State of the Union, Spring

About six months ago I moved back from Palau to the United States of God Bless America. And when I did, I had a hard time updating you all on the millions of life changes that happened at once AND keep talking about how Trixy Meowman's most recent grooming went. I got a bunch of questions at the time from Strangers who were starting to feel like my general and consistent story-telling was reaching the nonsensical level of Glee. So I finally did a post called "State of the Union" to give you a quick answers to some of your questions.

I realized recently as I glanced back through the past couple of months on Stranger that while I have posted regularly, there are some pretty significant life changes that I have failed to discuss. As a result, you guys aren't completely aware of absolutely everything that I'm doing all of the time always. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE FUNCTIONING!

Daniel Discovers Stranger

Daniel called me the other day. We hadn't talked for a little while. The following conversation happened.

Daniel: Eli. I canNOT believe you shared that video with people.

Eli: What video? What people? I WAS YOUNG! I NEEDED THE MONEY!

Daniel: Huh? I'm talking about the Amazing Race video.

Eli: Oh. That. You think I shouldn't have shared it?

Daniel: Eli. It was SO embarrassing.

The Crack of Dawn

Yesterday morning I awoke to the sounds of a screamed obscenity.

It wasn't me, although it could have been and has been on many prior occasions.

Kurt and I are early risers. This is a new thing for me. In Palau Daniel usually peeled me from my bed about five seconds before it was time to leave for work (assuming he hadn't already woken me up by meowing and clawing at the window after his early morning run). Then I spent the hours of 8:00 to noon playing "I wonder if I could fall asleep on that" in my mind.

Moving back to the United States of God Bless America seems to have completely rebooted my sleep schedule because now I seriously cannot get up early enough in the morning. I LOVE it.

It was like my body was trying to find one more way to make me an 80 year old man. And it was all, "hmmm . . . let's see. He already yells at children. He already watches Matlock. I got it! Let's have him wake up at 5:00 AM for no reason at all!"

Palau Ruined Me

I left Palau just two and a half months ago.

Really? Is that all? Does it seem like it's been a lot longer than that to you guys? Someone get out a calendar and help me learn how to read it. Right now I'm just going off of feelings.

I actually think I might have a disability that keeps me from being able to read calendars and follow directions correctly. Even when that lady on my phone tells me how to get somewhere, I always end up somewhere else (typically inside Cafe Rio, eating a burrito the size of my arm). And then usually I find myself screaming obscenities into the open air until someone takes my hand and guides me the rest of the way. Which is probably how I ended up getting Axel the ringworm. And throat chlamydia.

I've had a lot of gross diseases lately.

And before you roll your eyes and tell me that there is no such thing as a disability that specifically targets the ability to read calendars and follow directions, I have to say that if there really is such a thing as "color blindness" then my disability is real too.

Throat Chlamydia

Ring Ring

Val: Hello?

Eli: DID YOU KNOW THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THROAT CHLAMYDIA?!

Val: . . . Eli?

Eli: I feel so gross right now! You have to help me! What are we going to do?!

Val: So . . . wait. What?

Eli: Throat chlamydia, Val. I was just at the doctor and she told me about it.

Val: Um . . . Eli, what did you do in Mexico last week?

Eli: NOTHING. I just slept on the beach and visited my grandma. That's why it's so unfair if I got throat chlamydia down there.

The Tinder

This week on “things the kids are doing” I bring you something called “the Tinder.”

When I got back from Palau I came quickly to find that every single person in the greater Salt Lake area was in a serious relationship with every single person in the greater Salt Lake area. I was feeling left out because the only successful relationship I was in was with my plant O2, which Anna Swayne attempted to kill with neglect and guile. I guess I also have the Vietnamese tailor next door who has told me more than one time in the last two months, “if you come back I KILL you.”

Note: I do consider the Vietnamese relationship to be a successful one because there was a period in which she had some of my clothes in her possession and the last time I was in her shop I was touched more than I have been since that time a cat jumped onto my lap and tried to get under my shirt during a red-eye flight to New York in 2010.

The Snapchats

Yesterday:

Woman on the News: Up next, we're going to talk about text bombing and how it might be hurting your child.

Eli: What on Earth is "text bombing?"

Kurt: I don't know. A thing the kids are doing.

Eli: The kids are doing a lot of things lately.

Kurt: You need to research this.

Eli: Why me?

Kurt: Because, that's your thing. You research the things the kids are doing.

Whelp, TIME TO MOVE AGAIN!

I woke up this morning at 5:00. Started singing at the top of my lungs. Dance-walked to the shower. Sang at the top of my lungs there, too. The usual morning routine.

What's that? What was I singing? NEVER YOU MIND what I was singing. It doesn't matter for the story.

Ugh. Fine. I can tell you won't be able to focus on anything else until I tell you. It was "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got! I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the bl--"

No. You know what. I'm going back to my initial position. It doesn't matter. Guys. I still know where I came from.

Kurt was screaming for the insanity to stop by about 5:15.

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SHUT UP!"

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy Friday. I hope we're all on sugar highs from stealing children's Halloween candy. If anyone gets judgmental, tell them you're doing it to fight children's diabetes.

I had a weird night. I'll tell you about it next week if I haven't blocked the whole thing.

And now, your pictures and distractions.

After several days of [whining] "I'm too old for Halloween! I'm not dressing up!" Kurt spent an inordinate amount of time making this happen.

The Many Lives of O2

I have a plant named O2. I know I've mentioned him before. Usually when I've mentioned him it's because I'm comparing myself to all of my peers who practically have grandchildren by now and I want to make sure everyone knows that I have taken on responsibility in my life as well. Because I have my plant.

O2 and I have been together for 15 years now. He is a part of me and I, him. My uncle passed away when I was 14 and someone, I don't remember who, gave Bob this small plant with a nice card. Bob passed it off to me and I began caring for it. O2 grew and grew. We've been through so much together. I've seen him outgrow several pots. I've watered him. There was one brief period of awkwardness when he went through puberty and I did not. But I'm not angry with him anymore.

My time will come, too.

Moab

Over the weekend a few of my closest friends and I headed south to Moab, Utah, to explore Arches and Canyonlands National Parks. These places are quickly becoming a couple of my favorite spots on God's green brownish-redish Earth.

This was the first time I've gone down there without Daniel, who doesn't live close enough right now to join the weekend getaways. Coincidentally, this was also the first time I've gone to Moab without having someone meow songs into our ears for the entire three-hour drive.

Below, pictures courtesy of Maggie Liveri.

Unintentional modeling with Anna and Kurt in front of Delicate Arch.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

It's been a long and exceedingly difficult week here in Salt Land. Maybe when my head stops spinning I'll tell you about some of it. But for now, let's just enjoy some pictures and distractions.

Happy weekend, Strangers of the world. Stay safe.

Walking home from work at 4:00 in the morning. 

Cologne

Recently I was informed by a multitude of individuals that apparently "smelling good" is not a thing I'm good at. I'm good at a lot of things. I know the Heimlich maneuver. I can quote word-for-word the entirety of Pee Wee's Big Adventure. There's a magic trick I can get any child under age seven to be impressed with. Etc.

Before "recently," I would have included in the list of things that I'm good at, "usually smelling fine." But then that multitude of people stepped in to clarify.

Here are some quotes from people on the topic:

"You know, you usually don't smell good." Kurt

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend, Strangers. I hope you all have a nice one. My 10-year-old niece called me late last night to remind me that I said she could come stay with me Friday night. I picked up the phone and asked her why she was up so late and she emphatically explained, "I need to know if I can still come over. I just CAN'T sleep until this is resolved."

I hope this kid never runs for president.

And now, your pictures and distractions:

Kurt and Hannah at the Farmers' Market.

Roommate Assessment

Val: Kurt, what's it like living with Eli?

Kurt: It's a little challenging.

Eli: Guys? I'm right here.

Val: Shush. The grownups are having a conversation.

Kurt: It takes a lot of energy and I don't always understand why the things that are happening in my life are happening.

Val: I bet. Is it ever scary?

Lamps

There's this really serious problem that I have that I didn't realize I had until I moved back to Salt Lake City. It's sort of a subset of a greater problem that I did know I had. And, well, I guess I'm finally ready to declare it publicly:

My name is Eli McCann, and I'm a lamp hoarder.

"Hi, Eli."

Oh gosh. That was hard to get out. But the first step is admitting there's a problem. Step two: talking about it. Steps three through fourteen: ice cream and cheesecake. Step fifteen: reward yourself by buying another lamp.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Happy weekend, all. A huge thanks to those who came out to The Porch last night and said hello. It was fun to meet some of you. And due to recent accusations from some of you, I tried to be SUPER friendly and at one point Jolyn had to pull me aside and tell me that it's not ok to touch people I don't know and ask to try on their clothes. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this whole "interaction with others" thing.

And now, your pictures and distractions:

Axel is dying! Unfortunately he is not taking all of my freckles with him.

Emergency Contact

One more reminder that The Porch is on Thursday evening. Doors open at 8:00 and the show starts at 8:30. I think there are still tickets and you can purchase them here. Also, I know that even when they sell out online, they usually reserve some for the door so if you can't get any online and you want to try to show up and buy tickets at the door, that may be an option.

We're hoping to record it and upload the video to what the kids are calling the Youtubes like we've done in the past, but Jolyn has informed me that the camera she was going to use is no longer available. (I can only assume she has murdered the person she was planning to borrow it from). So hopefully we'll be able to secure a different one by Thursday. I just wanted to warn you, though, in case it doesn't happen . . .

And now,

A Conversation with Kurt Today about Being My Emergency Contact: 

Axel

Remember last week when I was worried that I maybe had skin cancer? With my particular kind of skin (cough--FRECKLES--cough--hash tag, searchingforacure), skin cancer runs in the family and is, unfortunately, something that really concerns me. Bob had skin cancer a number of years ago. Fortunately it was caught early and he's ok now. But I don't want to join him in the "survivors" group.

Bob McCann: Navy vet + cancer survivor + once tackled an angry 18 year old kid in a doctor's office before the kid attacked a doctor - won't eat cheese x prank calls 1-800 numbers = father of the century.

When I saw a terrifying mark on my arm a few weeks ago, I was sure it was going to be skin cancer. Guys. I lived on the Equator for a year. OF COURSE it was going to be skin cancer. Even though I was really careful in Palau. I wore sunscreen. Plus I didn't go out into the sun that much because I was usually inside crying.

Pictures from my Phone & Weekly Distractions

Another week has come to a close here in Strangerville. Remind me next week to give you the update about the thing on my arm. Oh, and if you see me before then, DON'T touch me. My ringworm, Axel, is looking for a place for his 5 million babies to live.

And with that, I give you this week's pictures from my phone and weekly distractions.

My adorable niece (the one who hates me). Also, Bob looks like he might be having a stroke in the background.