When I bought my house in 2014 the inspector guy showed up and kicked the tires and then told me the place was unlikely to collapse but that my A/C unit was from The Year of Our Lord 1776. It was actually used as the desk on which Thomas Jefferson signed the Declaration of Independence.
I didn't want to buy a new A/C at that time because I priced them out and found out that A/C units actually cost more than the International Space Station and since I had just spent eleventy billion dollars purchasing and furnishing a house, that wasn't going to happen.
Every summer I conduct a full seance in order to get the thing to kick on and start working for the year. I have literally made eternal promises to Satan I cannot possibly keep in order to get my house to cool down every July. I'm terrified of the day I have to explain that to him. It's seriously going to drive a wedge in our friendship.
As it turns out, although 2020 so far has been a really phenomenal year with next to zero adversity or problems for anyone, I suddenly could not longer put off replacing this thing. I had noticed our power bill was exponentially increasing, the A/C was almost constantly running without ever actually cooling the house much, and whenever it kicked on all of the power in the house would flicker and an angel would die.
So I finally called a company I've previously liked and had them come out to replace it. A few days later two pimple-face teenagers showed up and spent a full day in my basement beating my furnace with weapons of war and loudly discussing which female celebrities were "hot enough" that they would deign to date them. They were on the fence with Gal Gadot. They had a hard time deciding if she could persuade them into a sexual relationship.
I guess, in my naivete, I assumed it's pretty easy to replace an old A/C unit. Sort of like a refrigerator you just plug in. Either I was incredibly wrong about that, or these kids were just hanging out at my house for fun. By the time they left they both had sweat pouring from their faces and they looked like they needed a long nap.
They drove off with my old A/C unit, presumably to drop it off at the Smithsonian.
Now my house is cool, my lights are no longer flickering, and 2020 has been completely saved.
~It Just Gets Stranger
I have been swearing, chanting and offering illicit favors to my central air for about 3 years now. I had a nice little replacement fund started, bit two hospitalizations and two surgeries later, not so much. The AC is the problem right now but the furnace is actually much older, so the recommendation is to do both, but that's about as financially viable as funding a private space shuttle to Mars for all us Strangers. So we wait and chant and swear and offer sweet nothings to the appliances. Wish us luck.
ReplyDeleteYou use the AC in January?
ReplyDeleteI MEANT JULY AND I PROBABLY HAVE MENOPAUSE ANYWAY
Delete...you cool your house in January? Winter? Why? Or have you forgotten months and meant June? Or do you secretly live in Australia?
ReplyDeleteI had just assumed you told the Devil "January" as a way to confuse him when you were making your shady deals.
ReplyDeleteThis year was the year of the AC too. Sure, last winter the furnace couldn't be bothered to really work, and my bedroom low (with the heat on and the windows shut) was in fact 47* at one point but I was like, it's ok. The pipes won't freeze at that temperature and I can wear a hat to bed like people from fairy tales. And the kids have footie jammies, it's fine. And then 2020 was like, yeah but I'm going to make you work at home all summer with three kids and then it's going to be blistering hot and your office in the bedroom is going to get up to 90* inside and you're going to have to be on zoom sweating and paying attention and trying not to have heat stroke because the AC gave up and the AC guy was like yeah, this can't be fixed, but we did have to pay $125 for him to come to the house to tell us that. And then everything stopped being fine! It just really stopped being fine. So we paid all of our money and some we don't have yet to get a new AC and furnace and the guys spent a whole day in the basement being harassed by the two year old who kept running over to them and telling them that they had scared her when in fact they had not scared her but much like that one guy from The Princess Bride, I do not think that word means what she thinks it means. But they installed all the new things and took all my money and some money that I don't have yet, and now we have a tablet stuck to the wall next to the coat closet and it displays a picture of what the weather outside is so I don't even have to go over to a window to find out that it is cloudy. And now I'm on zoom and I look much better than before when I was so sweaty, though maybe that is because I found the touch up my appearance setting. But probably it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteThis was as good as Eli's post! Maybe a partnership is in order? Strangerville story here?
DeleteAgreed.
DeleteI relate so much to this post. My ac died two weeks ago unexpectedly. But it was much more involved than yours sounds. It took five service calls and at least 20 hours to get a new functioning ac, and it probably means we don't get to buy the cool old restored jeep we were going to buy this summer. Because adulting is fun that way. And my husband's very not secret celebrity crush is gal gadot. You say her name around him and all he can say back is "shabbat shalom!'
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I missed this last week so I could laugh really hard when I found it today. Fantastic!
ReplyDelete