Second Date

 Last week I tweeted this thing that went viral:

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald's at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said "I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again."

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 2, 2020

I still don't really understand how the internet works. Sometimes I'll write a joke and I'll be like "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS AMAZING THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN PEOPLE WILL LITERALLY DIIIIEEE FROM READING THIS" and then like 4 of you actually read it and someone comments about a typo.

Then other times I'll write something without giving it much thought and I almost don't post it because it seems lame and the next thing I know the entire planet is sharing it. That is honestly what happened with Snuggie Texts, by the way. I amused myself a bit with that exchange and thought I should type it out to share with my friends and family, thinking they might find it mildly amusing. A decade later I still get daily emails of people wearing Snuggies.

The point is this whole stupid website was just a massive mistake.

From Tinder to Temple

Today, please enjoy my long-promised story about my first date with Skylar, which I told onstage at Strangerville Live last month. Written version also below.

*****

From Tinder to Temple

By Eli McCann

Mormon Mothers

Skylar told me last night that he thinks "scolding" is a super power of Mormon mothers.

I had never heard this opinion from him, or anyone, but I implicitly agreed with him before taking a moment to blurt out, "wait; why?"

Skylar isn't from Utah. His exposure to mass Mormonism is a relatively recent aspect of his 28-year life. In fact, his first real visit (read: not an airport layover) was in late 2015. He was living in Wisconsin at the time. He started visiting Salt Lake City with some regularity that year because I'm very attractive and he couldn't help himself.

Uncovering Utah's uniqueness for him since then has been a surprisingly delightful experience for me. Most of this is because he has approached everything in our great state with nothing more than a polite and respectful curiosity.

Believe me when I say this is rare around these parts. Most people I know in Utah have very strong opinions, in one direction or another, about Mormonism and, specifically, Mormons. This is true of people who move here as well. They decide how they feel about the place before they get here and then they find whatever evidence they can to support their belief.

The 25 Unspoken Rules of Tinder

1. The amount of matches you have directly correlates with your value as a human being. For some people, matches shall serve no other purpose.

2. If a match is made, the less attractive person shall be responsible for commencing communication.

3. If you come across an exceptionally attractive person on Tinder, they are most definitely just traveling through town. There are no exceptions to this rule.

4. If you are the kind of person who goes on many first Tinder dates, DON'T USE THE SAME LOCATION EVERY TIME BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU THAT YOU WILL RUN INTO RECENT FORMER DATES WHILE ON OTHER TINDER DATES AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING AND IT IS SO SUPER AWKWARD JUST TRUST ME ON THIS.

5. Everyone knows that a first Tinder date is supposed to last 45 to 60 minutes. If the person tries to end the date before 45 minutes have passed, you are not doing well.