Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tennis

First item of business, welcome new strangers! Over the past few weeks we've seen an influx of new traffic to Stranger, which I understand is primarily due to what the kids are calling "Pinterest." As I understand it, one spends the entire day putting pictures and links onto the Internet that represent things they hope one day to do in real life, which ironically takes all of their time and keeps them from actually doing those things. Sounds like other people's version my equivalent activity: laying on the floor after work eating candy until bedtime. In any event, thanks all for sharing Stranger on Pinterest, Facebook, Pinfacespacetwitgoogle+, or whatever else is out there that I'm not hip enough to be a part of. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you stopping by now and again. You people are my homies (in the non-gang way). As always, I welcome you to like Stranger on Facebook if you've failed to join the family over there.

I'm getting more and more settled into my new home. Work is keeping me relatively busy, as is all of the beach time. Last week both Daniel and I were given assignments in the small Mormon congregation we attend to work with the youth. Each Wednesday night we will meet with them and have various activities. I feel like I've just adopted a dozen Palaun teenagers. I've already planned to explain to others when they ask whether I want to go do something on Wednesday evenings, "I would love to . . . but I've got the kids tonight." Having the kids on Wednesdays is already proving to be a fun way to get to know some great Palaun families.


So, things have been fine around here. Well, until last night when I tried to play tennis.

One of my co-workers, Brian, is a great tennis player. He has been giving the rest of us fantastic tennis lessons a few times a week. And I could have sworn I was improving.

I told you all a while ago that I am absolutely, truly, most definitely, the most terrible athlete that has ever walked the planet. Period. Yes, I exercise and stay in relatively good shape. Yes I can run and swim a bit. But throw any kind of a ball into an activity and it's suddenly like my body turns into one of those inflatable wind dancers you see in front of cell phone stores. No. That's too generous. Maybe one of those that has a hole in the back.

And it isn't for lack of trying. Oh, I've tried. And specifically, I've tried with tennis. I took beginning tennis in college. Twice. Sometimes I like to tell people I played tennis in college for two years. It's misleading, but it makes me sound impressive.

After taking beginning tennis the first time, I signed up for intermediate tennis because there was a rule that you couldn't take beginning tennis twice. The intermediate instructor made an exception for me on the very first day and sent me back down a level.

Then the beginning tennis instructor assigned everyone partners based on skill. I was partnered with Melanie. The second worst person in the class. Who was 7 months pregnant at the beginning of the semester. And who had never played tennis before.

She beat me. Every. Single. Time.

The instructor used to stay after class with me for up to an hour to give me special instruction, sure that he could somehow reach me. This lasted for half of the semester until one day he said to me in such a patronizing tone that he should forever get royalties from everyone else who says anything patronizingly in the future, "you know, some people will just never be great at tennis. I'm sure that there are LOTS of other things you are so good at!"

Melanie had her baby toward the end of the semester so I was alone for about a week. Then she showed up one day, tennis racket in hand, and handily beat me despite having just turned her body completely inside out to emit a human life 7 days prior to this.

On our last day of the semester she and I played one final game in which I nearly beat her. I was proud of my achievement. Until I noticed that she had switched to playing left-handed (her non-dominant hand) to help me out.

Which brings me to the Brian Palau School of Tennis, in which I thought I was finally making some progress.

Daniel and I ran to play a few games of tennis late last night, expecting to show off our new skills. We played 10 games. Daniel won 10 games. All ten.

And guys, it's not like Daniel is that good at tennis. Because, no offense Daniel, he's not. He's just very mediocre at tennis. He's good a many many other things. But not tennis. I mean, compared to diving off of stuff before he graduated from the Eli McCann School of Diving, he's basically Superman. But everyone is Superman at everything compared to how he used to be at diving.

But tennis? He should not be significantly better than me. He didn't take beginning tennis (twice). He did stay after to get special instruction. He just showed up to Palau with a tennis racket that he's hardly ever used and very unimpresively hit it over the net enough times to beat me 10 games in a row.

There may have been a meltdown immediately following the games.

That meltdown may have involved a pint of Ben & Jerry's and 30 minutes of me saying things like, "I'm never going to be good at anything in my entire life!" and "What's the point in trying at anything because no matter how hard I try I always fail at everything no matter what always!?"

I admit it. I may have gotten carried away.

Daniel started down the whole, "some people just won't ever be good at tennis" routine, but I told him this wasn't my first rodeo and he could just be real with me.

His plan B was to try to convince me that my attempt to translate my ineptness at tennis into ineptness at every possible thing that a human being can do ever was completely ludicrous.

"It's a metaphor for my life, Daniel. I merely artistically expressed that ineptness in my tennis playing tonight."

He eventually told me to shut up and mumbled something about people with disabilities in China who are starving and would be happy to have that and I should just be grateful that I'm alive and healthy.

If I didn't sense he was sick of the conversation I would have challenged the "healthy" accusation. My 7-year-old foot disease is still alive and well (thanks for asking). Plus I now have what appears to be 400 tiny, and unbelievably itchy, bug bites on both feet.

Whatever. At least I woke up the next morning to this:


~It Just Gets Stranger

38 comments:

  1. Tennis is an unholy bitch of a "sport". I have never failed at anything in life as horribly as I did at tennis...I will stick to the table version, thank you! And by table version, I mean the kind where you use cups and beer and its not like any version of tennis at all...So...after that ramble of uselessness, my point is, I agree that tennis is rediculous.

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    1. Right. And the only thing worse than playing a terrible sport is playing a terrible sport badly. In front of other people.

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  2. And I spelled ridiculous wrong...dammit!

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  3. Sand fleas!? The other day at work my co workers brought up Palau. I said, "Ya I've heard that the community is so small, people know your 'address' and phone number before they've seen your face." My co workers were oober interested and asked me how I knew. I said, "Oh you know, my... schmizzy ...schmaddle ....backwards paddle... fRIENd told me." When they asked what I really had just said in those muddled muffled words in the middle I had to admit I read it on a blog.

    But one day maybe, when you don't live in Palau I can at least meet you once and say, "Yes, an informal acquaintance once said..." Until then, good luck, you'll get better.

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    1. I totally do the same back to you guys! I'm really not kidding. Frequently in conversations with friends I relate information left in the comments or that are sent to the email account and act like I heard it from a friend. But it sounds a lot more suspicious when I say the friend's name is Miss K Money.

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    2. Miss K$--You’re not alone. I was rambling on about something funny I read on here, and when asked which “friend” had actually lived through the story, I had to mumble something about it being a “distant friend”. It was definitely the nerdiest thing I admitted to that day.

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  4. Don't worry, Miss K$. I often refer to "my good friend, Eli" who tells me funny things and sends me pretty pictures. We're all friends here, right? Hopefully friends without restraining orders...

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    1. Reminds me of the opening chapters in Alexander McCall Smith's "2 1/2 pillars of wisdom". So great.

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  5. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha you got beat by a pregnant woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best story of my life!!!!!

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    1. In my defense, she was relatively athletic. Even while pregnant.

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    2. I was in the best shape of my life during both my pregnancies! I ate and exercised like I was training for a huge athletic event, like bringing another human out of your "private parts"! BAH HA HA!

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  6. Let's get one thing straight. I don't laugh out loud at humor I ingest via the written word or on TV. It's just not in me. I dig it, but no audible sound ensues. Kinda like your tennis disability. That said, I found your blog via Pinterest. (Note: I'm a 47-year-old, Christian, mom, happily-married woman. Blows your whole "...which I understand is primarily due to what the kids are calling "Pinterest." belief of that demographic right outta the water.) Anyhoo, the following comment (and I'll keep it at one even though I was cackling aloud throughout) "...until one day he said to me in such a patronizing tone that he should forever get royalties from everyone else who says anything patronizingly in the future,..." will forever be emblazoned in my memory to grab for future chuckles. You are being bookmarked and are a total hoot.

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    1. Welcom, Jen! Glad you like the blog. My sister frequently offers me the most bizarre suggestions for handling various problems. Then she says in a tone like she is trying to validate how much time she has spent online, "I got this from Pinterest and it's a good thing I did!"

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  7. haha this is one of the many reasons I love your blog(it's so relatable)and its ok I suck at tennis too. I had lessons for like two years until my instructor told my parents, I don't think tennis is the right sport for your child. so yeah. tennis = evil. haha and I might have referred to you as my friend Eli before...whooops haha

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  8. So funny. I'm on of those crazy ladies who found you on Pinterest. I'm also a youth leader for the LDS church on Wednesday nights. Hey, check out Pinterest for some great youth activities. LOL

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    1. Nice irony, actually. Thanks for the tip. I will probably be asking for ideas down the road.

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  9. I am in fact one of those guilty ones that discovered your blog on pinterest. But hey it could be worse! People find our blog by google searching "adam levine penis" so I do not judge. However it would please mind one if you get bored and want to read about teenage angst and check out my blog (that I share cause I am so giving) ceptionillionares.blogspot.com :D p.s. everyone loves a good snuggie.

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    1. Up until last year, most people who got here through google searches did it by searching "child in mens locker room," "man naked in locker room with child," and other variations of those two. I'm very pleased to be getting away from that.

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    2. That is in fact equally terrible, what is it that drives people to google random things, then find our blogs through their perverted requests.

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  10. I found you on Pinterest. It's like, fantasy football for women.
    also, I have similar meltdowns to the one you just described. Only mine come from being a Super Sophomore at Utah Valley University. (aka I've been a sophomore for four years now.) And I dumped Ben and Jerry for a rich, much more fattening gelato type ice cream that is like, 6 bucks a pint. I feel like I'm part of high class society and that I've accomplished something if my ice cream is richer in more ways than one. Maybe like, I graduated college and am making a life for myself instead of working construction and blogging at night. meh. I'll get there.
    love your blog. My husband and I were in tears over you and Jane. We will definitely be checking in on you.
    xx
    Whitney
    themiddleofthestreet.blogspot.com

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    1. Welcome! FYI, sometimes in the states my worst meltdowns involved both a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a large frozen pizza just after midnight.

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  11. Haha! I love this story. Well, you can always beat me at tennis, or anything related to a ball or sports. Watching me try and connect any type of bat/club/racket with a ball is my brother's favorite form of entertainment. I really don't have the coordination to make it happen and I think those who do must be magic. Or know some trick that I missed at some point or another.

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  12. If it helps you to feel any better...I took a myriad of beginners sports at BYU and lost all of the time. If you were partnered with me, you would lose...tennis, badminton (lost every game), basketball, soccer (to be fair my team may have won but I never played), volleyball. The funny thing is, all of the coaches thought I was amazing because they were always smiling and shaking their head when watching me in action!

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    1. It does make me feel better. I took flexibility at BYU also and was pretty good at that. But that's just because the whole class consisted of light stretching and napping.

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    2. you didn't happen to take it from coach zanandrea? she's a tall, fierce, brazilian, olympic high jumper.

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  13. I feel like everyone is missing the bigger picture here, which is that you can get Ben & Jerry's in (on?) Palau...

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    1. I seriously almost started crying when I saw it in the store. The pints are covered in about an inch of frost. But the inside is good as ever. Then a few days ago I discovered that one store on the island has my favorite flavor of all time (which I sometimes have a hard time finding even in the states), Strawberry Cheesecake. I will die happy. And fat.

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  14. The funny thing about Pinterest is that half of the stuff on there doesn't actually work/isn't true/ends terribly because no one actually tries it out. Also, my 7th grade PE teacher flat out gave up on me and my athletic ability during our tennis unit. I failed to actually hit the ball for the unit's duration. Tennis is hard.

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  15. Eli, I hope that one day you just start writing full time. There are so many of us who would love to read a book by you and who wish you would post every single day. You have such a great way of explaining things that is captivating, usually hysterical, and sometimes even inspiring. Thanks for doing it here.

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  16. I did not find you on pinterest (in fact i just had to scroll up to make sure i spelled it right). i found you on the tract team in high school and have been repenting of not understanding your genius until college (to be fair, i don't think i heard more than five words from you until you showed up in lewiston for your recruiting trip). at any rate, i am not in charge of religious youths, but i do coach athletic youth now, (at bingham. so weird) and i also get a kick out of saying "oh, i can't. my kids are racing that day" and getting strange looks (which alway say "did you adopt multiple children in the last [day/week/hour] since i talked to you last?")--to which i fake laugh (having, like you, planned to test their reaction) and say "no, my runners. the kids i coach." one more tale...one of my kids (no, i didn't adopt--they're my runners)is your nephew. we had a short 'eli' reminiscing moment yesterday. Arb was there too, still weird.

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    1. You know Andrew! How exciting! Tell him hello for me. I was thinking the other day--I don't even know how many years it's been since I last saw you. Have I seen you since Lewiston?

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    2. Doubt it. Haven't lived in the same area until this year. We should do lunch sometime....ah, wait. we eat at completely different times now that you live on the other side of the world. shoot, i would even have suggested a cat-friendly restaurant for you.

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  17. I run. And the reason I run is because I can't do other things such as run and hit a ball or even run and change direction mid-stride. We all have our loads to bear and we all have our skills. Yours (and mine) is not tennis. And I've survived almost 50 years without being able to play it. And I've happy ... or I was till I realised how tennis would enhance my life if only I could play. Pass me a Prozac.

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  18. For me, tennis is basically jogging. Because I never manage to actually hit the ball. I mostly just run after it over and over again until I collapse.

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  19. Oh, and I once took beginning volleyball in college. My teacher said, "Your playing gives me nightmares!" which I'm pretty sure teachers aren't supposed to say. But she did and it scarred me for life. Or at least until I dropped the class.

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  20. I'm soooo hooked, thanks to you & Jane of course...by way of pinterest. Follower for life :)). Definitely brought some levity to my long day. Life is tough being a stay at home mom to 3, lol. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you :)

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  21. I feel your sport pains... (I can play catch fairly well, but when you have a brother and dad who live eat breathe base-ball it's required)... Not only did my teachers give up on me, every student in my P.E. classes gave up on me... Then there's the fact that any moving sports ball is attracted to me... I can't go into a gymnasium without getting hit once...

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