Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Horrific Birthday Surprise

I have the best of friends; I have the worst of friends.

It was my birthday on Friday. I turned 275. Things I remember from my life:

1. When my friends told me about "email" when I was 16 and we each got Hotmail accounts so we could go home from school every day and spend the afternoon emailing each other. Email's foolproof system of archiving messages for time and all eternity, even back in 1999, is the number one reason why I can never run for office.

2. When my family got an answering machine when I was 6 and I thought we were like the Jetsons.

3. The Great Depression.

4. Planning out my last 7 years of life in 1993 because my sister told me that the Bible predicted the end of the world in the year 2000.

5. Talking about "the year 2000."

6. When it used to be ok to leave your kids in the car.

7. When it wasn't against the law to not wear a seat belt (I think . . . or, at least, we didn't bother with them most of the time).

8. When "Independence Day" seemed to have perfect special effects--it could never get better.

9. The Queen of Colors.


To celebrate, my friends pulled out all the stops.

My great co-worker Shea threw together a wonderful princess party for me at work.

People I haven't heard from in 10 years and didn't really even know then wished me happy birthday via Facebook.

Anna, Emma, and Isabel gifted me a mini-Queen of Colors

Things were going well. Until . . . I came home from work.

I will probably never recover from what happened. People will talk about this for generations.

The people I call my friends are the absolute most evil, horrific people that have ever walked the face of Earth with the exception of the entire cast of Glee and anyone who funds that program. I am in the market for new friends. Currently white-washing my life of all my old contacts. Sound harsh? Keep reading.

I walked into the door. Went through the front room in my safe-and-peaceful-apartment. Walked into the hallway. Started chatting with Daniel, who was non-suspiciously folding laundry in his bedroom. Opened my bedroom door. And saw . . . this:

In my moment of incredible panic, I immediately turned, and screamed. Screamed with the voice of a 12 year old girl. A scream I didn't even know I had in me. A glass-shattering scream. And I ran. I ran, not for the front door, but for the balcony. With every intention of jumping out of the building and to come crashing down past many floors onto a paved parking-lot. Because that seemed like a better option than staying in my home. With it.

Don't worry--there's a video:

And so you can see what it looked like from my perspective, there's a post-experience video. (Don't mind my ghetto sleeveless shirt. This is a workout shirt--I don't normally wander around like that.)

Anna was wonderful enough to also capture this shot from the video to upload to Facebook.

These people tried to make up for their abuse by throwing me a surprise birthday party just a few hours later. I have no memory of it, however, because I was still in shock. Nonetheless, I have to admit, I do have some pretty wonderful friends (NOT the ones involved in the prank) that showed up to the party and made me feel like one lucky guy. Big shout out to my uncle Will who let this take place at his house. And here are some pictures of the event.

(Photos courtesy of Maggie Liveri)

Opening a birthday gift to find a picture of Jane Seymour, someone some of my friends and I have an unexplainable, ridiculous, obsession with since she visited Salt Lake City in December.

Me and Jane

And don't worry, Jane came with wood blocks. I was hoping I could arrange them in a way to say "I don't want no bunny banana frog ok no way!"

With a locket that has Jane Seymour's picture inside (I really don't fully understand the Jane Seymour thing, but whatever).
~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. Don't pretend like you don't wear your wife beater everywhere...

  2. By the way, if you want new friends I make my friends a yummy chocolate cake for their birthday... just sayin

  3. i'm about to turn 275, too. on tuesday. not really looking forward to it. (honestly? why is turning 275 making me so grumpy? i'm totally annoyed that i'm annoyed by my age; it's just a number!)

    anyway...i hope this doesn't make me an evil, horrific person, but that video? it made me laugh. it made me laugh HARD. repeatedly. (i'm pretty sure i've watched it 4 times. i think it's the scream that got me.)

    i only laugh because it didn't happen to me. walking into what's supposed to be the safe haven of one's own bedroom to find a head hanging from the ceiling? aw, man...'tis the stuff of nightmares. your friends truly are evil AND horrific for coming up with such a dastardly thing ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!

    i may have overreacted to a little prank my friends played on me while vacationing in hawaii a year and a half ago, though.

  4. Haha! I turned only 273 yesterday, but it was nowhere near as terrifying (or "eventful") as your birthday. Here's hoping the upcoming year isn't as horrifying.

    P.S. You share a birthday with Tina Fey for which I will forever be jealous, since I missed it by just a day. Cherish your fortune.

  5. Where do I apply for the "new friend" position?

    P.S. Nice scream. I laughed a good, hearty, and long laugh. Thanks for that. And happy late birthday!

    1. Well, if you're an "old" friend, but not one of the ones I'm dropping, you can bypass the application process.

  6. Excuse me, do I have to reapply? Can I use one of my birthday decrees to bypass the application?

  7. Okay, so where do I fall in the "new friend" application pool if I watched the video about...6 times in a row? Laughing hysterically the whole time? (In my defense, I had to keep the laughter down a bit because I'm at work.)

    I would be a good friend because it would never occur to me to do something like that to you. On the other hand, once someone else has done something like this to you, I will enjoy it immensely. I can't really deny that.

  8. I can't tell you how many times I rewatched the first video. It's hilarious for us, though I imagine scarring for you. Happy birthday!

  9. Thanks for cutting me out of the last picture, I should've known...

  10. I cannot stop replaying that video. Sending it to everyone I know . . .

  11. I don't want to bunny banana frog ok no way!

    Gets me every time! Every. Time.

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  13. I only mildly laughed at your horrific scream. Can I apply for "new friend" position?

  14. I don't play pranks on my friends for their birthdays ( I save that for other times when they least expect it.) I cook dinner and make yummy desserts for them. I am willing to be one of your new friends:)

  15. Hey! I too make nummy food! I happen to e a cupcake aficionado. And I make fabulous macaroni and cheese.

  16. Oh my goodness! Absolutely amazing! You're friends were just balancing out you emotions that day, so you could feel extra loved at the surprise party (even if they knew nothing about it). You have to experience the bad to appreciate the good.

  17. Oh my goodness! Absolutely amazing! You're friends were just balancing out you emotions that day, so you could feel extra loved at the surprise party (even if they knew nothing about it). You have to experience the bad to appreciate the good.

  18. Where can I apply for this new friend that you're looking for? I have an excellent best friend resume I'd be happy to submit...

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  21. Ah Eli, I'm going to sent that in to tosh 2.0 so you and Marie Chafi will be the only famous people I know......

  22. Your friends are awesome. They really put some thought and planning into your birthday. They must really, really love you.

    Or hate you with a white hot passion and desire revenge for some past offense on your part. You know, sorta Wrath of Khan stuff.

    Either way, they care and that must count for something. Right?