Thursday, October 24, 2013

Making a Dentist Appointment

I called the dentist to make an appointment today. I really hope they don't record their phone conversations:

Dentist: Hello. How may I help you?

Eli: I need to make a dentist appointment for as soon as possible.

Dentist: Ok. We have an opening for 1:00 today.

Eli: Oh. Wow. No, I can't do today.

Dentist: You said "as soon as possible."

Eli: Right. But you're the dentist. I assumed that as soon as possible would be sometime around Easter.

Dentist: Well let's see . . . if you can't make it today . . . the next possible time is November 4, 2097.

Eli: That sounds more dentist-like of you. I'LL TAKE IT!

Dentist: Ok. And your name?

Eli: Gladys Knight.

Dentist: Um . . . ?

Eli: Oh my gosh! I can't believe I just told you my name is Gladys Knight! I'm reading her Wikipidia page while I talk to you and that's why I said that. Did you know she's 69?! I'm fascinated with her because my sister and I always sing the Midnight Train to Georgia song to each other. "A superstar but he didn't get far!" Plus she's a Mormon and so am I and I think--

Dentist: So what's your name?

Eli: Oh. Right. My name is Eli McCann.

Dentist: Ok, and is there an insurance company you would like to list?

Eli: Yes.

Dentist: . . .

Eli: Oh, you want to know what that is. Let me pull out this card . . . um . . . PPO Dependent something dental life reliance ameritas something benefit coverage--

Dentist: You're just reading random words printed on the card, aren't you?

Eli: I don't understand insurance, ok?!

Dentist: Alright. We're all set. Just come a little early to the appointment so you can fill out some paperwork.

Eli: Ok. And I feel like I should let you know that I haven't been to a dentist in a while because I was living in this place for the last year where I would not have dared to go to the dentist. So I haven't been to a dentist since like 2009.

Dentist: Sorry, you haven't been to the dentist in four years because you were living in a questionable place for one year?

Eli: I don't like all the questions! Why does this conversation feel like school?!

Dentist: Ok. We'll just see you at your appointment.

Eli: Also I had ringworm last month but I recently beat it.

Dentist: Uh . . .

Eli: And just to be clear, because I really don't want to make the same mistake twice, is this one of those dentist offices where you're supposed to keep all of your clothes on?

Dentist: Seriously? YES.

Eli: Even though I don't have the ringworm anymore?

Dentist: Even though every possible thing you could say.

Eli: No need to get testy. I'm just trying to be responsible and check before I come and have a serious misunderstanding like last time. Or like all of those times at the pharmacy. Did you know that the pharmacy is NOT the same thing as the doctor's office? And those people are NOT interested in seeing the reason you're getting the medication.

Dentist: Ok, Gladys. It's been . . . interesting.

Eli: Wait! Before you go: What does the dentist of the year get?

Dentist: Excuse me?


Dentist: I'm going to make sure they don't give you any laughing gas.

~It Just Gets Stranger


  1. This. Is. Awesome. I wish this was recorded.

  2. Perfect way to start my day!

  3. OMG! Best phone conversation ever!

  4. Will you call my office and have one of these conversations? haha

  5. After reading this conversation I am now 99.9% positive I had a call from you when I worked at America First!

  6. I just read this conversation twice and laughed harder the second time.

  7. I'm really annoyed that the person cut you off. I wanted to hear what else you had to say about Gladys Knight.

    1. Yes! I think you ought to continue to enlighten us! I didn't even know she was a Mormon.

  8. I dare you to call Congressman Stewart's office and write a blog post about it! :)

  9. It sounds like your dentist can tolerate a lot of weirdness. haha

  10. Can I get an amen about the part where you didn't know what to read off of the insurance card? Dental insurance is SO confusing!

  11. Same! I always be like, "Here are some cards with various bits of information on them. Do with them what you will." It seems to work so far...

  12. I didn't go to the dentist for an 8 year stretch,because I'm an antidentite. Last summer I was on a little road trip to St. George with my mom at Brigham Young's summer home for a tour; there was a cute young family in our same tour, and I found out the dad was a dentist in Idaho Falls where I live. My mom was like, "Gina! It's a sign!" So the dentist gave me his work number, and it was awesome! I'd been living in IF for 6 years, and I'd finally found a dentist! (This is especially ridiculous, because there are literally, like, 500 dentists in Idaho Falls. Too many for the population.)

    It took me a full month to summon the courage to make the phone call to my new dental office, and they were able to squeeze me in the following month! And I cried the whole way to my initial appointment.

    Keep us posted on how it goes, eh?

  13. I can't wait to hear how the visit goes. Eli, you have a way of making even the most mundane, normal life events into hilarious comedic situations. Gracias.

  14. In Russia where village I grow up at, dentist also animal doctor. Sometimes he forget he working on person teeth and think we were horse teeth. We yell no! no! when he start to give big horse sleeping needle. But he always give best carrots after. Hope you get goodie too!

  15. Replies
    1. There are no photos in this post to be shopped...

  16. My goal is to ensure that my teeth remain healthy. The only reason I don't have complete success listed above is because I'm in the middle of current treatment.

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