union" to give you a quick answers to some of your questions.

I realized recently as I glanced back through the past couple of months on Stranger that while I have posted regularly, there are some pretty significant life changes that I have failed to discuss. As a result, you guys aren't completely aware of absolutely everything that I'm doing all of the time always. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE FUNCTIONING!

Messing with People on Tinder

Last week I was hanging out with my friend Brandt at his place. Then I took his phone and started Tindering for him. In case you're unaware, Tinder is what the kids are calling a "dating app" for the phone where you connect with people based on whether or not you think they are attractive and then you start chatting with them. Brandt, being the beautiful man of wonder that he is, has many Tinder matches. But after I got done contacting these matches, he probably won't have many Tinder dates.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend, Strangers. I just ran on a treadmill for 90 minutes. It was the worst 90 minutes of my life. Besides every 90-minute period of every single scout camp I ever went on.

And now, your Pictures and Distractions:

My new sunglasses and old duck face. I texted this picture to Jolyn 20 times in one day. She never responded and I haven't heard from her since.