Monday, March 18, 2013

Friend Divorce

A few items of business today. First as I mentioned a week or two ago, I will be coming to the U.S. soon. I would like to formally warn all of the malls and everyone who sells burritos to be prepared for me. Because I'm not going to go easy on them. It's about to get real, malls and Mexican restaurants of America. I will visit all of you. And then I'm going to use the hell out of my parents' dishwasher.

Second, I have decided to go with Steph's suggestion (and a few others) of naming my visit the "Twice Up the Barrel Tour" and I think we'll refer to the portion in which I'm going to DC the "Eli Goes to Washington" segment of the Twice Up the Barrel Tour. Thank you Jennifer for the Washington suggestion. And thank you everyone for helping out with this very important decision.

Third, during the Twice Up the Barrel Tour, I will be performing at (on?) The Porch. The Porch was kind enough to invite me back for their April 18 show in Provo Utah. Last year I had a great time telling stories at two of The Porch's shows and those people have been so kind and inviting to our Stranger community. I hope some of you can make it to the April 18 show. I would love to meet or reconnect with you all. I haven't decided which story I'll tell yet but I have some ideas. And I promise, none of them involve my cat hoarding problem. I will keep you all posted on the specifics and will let you know when tickets are available on The Porch's site.

And now,

A Very Enlightening Conversation with Daniel this Weekend

Eli: I posted a picture on Stranger of us in a two-person kayak on Friday. Someone commented and said that we have a "bro-mance."

Daniel: Ha. If only they knew what was really going on in that picture.

Eli: Yeah . . . wait . . . what was really going on?

Daniel: I was contemplating a friend divorce from you.

Eli: Excuse me?

Daniel: Two-person kayaking is the best way to make people hate each other. At the exact moment that that picture was being taken, I was thinking about filing for a friendship divorce and just moving on.

Eli: You know that you're not legally bound to me as my friend. You could just stop being my friend. You don't have to pursue a divorce.

Daniel: No. If I'm not going to be your friend anymore, I want it documented in writing so it's clear that I don't have any more obligations with you.

Eli: Obligations?! I require nothing from you!

Daniel: [in a mocking whiny voice that is supposed to represent me but that in no way actually represents my real voice] Make me breakfast every day! Pay attention to me! Give me a compliment! Tell me I'm funny! Play a game with me! Listen to all of my problems! Do my laundry!

Eli: Well . . . those are just regular friendship responsibilities. Ones that I shouldn't HAVE to ask you to perform, by the way.

Daniel: Anyway, at one point I was paddling in that stupid kayak and you were just sitting there singing Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA at the top of your lungs on an eternal loop, not helping paddle, and I just thought, "Daniel, is this really all worth it?!"

Eli: I'm sorry that my arms got tired so I couldn't help anymore and so instead I entertained everyone by singing.

Daniel: How could your arms have gotten tired? You didn't use them!

Eli: So did you decide not to go through with the friend divorce when you realized how big of a pain it would be to separate all our stuff?

Daniel: Yeah. That and because I would have to move out and I don't think I could get alimony. Then what would I do? Plus I don't want to have a custody battle for the Stormtrooper.

Eli: Um. You wouldn't. The Stormtrooper belongs to me.

Daniel: I'm sorry. But the Stormtrooper is way too cool to belong to anyone who knows that many words to Party in the USA.

Eli: Noddin' my head like yeah. Movin' my hips like yeah.

Daniel: Exactly.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. I would suggest to Daniel that he take a cue from Angela from The Office and let you know with a notarized letter.

  2. Yes!!
    Oh how I wish I was closer to Utah (or Washington)! I would love to be a groupie on the Twice up the barrel tour! Alas. Dreams will be dreams.
    You and Daniel have such a wondefull relationship! Divorce is not the answer! Can't we all just learn to love eachother no matter how many odd quirks the other has?! Haha but seriously. Think of the children. What would Trixy do? Can't Daniel just be thankfull that you weren't singing the Spice Girls? Or Nickleback?

  3. If I go to this thing at the Porch can I bring my cat?
    Quick question/request... Last year you wrote on here about Daniel using a squatter toilet in Ukraine. In that same post you said seeing that bathroom reminded you of an experience on a train in Ukraine years before in which you fell on a poop covered wall. May I suggest you talk about that when you perform? If not, can you still share that story sometime? Thank you. ~ F.

  4. My gosh Eli, you're the best. <3

  5. Okay, first... are you using new toothpaste? Your teeth have been so shiny and your breath has been award winning!
    Second, Daniel does your laundry?! This is amazing and you CANNOT let him leave or divorce you. What kind of music does Daniel like? Learn it, sing it.

  6. I hope you're performing somewhere in DC so I can go, wearing a snuggie, burrito gift card in hand as compensation for all the hours of me laughing at my desk at work having all my coworkers thinking i'm having a breakdown.

    Also, as a lawyer wouldn't you have the upperhand in a divorce? Daniel should really think about how well you could represent yourself.

  7. This is so hilarious... I love you guys.

  8. Daniel is so funny! "I'm sorry. But the Stormtrooper is way too cool to belong to anyone who knows that many words to Party in the USA." I actually laughed out loud at my office!

    This is what I always think of when I hear that song. :)

    1. Oh my gosh Eli HAS to open his performance like this.

  10. I hate to say this, but Daniel makes a valid point about the Miley Cyrus song. (I can't stand her in the same way you can't stand Glee, Eli.)

    I'm glad he didn't go through with the divorce, though.

  11. maybe for your performance on april 18 you don't even have to tell a story. you and daniel could just have a conversation on stage.

  12. while you're in the Provo area, might i suggest a couple of phenomenal Mexican restaurants?

    Joe Bandido's in Springville and Casa Salza in Spanish Fork are tied for best Mexican food ever! Just

  13. Yay! DC tour! I live right outside DC, with bus and metro access if you need a couch.
    ( fair warning: the couch comes with a dog and 4 very friendly children! They will talk you to death.) ;) Otherwise, if you need Mexican restaurant recommendations in the area, I got you covered.

  14. I heard your Twice Up The Barrel Tour is bringing you to southern Utah? Well, awesome! And I'll let my daughters hang out with us because they know every Miley Cyrus song.

  15. When those tickets are posted I am going. In a snuggie.

  16. Wow, The Porch again?!? Oh, you have to share the story of the German girls couch surfing and also your emails to discourage future couch surfers at your place!

    I'm afraid I'll have to wait for the video of The Porch routine but I like the tour name and segment name and such.

    I can just see it now. All of your fans at the SLC airport with Twice Up the Barrel signs welcoming you :-) I wonder if I can get you on the local radio station here with your tour notes? The Doug Wright Show on KSL?

  17. Yay!! Maybe I'll bring my teenagers (who were laughing their heads off as one of them read aloud from your Yahoo! Answers the other day-- family time is precious)to see you at The Porch. Too bad Daniel can't come with you on tour. We would all like to meet him...

  18. I think tour shirts need to be made!

  19. If you were to come visit Bend Oregon there might be another Stormtrooper in it for you....And we'll all sing Party in the USA with you...Just a...throwin that out there. Also there is some pretty great Mexican food here...

    But really, if only I lived closer to Utah I would definitely be there to hear whichever story you decide to tell. Stupid Utah, being so far away.

  20. Well, I think you should move here to Oahu, tropical but not with all the craziness of Palau. This is completely a selfish request, only because I want to hang out with you. There is a large Mormon population here if that helps. Daniel can come too, as long as he is OK with paddling a three person kayak by himself. And there are NO SNAKES IN HAWAII.
    I work at a law office, real estate law but law none the less and we are looking for a new attorney. Just saying. . .

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